Saturday, September 15, 2012

Shit Someone Says Part 1

Everyone has that someone in their life that just seems to be a little out there.  I am no exception.  If you cannot think of that person in your life, then it's you.

There is a person in my life that comes to my house now and then, starts conversations that are off the wall, then leaves.  I think the jargon is that these kinds of people are bomb droppers.  They drop a bomb, step back, and watch what happens.  Some do it intentionally.  Some do it because they don't know any better.  The person in my life does it because he does not know any better.

This person came to my house recently and we started talking about the Amish.  He then said that the rules for Amish have changed, most of them drive F-350's now.  I corrected him and said that he's probably talking about Mennonites.  He disagreed, then started talking about electricity.

Did you know that the Amish now have electricity?  In fact, they have to have electricity.  It's the law.  Did you know that it's illegal to not have electricity?  This is true because this person once decided to not pay his electric bill because he was short on money.  A few days later the sheriff's department showed up at his apartment and said that he would be arrested unless he had his electricity restored.  Okay.

Then this person mentioned that he had asked his mother for some money to buy a new bed.  I asked him how much he asked for and he said $180.  I told him that he wouldn't get much of a bed for $180.  I was corrected.  You can get a nice bed for $180.  I then asked if this meant just a frame on which you place the box spring and the mattress.  Nope.  This means the headboard, foot-board, mattress, AND box-spring.  I told him that a decent bed, box-spring, and mattress would cost a couple thousand dollars, if not more.  Oh, I was dreadfully wrong.

Then he starts telling me how he bought some new Hot Wheels from the 1970's still in the blister packs.  I still have many Hot Wheels in the blister pack, something that I fantasize will finance my retirement.  Anyway, he said he got 10 cars at $5 each.  I then said, "How much money did you ask from your mom for your bed?"  "Oh, $180."  Didn't miss a beat, he didn't catch on at all.

Then we jumped to the topic of poverty.  He told me he's in poverty.  I asked him how much money he makes.  He said about $50,000.  I told him that poverty is more like less than $20,000 per year.  He said that's crazy because he doesn't have any money, therefore he's in poverty.

Later that day he asked my son if he had fished lately.  A few fish stories changed hands, then I asked this person what the biggest fish is that he ever caught.  He said he once caught a 36" large mouth bass.  I looked up what a 36" large mouth bass would weigh.  According to this chart, any large mouth bass over 24.5" indicates that the person is a liar.  Fortunately, my son just smirked. After this person left, he went nuts.  "How does he think he caught a 36" bass!  That would be a world record!!"  My son tells no fish stories.

I have decided to compile these stories as they occur.  Stay tuned for more crazy stuff.

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