Thursday, May 08, 2008

Locker Room Etiquette

My friend CAG had an excellent posting on locker room etiquette. So I feel compelled to offer the male version of the same post.

So, guys. Here are some of my pet peeves with the locker room.

1) Please wear underwear when you work out. I understand that boxers would be uncomfortable. But go out and get a pair of boxer-briefs. That doesn't make you a metro-sexual. It makes you practical. Seeing your schlong flop out of you're shorts while your stretching is a little stomach churning.

2) Don't use too many aromas. There's this one dude (who says he's married to a woman) and he puts on deodorant, aftershave, cologne, body spray, moisturizer, and foot lotion. Have you ever gagged walking into Bad and Body Works on your way to buy that overpriced bottle of cucumber plumeria hand soap? Yeah, that's this guy.

3) When you come out of the shower, the towel goes around your waste - not your neck. You want to impress the ladies, not the guys. I don't care what you got, even if it is 14 inches long. It does nothing for me.

4) Bring a change of underwear. If you missed that health class in 5th grade - you sweat in your armpits, your head, your chest and that area where your sack lays up against your legs. And it gets sweaty. And your underwear absorbs it. Gross! Bring a 2nd pair! (Yes, I realize this relates to number 1. But it's still no excuse!)

5) Don't sit your naked ass on the bench after the shower (or before it). I don't want to even contemplate poop dribble seeping out of your fat hairy butt onto the bench that we all sit on while we're tying our shoes. Sit on your towel.

6) Don't flex your guns in front of the mirror. You look like a dork. Yes - you're huge. But again, we're not impressed. If it's turning yourself on, more power to you.

7) Pick up the towel and put it in the bin when you're done. It's sweaty. It's gross. If it's gross to you, image how gross it is to someone who has to come in after your lazy ass and pick it up for you. You're mommy still does your laundry, doesn't she?

8) Don't hack a big one while you're in the shower. If you have to, don't announce it to the entire building. Be discrete. It's still gross, but be discrete.

9) If your ass is so hot that you need to use the fan while your changing, turn if off when you're done. I hate walking into an unoccupied locker room to see the fan on full blast cooling off the sweaty towels and poop-dribbled benches.

Follow these simple rules and you avoid the screaming thoughts in my head.


CAG Incognito said...

LMAO!! I can't stop laughing!!! I can't breathe! You are going to get me fired!!

That shit was the FUNNIEST!!! If that's how men act in the lockerroom, then I have nothing to complain about. I will never look at any of those guys the same. (You know you're going to have to point out the repeat offenders...Nasty turds!)

MrsTwink said...

This might be one of your funniest posts.

Poop dribble? hahaha!

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