Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Sidney Crosby

Sidney Crosby, apparantly, is the greatest hockey player ever. Well, maybe since Wayne Gretzky.

How do I know so? Because NBC and ESPN told me so. I'll give credit to NBC - at least they show hockey games. Outside of their daily exaltations to Sidney Crosby, ESPN dedicates 15 seconds to hockey every other Wednesday by allowing Barry Melrose to remind people which cities still have hockey teams.

Gary Bettman said it himself. "Sidney Crosby saved hockey from imminent demise. Without the Penguins in Pittsburgh, the space time continuium would have collapsed and we would have all met our maker."

This is absolutely ridiculous. First of all - hockey has not been saved. I love hockey, but it's not popular in the United States. Americans love hockey as much as the Brits love dentists.

So I got to snooping around on the Internet. What other ludicous things are sports writers saying about Sidney Crosby? Here's what I found:

Here's an article I found on Yahoo Sports:

By Dell PoiraL, AP Hockey Writer 11 hours, 41 minutes ago
NEW YORK (AP)—Evgeni Malkin looked every bit like an MVP at MSG and pushed the Pittsburgh Penguins to the brink of the Eastern Conference finals. Only hours after Malkin was announced as a Hart Trophy finalist, the second-year forward showed why.

He scored two power-play goals and added an assist in the Penguins’ 5-3 victory over the New York Rangers on Tuesday night that gave Pittsburgh a 3-0 lead in the series.

"I’m definitely proud of him," said captain Sidney Crosby, last year’s Hart winner. "As a teammate, you always want to see other guys do well. He did that all season. It was a great accomplishment. But I cannot believe that the official scorers attributed the goals to him and not me."

Apparently, this comment has led the league to review its policy on how it credits goals in games. Based on current rules, Crosby was not credited with any goals last night.

NHL spokesman Craig Rothscover said, "We are looking into ways to credit more goals to Sidney Crosby since he is the greatest hockey player of all time. NBC and ESPN will agree with that statement."

Some suggestions presented by the NHL include crediting goals to Crosby when he is on the ice when a goal is scored, regardless of which team scores the goal.

However, this leaves officials in a quandary with how to attribute goals to Crosby when he is not on the ice. An anonymous source said that the league is also considering giving Crosby credit for goals scored if he cheers while on the bench.

The most radical suggestion, by far, but certainly a fan and media favorite, is to credit Crosby with any goal scored, regardless of the teams that are playing. If this rule would have been in place last night, not only would have the young superstar scored 5 goals for the Penguins, but also the 3 scored the Rangers, and the combined 10 goals scored by San Jose, Dallas, Detroit, and Colorado.

According to Barry Melrose of ESPN, "This is a win-win for hockey, the media, and hockey."

Other things that I found:

Game 1 against Ottawa - Crosby led the Penguins to a victory over the Senators. Oh, and by the way, Gary Roberts had 2 goals. (Crosby's stats line - 0 Goals, 0 Assists, +/- 0). What a hero!

Crosby already leads other candidates for the 08-09 MVP trophie. The season starts in October.

After Sidney Crosby leads the Penguins to victory in the Stanley Cup Championship, he will then refocus his powers during the off season to end the war in Iraq, eradicate cancer and diabetes, raise New Orleans above sea level, end poverty, and defeat Snidely Whiplash once and for all.

Sidney Crosby announced today that they way to end Global Warming will be to have more people watch him play hockey on the ice. Ice is cold, so cold will make things less warm, thus ending global warming.

According to my good friend "George" (who pretends to be a quasi-British subject and a Republican despite matching more closely with Hillary Clinton in every political compatibility quiz), ABC News reported that scientists have discovered that Sidney Crosby went back in time and constructed the pyramids in Egypt. The team of scientists translated a newly discovered plate of hierogliphics that say, "Sidney Crosby, the God of Ice, constructed these pyramids while serving a 2 minute minor for slashing."

From Yahoo Sports in March:

Sidney Crosby leads the league in goals scored with 24. Close behind him are Alexander Ovechkin with 65, Illya Kovalchuck with 52, and teammate Evgeni Malkin with 50.


zach said...

your dumb

Eludius said...

How eloquent! And based on your comment with it's grammatical errors, I'm not alone.

RagTears said...


Steve S said...

That's awesome...

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