Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Carroll County Democrats Club Announcement

Community Announcement

As part of an effort to have a more balanced blog, I've decided to announce things that will benefit Democrats as well as Republicans. To that end, I am announcing that this month's Carroll County Democrats Club will be having their meeting in the phone booth at the corner of Main Street and Sandosky Road in Sykesville. Seating is limited, but there is a reasonable expectation that there will be enough seating for all.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Did You Hear the One About...

How do you know that Martin O'Malley is lying? His lips are moving.

What would happen in Martin O'Malley fell into a pool full of sharks? Nothing. It's a professional courtesy.

What's another term for Baltimore? The scene of the crime.

Did you hear that Martin O'Malley won the Irish weight-lifting competition? He hoisted a 49 ounce glass.

Did you hear about the tornado that went through Baltimore? It did $20 million worth of improvements.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Baltimore? I-83.

How does the Maryland General Assembly keep Republicans from drowning? They take their foot off of their heads.

What would happen if Israel attacked Syria? Within an hour, France would surrender.

Did you hear about the Baltimore City student who was asked to write a 200 word essay about what he did over the summer? He wrote, "Not much'' 100 times.

What the difference between a teacup and a peacup? A teacup is what the English use to drink their tea. A peacup is what illegal immigrants in Glen Burnie drive to the Home Depot day labor stop.

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? None. They don't even realize that they're in the dark.

How do we know that the Maryland General Assembly doesn't have a dirty mind? They change it every week.

Why is it appropriate that Congress investigates the Jack Abramoff scandal? It takes a thief to catch a thief.

How do you know that Baltimore has tough neighborhoods? The gun shops have back to school sales.

An idiot walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asked, "Hey, where'd you get that?" The parrot replied, "In the Senate."

Why is a liberal like a chemical factory? They both produce toxic waste.

What's the best thing to do if your doctor tells you to slow down? Get a job in the Baltimore City government.

What's yellow and sleeps six? A Baltimore City plow truck.

What's the difference between a liberal and a knotted shoestring? You can straighten out a shoestring.

What is happiness? When Martin O'Malley finds out a female reporter is pregnant and her boyfriend wants to marry her.

Why is the Maryland General Assembly contemplating a ban on sex. It can lead to smoking afterwards.

How do you know if you go to a Baltimore City school? The school newspaper has an obituary column.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Register Your Dangerous Weapons

Over the weekend, there was a brawl at Mount Hebron High School in Ellicott City. Apparently someone showed up at a fist fight with a baseball bat. This brawl of 20 people ended up putting several in a hospital and unfortunately, one of them died.

Immediately after the incident, an anonymous staff member reported that Martin O'Malley is going to submit a bill to the General Assembly requiring all baseball bat be registered with the newly formed Weapons Registration Department. This department will help protect our children and reduce crime and get Maryland moving forward again.

It is rumored that Maryland State Comptroller Peter Franchot released a statement that his office vigorously opposes baseball bats and is in the process of suing Louisville Slugger and Rawlings for producing objects that are used in violence. He later mentioned in the memo that he is still pro-abortion for any girl over 10 years old, to be given at will with no parental consent, he is absolutely against the death penalty, especially for serial killers - they still need their dignity, and he wants Maryland to stop global warming. I drove down to Annapolis in my 4WD and idled in the parking lot for 5 hours waiting to catch him leaving the State House so that I could get a quote, but I never saw him. I had to return, making 4 stops to refill my gas tank.

Each baseball bat that his owned will require the owner to submit a several page form, which will be kept on file. Bat prints will be made and registration numbers will be inscribed in all bats. When purchasing new baseball bats, the owner will be required to have a background check and go through a 24 hour "cooling off" period.

It is rumored that the Baltimore City Police department will sponsor events where baseball bat owners can turn in their baseball bats, no questions asked. Constitutionalists and libertarians are already fearing that this is one step closer to an all-out ban on baseball bats.

Elementary schools are already taking proactive steps and have banned baseball on their facilities to protect our children and eliminate the risk of a spontaneous baseball game breaking out where someone could get seriously injured. Baseball will be replaced with games where students sit on the floor and tenderly roll a large sponge-like Nerf ball back and forth. All children will wear safety gear such as helmets, gloves, wrist bands, and knee pads. Breaks will occur every 5 minutes where children can get some organic water and share hugs with each other. No one will lose. Everyone wins. It emphasizes the team spirit and has been proven to boast morale and self-esteem in super wienies.

Major League Baseball games will be added to the parental view chip so that the games can be blocked. We would not want our children to watch overgrown men swinging dangerous weapons. Incidents, such as the one shown in this picture where sissies are fearing for their life, will be prevented.

Friday, February 23, 2007

O'Malley Wins the Donkey Contest

The O'Malley administration started off fairly quietly. His selection of cabinet members seemed to be slow. He justified this by stating that this administration would make selections of officials carefully and the candidates would be well-qualified, as opposed to the previous governor who just chose members of big business who lined their wallets with corporate contributions.

So who did Martin O'Malley choose as the new head of the controversial Public Service Commission? He chose Steven Larson. Who is that? He was an insurance commissioner during the Glendening administration. And everyone knows that insurance commissioners are well qualified to run the organization that regulates utilities.

And speaking of the Public Service Commission, the next rate increase is now set. As you will remember, Martin O'Malley strongly criticized Bob Ehrlich for the proposed 72% increase that was proposed last year. O'Malley sued the PSC, won, and the legislature agreed to an immediate 15% increase with future increases to be determined later. BGE was more than happy to agree, though most liberals were not quite sure why. The rest of us knew better.

The new rate starting in June will be 49% more than the current rate. As I have pointed out in previous blog posts, let's now do the math. For those of you who attended Baltimore City public schools, I apologize that this calculation includes multiplication, so you probably should just skip to the next paragraph so that you don't over-confuse yourselves. 100 is our base. You increase the rates by 15%, so if you have a $100 bill, you will now be paying $115 ($15 is 15% of $100, right?). Now that rates will increase by another 49%. Multiply $115 x 49% = $56.35 ($56.35 is 49% of $115). Add that to $115 and you have $171.35. How much more is $171.35 than $100? It's 71%. Why is it that no one is hollering about a 71% increase? Oh, yes, it's less than the Republican proposed 72%.

Hello liberals! You've been had. We Republicans knew this was going to happen all the time. And why was BGE so happy to accept the Democratic plan? Because it was almost the same as the Republican plan. Did you liberals really think that the government could make BGE give away discounted electricity forever???

Sheila Dixon To The Rescue

Speaking of idiots, there was a tragic accident in a Baltimore City fire fighting training exercise. A young female cadet passed out and died during the drill. An investigation found that there were fires on all 3 floors of the dwelling, yet the fire fighters were made to go to the 3rd floor to fight the fire, which is against fire fighting policy for non-training fires. Mayor-default Sheila Dixon declared (as shown on WBAL-TV on Friday morning) "this deaf could have been prevented." She then fired the highest person in command, Division Chief Kenneth Hyde. If you ask me, she should have gone higher than that. She should have fired everyone up to and including the mayor of Baltimore.

And in a related topic, Baltimore loves to hide behind the facts of the violent crime that plagues the streets. If you do not think that Baltimore is not that violent, check out this page on Wikipedia that documents the ongoing crime in the city. Wikipedia.

Up In Smoke

Liberal extremists in Annapolis like Michael E. Busch want to increase taxes in cigarettes. They say that this will help deter smokers from smoking, yet in the same breath say that the tax increase will generate millions more dollars that can be used to fund different government programs. If their logic really worked, this program would not fund any program as smokers would not be smoking, thus reducing the dollars available. We can see clearly through this liberal plan. They could care less if the new tax reduces smoking. The important fact is that the tax will generate more revenue.

New Government

I have been pondering the make-up of the political system of Maryland. Looking at any voting results maps, you will see that the majority of the counties vote Republican. Only the brain-washed liberal extremist counties of Prince George's, Montgomery, and Baltimore City vote strictly Democrat. Even the almost strictly Democratic Baltimore County helped put Bob Ehrlich in office.

Compare this to the bicameral design of our Congress, as designed by John Adams. In an effort to appease states with smaller populations, he created the Senate, which gives every state 2 representatives regardless of the population of the state. The House of Representatives, on the other hand, have representatives proportional to the population of the state. So while states like California ram-rod things through the House, they are on an equal footing with Joe Biden's (the guy that thinks Barak Hussein Obama is eloquent and clean) home state of Delaware in the Senate.

Now if the Maryland state senate worked the same way, of the 24 jurisdictions (23 counties and the crime-ridden Baltimore City), 20 would have Republican state senators. Instead, the hard-left wing liberal extremists have drawn the jurisdictions using the illegal Gerry-mandering method which uses no logical natural barriers to determine the lines. Instead, the ethically depleted General Assembly draws lines dawn alleys and breaks up Republican jurisdictions in order to pack the Senate and House of Delegates with their own nuts. As the Economist stated in June of 2006, because of gerrymandering, "Congressmen are reelected at a rate "Leonid Brezhnev might have admired."

Looking at the map above, you see one of the most controversial districts in the United States. What logical reason would there be to have portions of the district run so small through Towson? Because that's where the Republicans live! Combine them with the socialists in Pikesville and the people in Dundalk who are too stupid to know any better, you get a district that favors the Democrats.


Check out this exam. I would have given this
student partial credit for a great answer!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Colder than El Nino

Deep Freeze

Global warming is upon us. The affects are devastating. In upstate New York, for example, global warming has dropped six feet of snow, with most places expecting 2 more feet this weekend. Mount Washington in New Hampshire recorded a windchill of -75 degrees this week. Baltimore has seen temperatures this cold in a couple of years. On Monday, it was a frigid 8 degrees when I left for work. On Tuesday, I awoke to 6 degrees, a full 25% colder than the previous morning. I am not sure how much global warming I can take.

It must be noted, however, that the coldest temperature recorded in the state of Maryland so far this year is Martin O'Malley's personality.

Good Bye Vickie Lynn

On Thursday, plump and obnoxious Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith was found dead. Smith was best known for being really stupid on her E! television show and pretending to look like Marilyn Monroe. There are several things that may have contributed to her death. She was taking Trimspa and there have been many recorded side effects. She also gave birth several months ago and may have died from a blod clot relating to the cesarean. Or she may have been knocked off by the ghost of J. Howard Marshall III, the son of the oil tycoon she married, who died 14 months later. The son, E. Pierce Marshall passed away last year.

Smith had been fighting for the estate of the rich oil tycoon she married when she was 26. He was 89. The estate was valued at $1.6. She claims that being married to her gave the Howard the best 14 months of his life and she deserves the money. These were the days before Viagra, so this is hard to believe. Ba-dump. Thank you, I'll be here all weekend.

Additionally. there has been no confirmation if Elton John is going to be performing Good Bye, Vickie Lynn.
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