Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011 - A Year in Review

What can we say about 2011? This was supposed to be the year of the rebound for both Maryland, the U.S. economy, the Orioles, and the NBC Thursday night line-up. What we got was moral turbulence in Maryland, a continuing terrible economy, a 69-93 Orioles, and an Office without Steve Carell and some show named Whitney.

Let's review the year and see what we can remember.

In what has become known as the Arab spring, which actually stretched from winter into the summer, oppressive misogynistic hate-mongering governments of many Middle Eastern countries see the people rise up against them. In January, Tunisia sees its President flee to Saudi Arabia, but no clear leader has emerged. Perhaps we can send them Martin O'Malley. Tunisia needs to move forward.

The entertainment industry lost former Stealers Wheel frontman Gerry Rafferty. He's best known for the songs "Right Down the Line", "Baker Street", and the song from that fun scene in Reservoir Dogs when everyone shoots each other, "Stuck in the Middle With You".

Martin O'Malley holds a forum to discuss sustainability through his 2nd term as Governor. He touches buzz-word topics such as smart growth, clean energy, and Bay restoration. He leaves the forum in his black 6,550 lb Chevy Suburban that gets 8 miles per gallon.

More Arab spring, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarik resigns after 30 years of rule and the military takes over the government. That'd sort of be like George W. Bush resigning and Donald Rumsfeld leading the government until another president could be elected. Not that we expect free elections in Egypt. They're still about as corrupt as the Maryland Congressional redistricting committee.

In Super Bowl 46, the Packers beat the Steelers (thank God!!!) 31-25 behind the skill and arm of Aaron Rogers. Green Bay residents wonder how many Super Bowls they could have won with this kid if they would have just kicked Brett Favre out of town when it was really time to go.

The Gay Marriage Bill was unsuccessful in the Maryland General Assembly. However, Governor Martin O'Malley promises that it will pass next time when he can get credit for it.

March began with disaster as a 9.1 magnitude earthquake hit offshore of Japan and created a giant tsunami. Now people around the world snicker when they hear Fukushima, the nuclear power plant that went into meltdown and exploded after giant waves hit the plant and perilously disabled it. Scientists are uncertain what caused the earthquake, but many speculate that Rosie O'Donnell fell out of her bed.

There was a double-shot of Arab spring in March. There was civil unrest in Bahrain and the King sends the military to shoot the democracy seekers in order to bring peace again. In Libya, Muammar Gaddafi stands tall in protest of the raging civil war in his country. Pretty much everyone in the free world is against this nut (remember the Locherbie bombing?), so it's him and his sticks versus the bombs and jets of the free world. Guess who's going to win this one?

The world loses 2 political figures in March: Warren Christopher, former Secretary of State under Bill Clinton, (not to be confused with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky, who was also under Bill Clinton) and Geraldine Ferraro, former running-mate of Walter Mondale, the Democratic candidate for President in 1984.

In Hollywood, we lose Elizabeth Taylor, the often mocked star for her numerous husbands and awkward relationship with Michael Jackson and his monkey Bubbles. I don't care what people say. If you watch some of her movies back when she was young, she was a very attractive woman. And do you know why Bob Goldthwait was fired from Hollywood Squares? He asked, "What does Michael Jackson do in his spare time? He blows bubbles."

Charlie Sheen is fired from Two and a Half Men, prompting George Steinbrenner to fire Billy Martin. Tiger Blood and Winning are added to the American lexicon.

In what has to be the biggest news of the year, short of the winner of American Idol, Prince William and Catherine Middleton get married. It is estimated that more than 2 billion people watch the wedding, which was sponsored by Bank of America and Toyota.

Former Baltimore City Council President, Mayor of Baltimore, Governor of Maryland, State Comptroller, and general agitator of Martin O'Malley, William Donald Schaefer passes away at the age of 89. Most Marylanders mourn his loss as he was considered a moderate politician representing the people in the middle of the political spectrum. Left-wing fringe politician Martin O'Malley, while publicly mournful of the loss of Schaefer, you know he was relieved to get rid of that meddling kid.

