Saturday, December 15, 2012

2012 - A Year In Review

The year 2012 is the final year of our existence here on Earth.  The Mayans predicted our demise in December, but failed to let us know in which time zone the end will occur.  For non-believers, we recognize 2012 as the year of election in the United States for a new President.  After all, no President has ever won a second term with unemployment higher than when he was sworn in.

2012 recorded many deaths of popular film, sports, and political figures.  There were many tragedies that afflicted the United States, from Superstorm Sandy's destruction in New Jersey to the shootings in the elementary school in Connecticut.  The Republican Party imploded and Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley had to be reminded several times that he was not the President, but still Governor.

I don't remember everything that happened in 2012, but here are the things that I do recall:

In January, the Italians, who are well known for cap-sizing ships, capsized the Costa Concordia, a Mediterranean cruise ship, resulting in the loss of 33 lives.  The captain, Francesco Schettino, reinforced the image of reckless Italians when he abandoned ship and fled to shore rather than trying to save the passengers.  After a careful investigation, Mitt Romney was blamed for steering the ship astray.

The Labor Department announced that the United States added 200,000 new jobs in December.  Obama took credit for the new jobs, but refused to accept responsibility for the corresponding 8.5% unemployment.  He said the lingering unemployment rate can clearly be attributed to George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, and Abraham Lincoln.

January saw the end of an era in Happy Valley with the death of Penn State coach Joe Paterno.  He ascends to the big bowl game in the sky with 2 national championships, 1 Big 10 Championship, 5 Coach of the Year awards, 298 wins, 18 bowl championships, and 1 hell of a sex scandal mess left behind for everyone to figure out.  Coach Paterno was 85.

In football, Kelly Clarkson and the New York Giants defeated Tom Brady and the New England Patriots (again) to claim the Vince Lombardi trophy.  When Tom Brady was asked what happened, he pointed to changing to a different shampoo and conditioner.

Legendary singer Whitney Houston was found dead in a bathtub in the Beverly Hills Hilton.  Four people were shocked to learn that the celebrated and abused singer died from drowning with a cocktail of drugs in her system.

The Greek government's debt crisis continues to hurt the Greek economy. The situation only grew worse in February when Citibank and Parker Brothers coordinated efforts and suspended the government's credit cards and replaced them with Get Out Of Jail Free cards.

America continues to have its culture defined through the television media, a culture that celebrates violence, profanity, teenage pregnancies, and Amish Outlaws.  Just when we thought that our intellectual atrophy couldn't get any worse, along came Honey Boo-Boo.

The iconic Encyclopedia Britannica discontinued the print version and replaced it with an online blog run by a former Dungeons & Dragons champion.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin wins his third term as President.  Thousands protest his election, but Russian news agencies report that there is no news to report today, especially in Moscow.

In college basketball, March Madness finished with Kentucky beating Kansas.  No one really cared about the outcome of the game.  But the month of April was quoted as saying, "What the hell?".

Long time beloved host and namesake of Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve, and other shows such as The Pyramid, and American Bandstand, Dick Clark passed away.  He was 127 years old.

In North Korea, lunatic successor to King Jong-Il, Kim Jong-un, attempts to launch a missile into space, much to the objection of the United Nations Security Council.  Fortunately, the missile was made of 3 feet of white PVC pipe and the potato exploded before the scientists were able to fill the tube with butane.  The designers of the missile, several members of Sigma Nu fraternity, were held hostage for several days before being released for a food exchange.

Facebook made headlines when it held its initial public offering (IPO).  The stock price was set $35 and began its seemingly endless drop to half of its initial value.  This prompted Facebook users to say, "OMG, LOL, Truth is..., and TTYL."

The Tokyo Skytree opened to the public as the world's tallest free-standing structure, surpassing Donald Trump's hairpeace by 3 feet.

In France, incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy lost to Socialist challenger Francios Hollande.  Some saw Sarkozy's defeat as a push to move France out of the Eurozone and toward austerity.  Sarkozy was totally cool with it because he's still married to Carla Bruni, a totally hot model who has frequently posed nude.  Sarkozy was heard mumbling, "Le sucer, monsier Hollande!"

