Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Maryland's State of the State

Pretty Boy O'Malley will deliver the State of the State address today at noon. It's delivered at noon instead of during prime time hours so that O'Malley won't miss The Biggest Loser tonight at 8pm. He can relate to that show.

I have my predictions about what Marty will say at noon. He'll start by talking about how he is going to create jobs. He knows that he does not have the power to create any jobs other than bureaucratic state jobs, but he'll take credit for the private sectors' hiring. He'll probably also take credit for the jobs that were created by the federal government in Maryland. He'll mention how he is pushing for a tax credit for each employee that is hired, but will fail to mention that he is still seeking an industry that is unorganized so that the General Assembly can tax the crap out of it.

He will say that we are working our way through one of the toughest economic periods in several generations, economic turmoil brought on by greedy businesses, unsavory lending practices by big Wall Street banks, and the mismanagement of our economy by the previous administration. Yes. Despite being in office for 3 agonizing years now (Dear Lord, please convince O'Malley to resign. If he does I'll send him one of my horny fat cousins so she can give him a lap dance), Governor O'Malley will still blame George W. Bush and Governor Ehrlich for all of the problems that the state of Maryland currently suffers.

Yadda-yadda-yadda. O'Malley will mention that crime is down across the state due to coordinated efforts amongst our hard-working law-enforcement officials, though he won't mention that the weather has been too cold for the thugs to go outside and shoot up each other.

Governor O'Malley will mention that he hasn't raised taxes in several months, though I suspect that he will spin his previous tax increases as common sense tax increases on the wealthy and big businesses that were not paying taxes, while failing to mention that he defines "wealthy" as households that make over $40,000 and honestly how many businesses are still in Maryland? They all moved to Virginia!

Marty will also mention slots as a source of future revenue and he'll state that he has worked hard with local and state officials to get the job done - despite the fact that the job is not done. He won't mention that his administration has failed to get one single slots parlor open. He'll fail to mention that the Anne Arundel County slots parlor has failed. He'll won't mention that the slots parlor in Baltimore City has failed. He won't mention that the slots parlor at Rocky Gap has failed. He won't mention that the slots parlor in Ocean City has failed. He won't mention that his legislation is so unreasonable that several slots operators have "politely" told him 'no thanks'. Martin O'Malley also won't mention that if slots would have been passed 6 years ago during the Ehrlich administration, they would be up and running and the state of Maryland would be benefiting from the revenues that are generated.

And my favorite - O'Malley will say that he is helping to move Maryland forward. Forward as if we are moving toward a goal. An ambiguous goal. With no defining characteristics. But we are moving there. What does moving forward mean anyway? I plan on counting how many times he says 'moving forward'. If it is over 10 times then we all win a prize.

So while no one will hear the State of the State address (other than some local news reporters, politicians, and the local talk show hosts), I will do my best to hear it and give you the feedback that your crave. Though I suspect you'll be more interested to know who gets kicked off of The Biggest Loser tonight.

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