Iowa Caucus - Early Exit Polling

Today is the day that everyone in the United States pretends to be interested in Iowa. Other than college football, there is no interest in Iowa because the only thing there is corn and caucus organizers.

DEMOCRATS
Clinton
Corn shuckers and pollsters are coming out in droves and voting for Hillary, mostly because she has hired over 5000 people to drive them to the polls if they promise to voter for her. My sources indicate that Hillary Clinton will be a Socialist tyrant who will do all she can to get corporations out of medicine, because the government can do it better. Voters are brainwashed into believing that because she is Billy-Boy's wife and she claims to be a "moderate", she is the choice of the people.

Obama - the Rock-the-Vote youth crowd thinks Obama is awesome. Fortunately, most of them do not know that he was raised a Muslim and attended a school in Singapore that has ties to Islamic Jihad. Unfortunately, while most of our youth are vocal when it comes to politics, most of them are too busy recovering from hangovers or smoking pot today, so it doesn't look good for Obama.

Edwards - Edwards will run for President every 4 years for the rest of his life. He has sued enough medical doctors for malpractice that he can afford to do so. Fortunately, he ran those pesky OB/GYN's out of business. Unfortunately, voters see him as such a dandy that he doesn't have a real chance. On a side note, does anyone know if there are any OB/GYN's left in North Carolina? I can't find any.

There are persistent rumors that there are other Democratic candidates, but no one has been able to confirm this.

REPUBLICANS
Romney - Romney is turning out to be the early favorite. Voters are indicating that they like the dyed hair with the touch of gray on the sideburns. His Mormonism isn't hampering them because most people no longer believe that all Mormons have ten 14 year-old wives and hide in the desert.

Guiliani - the wild card of the Republicans, he is still close at the polls. He mentions 9/11 as much as possible and is one of the few candidates who actually ran something and ran it successfully. What does a Senator actually do other than sponsor bills and argue with "the other side of the aisle?"

McCain - liked by more people in the middle than any other candidate, it really doesn't matter. No one seems to be voting for him. The primary election is more about propping up the extremists from both parties picking the candidates that no one in the middle likes.

Huckabee - the likable former Governor of Arkansas is doing well today. Gosh darn-it, Huckabee sounds like a jovial Iowa name and it is helping him immensely. He has successfully hidden the fact that he pardoned a rapist and released him from jail who subsequently raped someone else. Not that he had any control over the actions of the individual, but why would you take those chances in the first place?

Thompson - Fred is not doing as well as expected. Voters say that they don't know much about them, but when my crack commando reporters inform them that he was on Law & Order and The Hunt for the Red October, they suddenly remember him, only to be disappointed that they just got done voting for Mitt Romney.

Ron Paul - the favorite of people that actually understands politics, no one has voted for him today - mostly because the people voting today don't understand politics. Poor Ron. You still have my backing.