Friday, May 16, 2008

I Heard You Missed Us, We're Back!!!!

What? I can't hear you! Can't talk either. I have no voice. What happened to me???? Oh, wait, that would be because I was rocking with VAN HALEN last night at the fabulous Baltimore Arena!

It finally happened. Two cancellations and several months after the originally scheduled date, Eddie, Alex, David, and some fat kid rocked the house. It was awesome.

Our night started off with some fine dining at Hooters. Not that I care too much for that place. I'm not into the plastic fake look. Everyone was telling me that I'm full of shit. Whatever. Prior to being married, of course, I'd rather hook up with a nice looking chick at the library than one at the strip club. But that's just me.

Joining us were Davey B, Ducky, Ecky, me, Dr. Owen, Bobby, and Mike G (I used nicknames for the innocent to protect us. The rest of you are guilty). Several rounds of appetizers and pitchers of beer later, we ordered food. Apparently I ordered the ass sandwich. I could have sworn I asked for the cheesesteak sub. It was horrible. At least I was able to wash it down with some 2 or 5 Yuengling.

Bethany, our server, was very nice to the old guys and even got some good pictures with Ducky. We convinced her that today was his birthday, so he got the royal treatment from the Hooter girls, as did some 12 year old sitting next to us (he later admitted it wasn't his birthday, either!)

Later we asked her to guess our ages (the real ages in paranthesis). Davey B - 38 (35), Ducky 34 (37), Ecky 36 (45), me 28 (35), Dr. Owen 39 (43?), Mike G 35 (I think he's in his 50's or something), and Bobby (she said "you have a young looking face, probably 42"). Yeah, Bobby's 31. Don't worry, Bobby. I won't tell anyone that you cried a tear or two. Notice I was the only one that she thought was under 30. Yes! I may be short, but I'm still young and cute!!!!

Meanwhile, Ducky tells her we're going to the Van Halen concert. She thinks she's heard of them. She's going to be 19 this year. The flirting continues. I said, "Ducky, you graduated from high school before she was born." Ahhhh!!!!! Other things we heard from the younger crowd:

Van Halen? What does he sing? (you gotta be shitting me, right?)
You're going to see Van Halen? I heard David Lee Roth is opening for them. (ah, yeah, in a way)

Two hours later, I was going to the bathroom about every 45 seconds and about 3 sheets to the wind. Fortunately, Dr. Owen was 15 sheets to the wind, so he picked up the tab. I think he thought the bill was a dollar seventy-three. Let's get the h-e-double hockey stick out of here.

We waddle our way down Pratt Street. Ducky and Ecky turn into Rainman and start rattling all this nonsense about wrestlers and singers from the 80's. It's amazing what they have stored up in those greying heads of their's.

We meet up with Big E and his brother-in-law at the First Mariner Arena and head to our floor seats. Some drunk dudes are up on stage screaming and there is some bad lighting and a large garbage bag as a backdrop. Fortunately, they finish a few minutes after we get there - perfect timing. And rumors that Wolfgang von Ludwig Bach Van Halen was going to jam with the Wiggles as the opening act were totally unfounded. The Wiggles are way cooler than that fat ass.

As I look around, I realize that I am one of the youngest people there. Most are people in their 40's and 50's. Some even brought their kids. "Look, Taylor, Tyler, Gunner, and Hunter….this is the band I listened to when I was young." Most look like they've lived a hard rocking life in the 80's. Rolled up acid-washed jeans. Feathered hair. High tops. Yes, that was them 20 years ago. One chick walks by in a tight skirt and low-cut shirt. I holler out, "I bet she went backstage in '84!!!"

Finally, the lights dim. The sound cranks. And out comes DLR. I believe the first song was "You Really Got Me", followed by "I'm The One" and "Running With the Devil". Let me tell you, Roth can still rock. And how old is this dude? 53? Wow. My dad is 58. DLR could be my father! How cool would that be? Well, maybe he wouldn't make a good father, but he'd be a cool uncle! He's the ice cream man and he's hot for teachers!

After a few songs, the fat chicks and kids in front of us decide to stand on their chairs so that no one behind them could see the concert. Being the master organizer of this event, I decide that I should have top viewing privilege and move. I'm only 5'4 1/2" tall (I'll take what I can get), so I scooch to the end of the aisle. There's a few of us there. Most are playing the air guitar and air drums. I can multi-task. I can dance, play guitar, pump my fist in the air, sing, and do drums all within micro seconds of each other. Talk about raw talent.

Out of nowhere half way through the show, some fat bitch security guard taps on my shoulder and demands to see my ticket. After presenting it to her she says, "you need to get back in your seat." Beee-acccchhh! She then makes everyone else in the aisle get back in their seats. She informs us that the aisles must be clear in case there is a fire. Hello!!!! If there's a fucking fire, EVERYONE will be in the aisle. The only difference is that I will get a head start!!! Stupid moron. I hope Wolfgang ate your lunch and Eddie Van Halen blew your phuquing ear drums out!

Anyway, they rocked for 2 hours. They finished up with the 1984 Jump medley. I was disappointed that there were no booby shots on the jumbo-tron. Then again, I don't think I'd want to see tits with tats. Or old milk jugs. Now that I think about it, the only boobies that I'd really want to see are the ones at a Justin Timberlake concert. (Thanks Twinks!)

After the mob departure, we regroup outside. Dr. Owen says, "Let's go to Larry's!!! (meaning the Hustler Club)" Yeah, Dr. Owen must have continued drinking during the concert. He couldn't even stand up straight at this point.

"No, Dr. Owen. I'm not going to Larry's." "Why not?" "I have to be at work at 7am." "You ain't going to be at work at 7am." "Yes, I am. Are you coming home with us or what?" "No, man! I'm going to Larry's!" "Well, I'm not going to Larry's." "What are you gay or something?" "No, Dr. Owen. It's 11:30 and I have to be at work tomorrow. Are you coming home with us?" "No, man, I'm going to Larry's!" "Okay, Dr. Owen. Goodnight!"

Has anyone seen or heard from him yet? Should we put out an APB? Dr. Owen, where are you? Are you still alive? In fact, Mike G - are you okay? Haven't heard from you yet either. If you come to work with glitter on your nose and pasties in your pocket, you will never live this down!

1 comment:

EVHLover-123 said...

I was at this show. It was fucking awesome!! I had 2nd row seats. Also went to the DC show. Anyway, I was the blonde standing on my chair with my Eddie Van Halen bra exposed. DLR told me I was being to loud and that no one wanted to see my tits...what a dick...I wasn't there for him anyway. I was able to purchase the black/yellow guitar Eddie played at the concert. I also got some great pics & video!! Definitely worth the $$ I paid!! Would do it again in a heart beat.

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