In May, U.S. President Barrack Obama snuck into Pakistan in the middle of the night and killed Osama Bin Laden using illegal guns seized in Washington suburbs. This creates mass confusion in the media as MSNBC tweets that Obama was assassinated. This reminds me of the deplorable joke - what do Obama, Kennedy, and Lincoln have in common? Nothing yet.

In May we see the death of several prominent sports figures - golf legend Seve Ballesteros, wrestling legend Randy Savage, and the hope of Orioles fans for a winning season. Hollywood loses Kenickie from Grease or Bobby from Taxi, though there is much debate as to whether the drugs killed him, or the drug-induced vomiting into his lungs. Does it really matter? Don't do drugs, little bobcat.

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner resigns from office for [insert funny joke here]. Do I really need to say more?

Arab spring continues into June. The freedom-seeking people of Yemen attack the royal palace and demand FiOS be installed in the capital city. Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh, rufusing to give up territorial rights already given to Direct TV, resigns and Abd al-Rab Mansur al-Hadi becomes President and demands that people say his name three times fast.

Farther north in the Middle East, Syrians get the freedom bug, but come under fire as they are attacked by the military and end up fleeing to Turkey where they are able to catch up on rerun episodes of Parks and Recreation.

Longtime euthanasia advocate and convicted felon, Dr. Death Jack Kevorkian died in June. There is no documentation as to what his opinion was on youth in Asia.

Also dead in June is Peter Faulk, probably best known by our generation as the detective Columbo, a show watched by our grandparents.

Not that anybody really cares, but the Dallas Mavericks beat the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals. ESPN is disappointed that the Lakers and Celtics aren't in the finals together for the 300th time, but hey, they'll get over it.

In the summer hockey championship, the Boston Bruins beat the Vancouver Canucks, 4 games to 3. It's a pleasant reminder that there are still hockey teams in Canada.

Opponents of In-State Tuition for Illegal Aliens get a victory when they gather enough signatures to put the issue on the 2012 election ballot. The thousands of illegal immigrants in Maryland say they will vote against this petition to have the law repealed.

South Sudan announces that it is seceding from Sudan. Locals are quoted as saying, "You bitches can have your famine and civil war. We want the Wheel of Fortune and Pillow Pets!" Upon hearing the news, officials in Carroll County Maryland announce they are succeeding from Maryland and forming a new state. Governor O'Malley sends in tanks as citizens scurry from Liberty Road.

The United Nations declares a famine in Somalia, in spite of the protests from Somalis who don't want one.

NASA ends the Space Shuttle program after Space Shuttle Atlantis lands ending a run of nearly 30 years of space exploration using space shuttles. The federal government then allocates some telescopes from Brookstone, a box of rubber bands, and some paper clips and demands that we get to Mars.

Thailand is hit with severe flooding from monsoons. The World Bank estimates that the flooding caused $45 billion worth of improvements in the country.

Many people were very sad in July when Amy Winehouse OD'd on drugs. She joined the 27 Club, a club of exclusive wayward entertainers who cannot handle their fame, fortune, and abundance of drugs.

Casey Anthony is found not guilty for killing her daughter Caylee Anothy proving that if you're attractive enough, you can be found not guilty for killing your daughter.

In August the football world lost Baltimore Colt's legend Bubba Smith. Or you may remember him as Moses Hightower from Police Academy.

Lindsay Lohan most likely committed another crime. The oft-embarrassed, oft-arrested starlet announces she will redeem her image by appearing naked in Playboy. Though not a fan of Lindsay Lohan, I'm all in favor of women redeeming their image in Playboy.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty withdrawals from the Presidential election while in Iowa after Ron Paul informs him that they are running for the 2012 Presidential Election. Apparently Pawlenty thought he and all of the other candidates were getting an early start on the 2016 election, which we now know starts in June of 2012.

