The White Death Is Upon Us

Yesterday, that state with gripped with absolute fear when strange cold white flakes starting falling from the sky. Stay-at-home mother's fraught with mental illness began speed-dialing their children's schools to find out if they were leaving early to come home to the safety of their coddling parents. Indeed, many schools got out 2 hours early. Much to the delight of the kids, all of this snow presented the opportunity to run home and play video games in the basement.

Meanwhile, the state was scrambling to develop an emergency plan. 20-ton dump trucks were loaded with salt and chemicals, while 1 ton plows were mounted to the front of the trucks. It wasn't long before a convoy of these behemoths were parading around the state scraping up over an inch of slush and dumping tons of the melting mixtures onto the roads.

Working moms panicked and left work early, hoping to avoid their annual spinning and sliding on the roads. However, it was not to be. Mercedes SUV's slid off of the road. Soccer mom's in their Dodge Caravan's slammed into cars at intersections while passing eco-friendly Civics that were able to traverse the inch of snow gawked at the accident scenes.

This morning will be no better. Now black death is upon us. Unsuspecting multitasking moms will be forced to travel at high speeds and spin off into trees and fences. Fortunately, they can blame black ice. This phenomena only came to being a few years ago. Before that time, there was no black ice. There was just ice. And it was shiny. Again, the state will spend millions and has dropped an additional 80 thousand tons of salt and chemicals on the roads with the hopes of making them safe.

In related news, the Chesapeake Bay Foundation this week gave the bay a grade of D. They claimed that there are too many chemicals in the water that are killing off plant and animal life. If this is not reversed, the bay will a flowing dead zone. The state said it will spend millions to investigate why there are all of these chemicals and salts in the water.