In June (May?) my parents and I took our annual pilgrimage with 90,000 other NASCAR rednecks to the metropolis of Dover, Delaware to watch the Dover 400, or whatever they call it now.
The trip there was uneventful. Other than it was pretty warm. We found our way to our seats up in the Earnhardt section. The row in front of us was empty for a long time. I grew excited thinking about a 4 hour race with clear views of the track and some room to stretch my feat in the crammed stands. Then a whole gaggle of people had to come sit in front of me! Can you believe I had to watch the race with this 20-something golden brown brunette with a ponytail in a tank top and white short-shorts sitting in front of me? I can already sense the empathy coming from the readers.
Oh, and this was on the other side of me. I guess it all balances out, right? Yeah, it doesn't.
Here is our view of the track. Note the casino and hotel in the background collecting tax revenue for the state government coffers. And the cars lined up in pit row. It was a beautiful day. A nice day for racing. And people watching.
The fly-over this year was B-25 Mitchell. I guess Obama still won't let the Air Force fly over events in the United States, but he will allow fly-overs of Baghdad.
The pole position was awarded to this Freightliner soundstage. It acquired a lap speed of 6 mph. The lovely Cassidy Pope sang the National Anthem from this stage.
Here are Joey Logano and Kyle Busch.
Here Brad Kesolowski's pit crew is changing tires....and carrying them away. Each tire weighs about 60 pounds each.
Carlisle Fire Departement's finest are here to take care of business if there is business to take care of.
NASCAR's only female Danica Patrick in the pit. Legend has it that Danica was complaining that the car wasn't handling properly. The crew chief sternly responded that the car was meant to be driven faster. Another time, Danica complained that the car wasn't responding properly, so the crew chief said to try using the pedal on the right.
The first lap of the race, sponsored by Pepsi, UnderArmour, Dunkin Donuts, Toyota, and FedEx.
Fresh out of working the rice paddies of Delaware is this fat white Asian guy.
Who needs hearing protection when you have this cool camouflage hat?
I love this picture.
She seems pretty hot.
This chick had Jimmy Johnson written on her face. And the hearing protection on backwards.
I think this is Larry the Cable Guy's cousin Larry.
Pop singer Usher was spotted at the race. And all this time I thought Usher was a good looking black dude.
Jimmy Johnson is actually stopped right here. There were two red flags, one for repairing the track. The drivers sat here for about 20 minutes while the track was patched. Throngs of fans pushed their way to the fence to get pictures of their favorite drivers.
Jimmy Johnson ended up winning the race.....again. I told my parents, who do not like Jimmy Johnson, that when I went to the bathroom, I was dissappointed with the cleanliness of the facilities. I walked around looking for an office to report my complaint. I eventually came to portable office and went inside. There was a lady behind the desk. She looked up and asked if she could help me. I told her that I was displeased with the restroom facilities and wanted to speak with the owner. "Who owns this track?" "Why, Jimmy Johnson owns this track." Blahahahaha!!!! They didn't think it was as funny.
Later, my parents were complaining that Jeff Gordon is so bad at restarts. I mentioned that Jimmy Johnson was really good at restarts. They reluctantly agreed. I then said that perhaps Jeff Gordon should take some classes at the accredited Jimmy Johnson School of Restarts. They also didn't think that was funny.
And that, my friends, is the 2014 Dover 400 in a nutshell.