Congress authorizes an increase of the federal debt ceiling to $14 trillion. Obama said it is necessary to keep the Government operating and moving forward. He promises to work to reduce the debt in the meantime. In December of this year, he asks Congress for another $1.2 trillion increase in the debt ceiling saying, "yeah, about that, I forgot to work on it."

In September the hockey world lost several great players including Pavol Demetra and Brad McCrimmon. ESPN tells us we should mourn, but we should also be grateful that their favorite star, Sydney Crosby, was not on the plane.

Stephanie Rawling-Blake hosts the Baltimore Grand Prix. Traffic is tied up downtown for months, trees are chopped down, and streets are repaved for a race that is watched by 60% fewer viewers than anticipated. Drivers of the race complain how bumpy the race is. Baltimore is then sent a bill for the race which they can't pay. Can we blame Sheila Dixon for this?

Muammar Gaddafi is killed in Libya. And there was much rejoicing. Yeaaaaahhh.

Wrapped in economic peril because of a mounting debt crisis, Greeks protest and riot across the land. Facing a bailout of over $1 trillion, Greece agrees to become part of China. The Parthenon is being disassembled and will be reconstructed in Beijing as part of the debt repayment program.

In the computer and gadget geek world, Steve Jobs lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. Jobs was an icon and legend at Apple. But come on people, get a grip. It's not like he was the second coming of Christ.

The St. Louis Cardinals beat the Texas Rangers in the World Series. Upon receiving the World Series trophey, Cardinal slugger Albert Pujols says, "F all y'all! I'm going to Disneyland" and promptly signs with the Angels. It is estimated that his new salary is larger than the GDP of Greece, depending on the time of day.

Martin O'Malley takes a pledge to help end bullying. He then tells Maryland Republicans across the state to shut the f**k up and stop complaining about his anti-business, and anti-personal property positions. Mike Miller is heard whispering into his ear, "Remind them that we're going to shoot Republicans down, put them in the ground and bury them upside-down!!!"

ESPN fires Monday Night Football singer Hank Williams Jr. for using an analogy that included both Obama and Hitler, proving that it's never worth including Obama in an analogy - you're bound to get fired.

The Occupy Baltimore movement takes a grip on McKeldin Square at the Inner Harbor. Their intent is unclear, but their complaints are not. Many people complain about the gathering, but the occupiers demand that they have the right to squat on public property, get free electricity, and make a basic trash dump out of the city park.

Stephanie Rawlings-Blake is officially elected to the position of Mayor of Baltimore, a position she has held since Sheila "Gimmie Some Free Gift Cards" Dixon was forced to resign. Martin O'Malley said he looks forward to working with her. Yeah, no kidding. What were you going to say, "Damn, I lost my puppet-politician, now I gotta put up with this one!"?

Revenue from slots in Maryland falls in November and is much lower than anticipated. Searching for answers and not wanting to blame the bad economy or the incompetent political leadership in Maryland, the blame is quickly placed on former Maryland Republican Governor Bob Ehrlich.

The world of politics lost 2 important leaders in December. Rest in Peace Vaclav Havel, the democratic President of Czechoslovakia, who helped tear down the Iron Curtain in Europe during the Cold War. Good riddance Kim Jong Il, the lunatic leader of North Korea. I guess he was unable to get Knight Rider to come save his life.

Obama declares the end of the Iraqi War and says that we have withdrawn all of our troops. This leaves thousands of troops still stationed in Iraq scratching their heads.

Hollywood loses M*A*S*H legend Harry Morgan, better known as Colonel Potter. I've watched a lot of old movies and Harry Morgan always seemed a lot older than he was. I think he was 147 years old when he died.

The Maryland Department of Transportation executive secretary Harold Bartlett announces that after massive toll increases throughout the state, revenues are actually down. Without any hesitation on this newest problem, the blame is squarely placed on former Maryland Republican Governor Bob Ehrlich.

And this is what I remember about 2011. What are your best and worst memories of 2011?

No comments:

Who links to my website?
Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites