Black Friday Night at Wal-Mart

A week or two ago my wife asked if I would go to Wal-Mart at midnight and get some junk for the kids for Christmas. I said, "sure". Then I thought about it and realized that I would need to get in line for a few hours as those specials go fast, so you must get there early. Then it dawned on me yesterday morning - I'd be in line at the same time that the Ravens' game was going on. Crap!!! What did I get myself into?

So I left my house at 8:15 pm to go to the Wally-World in Eldersburg. So that I could wait in line for 3 1/2 hour. What the hell am I thinking? I brought my book (The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas - I've been reading this book since the end of the summer. It's 1400 pages long and I'm on page 1040.) I also brought a bottle of water.

I got there around 8:30 and the parking lot was about 1/3 full. I had to weave through the barricade that they set up. It was fortified enough to stop the Allied invasion at Normandy. But could it withstand the Randallstown invasion???

I scouted for the products I wanted, but soon learned that you had to get in line for one product and stay there the ENTIRE time. Okay, so I was only going to get one item. I picked one, got the voucher (I was number 5) and got in line. There were 3 ladies in front of me and some older hillbilly with a Fu Manchu and a ponytail. I sat down and started reading my book. I was half listening to the ladies biddying back and forth. They were planning out their entire weekend. There was no sleep in their plans. 'After here, we'll go there, then we'll go here and then we'll go here.' More power to them. It sounded as if they were going to spend $5,000 over the 4 day weekend, but they were going to save over $400 getting stuff they really don't need.

After a while Karl (the name I'm giving the Fu Manchu in front of me) starts making conversation. He's got a bottle of water and a big tankard with a straw in it. What's in that thing? His voice is a bit husky and his speech is slow. Reminds me of Karl from Slingblade. I'm just waiting for this guy to say, "Gonna get me some French fried taters."

He tells me that he's a framer (builds houses and such). The following are the conversations and statements that he made the rest of the evening.

Yep, I'm a framer. I can do it all, wood, metal, electric, white rock. Yep. 'cept I ain't licensed. Sometimes they come in and make you tear it all up if you ain't licensed. 's not like I can't do it. It's all good.

I been workin' at my Church. Built out a daycare over one weekend. 'spectors came in and didn't believe we could do it all in a weekend. (I couldn't comprehend the rest of the conversation).

I like my Church. I can come in dressed like this (sweatshirt and jeans). Sometimes I come in with a bandanna on. Sometimes I come in without a bandanna. Don't make no difference.

I was planning on goin' to my buddy's for Thanksgiving today, but he passed out. So I didn't go over there.

I'm gettin' hungry. Gotta big plate of ham in my truck. It's a BIG plate of ham. Might go get me some of that.

Livin' with my mama right now. Tryin' to help her out, get everything situated. My brothers is both married. I'm tryin' to get divorced, so I been helpin' out my mama. She's got a crawlspace under her house. (the last sentence seems a bit innocuous, except that that was the last sentence of that part of the conversation. I have no idea where that was going.)

You got any kids?
Yes, three kids.
How old are they?
Twelve, nine, and four.
(confused look on his face). How old are you?
Thirty-nine.
Hell, I's thought you's my age. (Gee....thanks a lot!!!) I gots kids in their 20's. They gots kids of their own. I got......2 grandkids.......yeah, 2. They are 11, no....9, uh...9 and 8. No, .......9.......9 and 7,.......sorry, they's 9 and 4.

My kids keep calling me said they busted up a room and need my help fixin' it up. So I gotta send 'em 500 bucks so they can fix up their room.

I'm goin' to Texas soon. Goin' down 95 to Florida, gotta buddy gonna take me fishin. He's got one of them charter boats. Take me out and catch some sail fish. It's a good deal. Then I'm gonna take I-10 and go down Texas and see my other buddy. Gonna take like a month and a half off, but I'll be back by Christmas. Got me a real good job where I can just say I'm takin' off and be back later. Work for and with my brother.

(while I'm reading my book) I babysat this girl for 30 days once cuz her daddy was in jail. That girl could read. She could read that whole book in like 2 days.

Think I might get a printer, too. If I'd a brought more cards (credit cards), I coulda got some ink, too. But I didn't bring any more cards.

They allowed 15 minute bathroom breaks. You had to exchange your voucher for a bathroom pass, then get your bathroom pass back when you returned. Karl uses this opportunity to go get his ham, or smoke some weed or something. The lady in front of him comes back and hands me a Diet Coke. I thank her profusely and offer to pay her for it. "No, no!!! It's the least we can do since you've been occupying that guy for several hours. If it weren't for you he'd be talking to us! And he's crazy!!!"

Karl takes his break, gets a sub at Subway, comes back. 10 minutes before midnight, one of the Wal-Mart guys walks though the line and asks if everyone has their voucher because he still had one in his possession that wasn't claimed.
Karl, I think that might be yours.
(slurred and stumbling and weaving back and forth at this point) Hell, I gots mine right here in my pocket. (pulls it out and unfolds it)
That's a bathroom pass. I don't think they're going to let you exchange a bathroom pass for a laptop.
Hell, they better give me back my voucher. Been waiting here since 8, after 8.
Sir, I think that voucher belongs to this gentleman here.
Sir, is this yours?
Hell, yeah that's mine. Been waiting here since 'for 8. I ain't standing line all this time just to be told I ain't gettin' no laptop. I know how to raise hell. My mama's house is worth $450,000, so I knows I can make bail. (good Lord!!!)
Okay, sir. Here's your voucher.

At midnight the line moves forward and he hands the Wal-Mart clerk his voucher.
Here you go, sir.
I need 2.
Uh....you have one voucher, that entitles you to one laptop.
What the hell???!!! I stood in line for nearly 5 hours and I ain't gettin' another laptop. Damn it!

Karl and departed at this point. I run into a friend who says that he had to park at Shoppers because the Wal-Mart parking lot is absolutely full. I move on to the cash registers and spend another 30 minutes waiting to check out. Good grief. I hope it was worth it.