My Earth Day List

Today is Earth Day. And because it is Earth Day, I promise to do the following things:

1) not to sit and idle in traffic. Instead I will drive over any hybrid cars that driving under the speed limit with my SUV so that we can hurry up and get out of the congested city
2) not criticize liberals who drive around in SUV's and corporate jets
3) not criticize liberal school systems for not have recycling programs in their cafeterias
4) not cut down any invasive maple and willow trees growing behind my house despite the fact that they are destroying the watershed and will eventually lead to the collapse of the berm that maintains the storm management system
5) not to kill snake head fish that were introduced into our ecosystem by irresponsible people who maintain illegal trade relationships with communist China
6) not to shoot any of the 150 deer than now roam my neighborhood every evening and morning eating our expensive indigenous vegetation that we planted
7) not holler at the hypocrite with the Obama sticker on his bumper while he is smoking with his kids in the car
8) not to eat 2 organic yogurts for lunch in the down-sized unrecyclable wide-mouthed packages that are now too small for an adult to eat and be satisfied.
9) not holler at vegetarian celebrities with their $1000 Prada leather handbag.
10) buy at least one organic product at the grocery store despite the fact that it costs 3 times as much as the regular product (I will forgo feeding my children today to make up for the difference)
11) will turn off my heating/AC this evening and open the windows, despite the fact that teenagers will be ripping down the street in their crappy Honda Civics with those stupid phat mufflers and keep me awake all night
12) not send my children to school because they would be exposed to diesel fumes from the bus and the school has a climate controlled system that prevents clean air from being circulated in the building
13) not complain about the excessive levels of mercury in my house because of the compact fluorescent light bulbs that I dropped
14) spend $2500 to have a more efficient washer and dryer that will save me over $65 a year in electricity
15) buy a manual push mower instead of using my self-propelled gas-powered lawn mower. Yes, it will take me 3 hours to mow my lawn, but if Al Gore gives me a carbon credit it would totally be worth it.
16) Hang out my stained underwear to dry outside rather than using the dryer
17) stop using plastic water bottles and start carrying around my water in my cupped hands
18) turn off my computer at work - I'm not really working anyway!
19) take a shorter shower
20) install a low-flow shower head, which would require me to take a longer shower to get the soap off, but I can go to work soapy, especially if it saves a polar bear.

You too can save the planet and stop global warming. The dinosaurs were able to stop the global warming that they created with all their dang dinosaur trucks and dinosaur factories. If they can do it, so can you!!!