The NBA Championship was held in June with a team from Florida defeating a team from Oklahoma.  Wait, did I write that correctly?

In the other insignificant sports news, the Los Angeles Kings defeated the New Jersey Devils in the NHL Stanley Cup Championship.  Devils' right-winger Steve Bernier said they would have had a better chance if goalie Martin Brodeur wasn't having sex with his sister-in-law.  But then again, he was having sex with his sister-in-law.

Returning to Abraham Lincoln, the movie Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was released to theaters.  Millions of poorly educated Americans are thrilled to learn that the 85th President of the United States was not only the first Republican elected to President to hate African-Americans despite releasing them from slavery, but he also helped win the Civil War by defeating the true divider of our country - vampires.

One of the significant deaths in June was that of Rodney King of the L.A. riots fame in 1991/1992.  Los Angeles police were videotaped brutally beating King after not complying with their orders.  King had alcohol and drugs in his system (shocking).  The officers were tried and when they were exonerated (shocking), residents of Los Angeles retaliated by destroying their city, killing 53 people, injuring 2,383 people, setting 7,000 fires, and destroying $1 billion in property.  There's no revenge like destroying your neighborhood.  Oh, and Rodney King drowned with high levels of alcohol and cocaine in his blood (shocking).

London hosted its 3rd summer Olympics games after winning the honor from the Olympic mafia.  Highlights included Oscar Pistorius of South Africa running in the men's 400m with two prosthetic legs, 32 new world records, and Simon Cowell signing up the Danish fencing team as the latest singing sensation.

America lost another beloved film star with the death of Andy Griffith.  He's most noted for The Andy Griffith Show and Matlock.  He'll always be known to me as the crazy guy in the movie A Face in the Crowd and the butt of every joke with my mother-in-law.  Whenever she asked about someone in Hollywood, my answer was, "I think Matlock shot her."

In July we lost one of my favorite actors of all time - Ernest Borgnine.  Born Ermes Effron Borgnino, he was known for the films Marty and From Here to Eternity, in television for McHale's navy, which I watched with my grandfather as a kid, and my favorite character of his, Mermaid Man, which I watch with my kids.

Gangnam Style continues to be one of the biggest pop songs of the year.  It is the first Korean pop song to break the American Top 40.  It is sung by Korean singer Park Jae-Sang, better known as PSY.  He has publicly stated that he hates Americans, but loves taking our money.

Speaking of hating America, President Obama made the news in August when he spoke about Syria, the Middle Eastern country who is at war with itself.  The military dictatorship has been murdering its civilians by the thousands in its efforts to retain power over the civilians.

Sesame Street puppeteer Jerry Nelson died in August.  Nelson was the voice of The Count.  Mr. Nelson died at the age of seventy, ah-ah-ah-ah, eight, ah-ah-ah-ah.

America also lost space pioneer Neil Armstrong.  Armstrong was the first man to step on the moon.  Without looking, who was the second person to step on the moon?  Yeah, I didn't think you knew.  It was Buzz Aldrin.

The Next Big Thing - Apple released the much anticipated iPhone 5, which was slightly larger than the iPhone 4 and only three generations of technology behind the Samsung Galaxy III.  Samsung then releases one of the best commercials of the year poking fun at the technology-latent phone, but fans grow tired as the commercial is played every 60 seconds for 2 months straight.

Later that same month, Apple decides to replace Google Maps with Apple Maps, an application far inferior to its predecessor.  The app is so bad because it only has about 1/10 of the roads, has no verbal direction-by-direction, and labels roads with red crayon.

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley made an appearance on the Tonight Show, though not as he would have planned.  He said on a Sunday that Americans are not better off today than they were 4 years ago, but then changed his tune.  Leno shows why....

During the Presidential debate, Mitt Romney spoke prophetically about fighting for the advancement of women in the workplace.  He so eloquently stated that he had binders full of women, and the Internet went wild.  The next day, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton became infuriated when Chris Matthews concluded that she was not in anyone's binder of women, not even her husband former President Bill Clinton, whose binders occupied the entire third floor of his presidential library in Arkansas.

The big space news of the year was Felix Baumgartner jumping from outer space from the Red Bull Stratos.  The 24 mile free fall lasted almost 5 minutes and allowed him to reach speeds of mach 1.24.  NASA's big news for the year was that it drove the Space Shuttle Endeavor through the streets of Los Angeles.  What is NASA's mission again???

In Major League Baseball, despite a payroll larger than the budget of the state of Virginia, the New York Yankees did not play the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series.  Regardless of the fact that both parties are deceased, not making the World Series prompted Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire skipper Billy Martin.

October was a busy month, especially in politics.  Crazy Uncle Joe Biden speaking off the cuff endorses gay marriage, thus backing President Obama into a corner, forcing him to also back it, despite publicly stating that he was against gay marriage in 2008.

October was a month of celebrity and political deaths.  George McGovern died in October.  He was the Democrat's choice for President in 1972, losing by a landslide, proving that he was the Democrats' version of John McCain.

Also passing away in October was Dutch actress Syvia Kristel.  Most guys will remember her without clothes as the character Emmanuelle.  I know you're looking through Netflix now seeing if you can queue up that movie.

In Pennsylvania, turncoat Senator Arlen Specter lost his battle with cancer.  Specter was not tied down to any political spectrum.  He supported gay rights, gun rights, immigration amnesty, but was against Obamacare before he favored Obamacare.

CIA Director and former Gulf War II General David Patreaus was exposed as having an affair with his biographer, 40 year old Paula Broadwell.  And the jokes spoke for themselves.  General Patreaus fired his missile at a willing target.  What does General Patreaus do after a long day of leading ground forces in Iraq?  He grabs a Busch and heads for the mountains.  And on and on...

Later in November, President Obama defeated challenger Governor Mitt Romney.  The candidates spent a collective $2 billion running for President, a job that pays about $400,000 per year.  If Congress fails to prevent the country from falling over the fiscal cliff, Romney may actually claim to have gotten the better deal.

Speaking of the fiscal cliff, 85% of Americans were asked if they understood what the fiscal cliff was and 67% said they didn't understand.  42% said they didn't understand statistics at all, but 100% of them agreed that Congress is full of idiots.

Speaking of Congress and the fiscal cliff, the American public demanded that some compromise be made to avoid the massive federal cuts that will occur if no deal is made.  Americans understand that for a compromise, spending needs to be cut and more revenue needs to be generated.  Democrat leader Harry Reid said that spending cuts are off the table and Republican John Boehner said tax hikes are off the table.  So apparently there is nothing on the table.  Fiscal cliff - here we come.

Snack cakes maker Hostess announced that it is closing its doors after 82 years of business.  Liberals are overjoyed that capitalism has failed and this company that perpetuates obesity is going out of business.  Republicans and Libertarians scoff at the liberals for not understanding capitalism, and point out that the company closed after union workers failed to agree to a new contract to help reduce costs.  15,000 Obama supporters suddenly found themselves joining the ranks of the unemployed.

Larry Hagman, star villain J.R. Ewing from the nighttime soap opera Dallas, passed away on November 23rd.  He died of complications of being a millionaire oil baron.


ESPN suspended color analyst Rob Parker for his seemingly racist and bigoted comments about Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III, affectionately known as RG3.  Per an article about the situation, Parker said on ESPN2's First Take "Is he a brother, or is he a cornball brother? ... He's not real. OK, he's black, he kind of does the thing, but he's not really down with the cause. He's not one of us. He's kind of black, but he's not really, like, the guy you want to hang out with because he's off to something else."   Imagine if the white guy would have said that.  He'd never have another job for the rest of his life.  Hopefully RPJerk's suspension is infinitesimal.

Catherine, Dutchess of Cambridge, who's more affectionately known as Kate Middleton, announces to the world that she's pregnant, though the paparazzi has been making this announcement since the day she got married.  British tabloids hail the royal fetus, who may one day be King or Queen, if they could just quickly get through with Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles, and Prince William, the royal fetus' predecessors.

The Mayans failed to prove themselves to be oracles when the world didn't end before Christmas.  Cheapskates damned the Mayans and hit the malls late this year to make their Christmas purchases.

And this is my year in review.  What was your favorite event for 2012?

No comments:

Who links to my website?
Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites