Sheryl Crow Concert Review

Can a Republican love Sheryl Crow? Maybe not. But this Republican sure thinks she's hot. And pictures do her no justice. And editor's note - the pictures got progressively worse as the evening got colder. It's hard to hold a camera still when you're shivering.

Last night she performed at Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, Maryland in front of a nearly-packed crowd. Opening for her were Ingrid Michaelson and Ray LaMontagne. I'm not much of a hippy folksy music kind of guy, so I had really no idea who the other two were.

A friend of mine lent me a couple of CD's before the concert that she said were similar to Ray. Among them was Wilco, and I've heard he's like Ryan Adams, whoever the hell that is. Yeah - they sucked. The joke with my friends is that they must cry a lot and drive pink Volkswagen Cabriolet's with a vanity license plate that says, "IMA PU55Y". To figure out if a male singer is worth hearing - ask yourself this question: could Eddie Van Halen kick his ass? If so, he's probably not worth hearing. Other than being a great rocker, EVH is in his mid-50's, an alcoholic, and cancer survivor.

So my beautiful wife and I intended to have dinner, then mosey over to the concert and miss as much of the opening acts as possible. We ate at Chipotle (pronounced Chip-POAT-lay). My wife had never been there and I love a big fat spicy carnita burrito. And the coolest part - we caught some dude checking her out. It's funny how she gets more looks when the kids aren't around.

My wife's sexy feet:

Despite our lolli-gagging, we still managed to get to the pavilion before the opening act. As we pulled into the parking lot, a mint green Volkswagen Cabriolet turned in front of us. OMG!!!! It's Ray LaMontagne!!!

We made it to our seats and started taking in the scenery. Behind us was Marge Simpson and her 5 elderly sisters. Boy were they putting away some 24 ounce $11 beers. After 2 rounds I commented to my wife that they've already spent nearly $130 on beer. Fortunately for us they read every message on the jumbo-tron so that we wouldn't have to.

Next to us was a young high school girl and her father. How cute is that? In front of us were 3 mom's in their late 40's/early 50's. Next to them were a couple of hippy chicks in their 40's. I had to keep remembering that we were in Howard County. It's a different country down there.

Ingrid Michaelson opened the concert playing the electric piano. Not a bad singer. When she spoke to the audience she was personable and very funny. I could picture her being on "That 70's Show". She played for about 40 minutes before bowing out to a half-packed crowd.

After a 20 minute intermission, some skinny hippies in flannel shirts and shit-kicker boots stroll out onto the stage. Are these the stage hands? No one gets excited. Then the tall hippy dude with the mangy beard starts scratching his head and talking into the microphone. Hey - this is the guy that was driving the mint-green Volkswagen Cabriolet! He bangs out a couple of tunes then speaks to the audience. Yeah - this guy failed speech class in high school, that is if he finished high school. He was definitely the guy playing his guitar and smoking weed under the bleachers during lunch. Wasn't he in that movie Into the Wild?

After 40 minutes of incessant whining and unintelligible blithering, Ray LaMontagne spares our ears for a while. I'm sure he could have played longer, but he kept that roach burning in the ash tray of his friend's van.

At this point, 4 fat lesbians sat next to us. Of course, the fattest one had to sit next to my wife. And of course, her pants were too small and her belt was too tight, causing her to have a grotesque muffin top that spilled over her belt and onto my wife's lap. My wife was totally grossed out. Fortunately, they went to go pick some dandelions during an intermission and when they came back they rotated the seating and the less fat chick sat next to her. The only downside to her was that she was a dancer and wanted to show everyone how excited she was to dance.

After a 40 minute intermission, Sheryl Crow finally comes out. Holy hell. It was a lot louder. And brighter. Not sure what she sang. But it was very theatrical and everyone was into it. In fact, I didn't know her first 3 songs. They weren't bad, I just didn't know them. Then she cranked out A Change Would Do You Good. This was actually the song that I bet my wife she would sing to open. I was close. It was the first song that I knew. I bet my wife that if I was right, she would have sex with me. If she was right, I would have sex with her. All I got was The Look.

BTW - those 2 hippy chicks near us were all into the music. Clenched pumping fist. Wildly swinging hair. Closed eyes. The anger bite - you know the one where you bite your bottom lip with your upper teeth and squint? It was like an anger-management session. I thought Sheryl Crow was supposed to be fun. This girl is mad at the world and taking it out on the air.

The one thing that I feared from the concert was her outspoken liberal rants. Sheryl Crow's not much of a boob girl except when she starts talking politics - then she becomes a big boob. At this point, she spoke her only slightly political statement. She said, "I'm Sheryl Crow. I'm a singer. A songwriter. A mother. A cancer survivor. A meat-eater. And a tax-paying Democrat!!! Bet you didn't know that!" Many of the hippy lesbians around us stood and pumped their fists. I didn't know people could be so enthusiastic about being a tax-payer.

Sheryl rocked for over 2 hours, mostly filled with songs from her new album Detours. She did sing:

Strong Enough
If It Makes You Happy
Everyday Is a Winding Road
My Favorite Mistake
Soak Up the Sun
The First Cut Is the Deepest
Leaving Las Vegas
Real Gone

She encored with All I Wanna Do and Higher Ground, a cover of Stevie Wonder's hit song (and subsequently covered by Red Hot Chili Peppers). I was hoping for Steve McQueen, Picture, Anything But Down, and Sweet Child o'Mine. But hey, you can't have everything.

Unfortunately, I was not able to get close enough to convince her to come home with us. But I had a great time. She's a great singer. She's a great entertainer. And at 46, she's still hot.

And special thanks to the Duckman for letting me borrow his hot pink camera. My old man camera would not have produced pictures nearly this good.