2007 - A Year in Review

January

In January, China started the new year by conducting anti-terror raids in Xinjiang. The raids were conducted by terrorizing the residents of the town.

Not to be outdone, Democrats in the House of Representatives do their own terrorizing by selected Nancy Pelosi as the new Speaker of the House. Soon after, the Doomsday Clock is set to 5 minutes to midnight, though they declare that Pelosi's promotion was not related.

Later in January, in a show of good faith, Israel releases $100 million in frozen assets to President Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the Palestinians. He immediately purchases $100 million in suicide bombing packages.

On January 30^th, Microsoft releases Microsoft Vista and Office 2007 to little fanfare. Patches were available later in the day to fix severe securities flaws.

On the last day of the month, Delta Air Lines, which is in its 17^th bankruptcy, rejects U.S. Airways' hostile takeover. Apparently U.S. Airways bankruptcy terms’ were not as good.

February

The Indianapolis Colts defeat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Despite only have 1 Super Bowl ring to Tom Brady's 3 rings, Peyton Manning is immediately declared the best quarterback in the history of the universe.

Illinois' junior Senator Barak Hussein Obama declares his candidacy for President. Oprah immediately endorses him and Stedmen mysteriously disappears.

The 49^th Grammy Award Show was held in the Staples Center in Los Angeles. To raise ratings, the event is held during a Lakers’ game. Kobe Bryant fails to win an award, or score a triple double.

In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il agrees to shut down their nuclear facilities after the United States agrees to provide the complete series of Knight Rider on DVD.

March

Van Halen is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of the current members of the band showed up to receive the award. David Lee Roth claims he wasn't sure if he was still the lead singer.

Major League Baseball player Ugueth Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attacking employees on his farm with a machete and pouring gasoline on them. In his defense, he declared, "it's not like a took steroids or anything!"

April

In early April, the Greek cruise ship M/S Sea Diamond strikes a reef and sinks within 24 hours. It was said that the ship sank almost as fast as Christopher Dodd's presidential campaign.

Nappy-haired Don Imus calls the Rutgers basketball team a "bunch of nappy headed hoes". Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson demand Imus' immediate execution. Imus is fired from CBS, but starts another show, but this time he actually hires a nappy headed hoe as a co-host.

Dennis Kucinich introduces articles to Congress to impeach Dick Cheney. Unfortunately for Kucinich, he later sees UFO's and goes on record stating confirming the sighting and saying that even Jimmy Carter saw a UFO, so he must be normal.

May

Rupert Murdoch, the CEO of News Corp and owner of the Fox News Channel, announces plans to purchase Dow Jones, publisher of the Wall Street Journal. Left-wing liberal editors across the nation criticize the purchase saying that Murdoch’s libertarian influence will affect the neutrality of the editorial staff.

18,000 Mexicans pose nude for photographer Spencer Tunik in Mexico City. After the photo shoot, they get dressed and illegally immigrate to the United States. They now work at the McDonald’s in Glen Burnie.

DaimlerChrysler announces that it has sold most of Chrysler to a private equity firm. Originally paying $35 billion for Chrysler, Daimler sells the company for $7 Billion, and some beads and trinkets.

June

The Anaheim Ducks defeat the Ottawa Senators to win the NHL Stanley Cup. On a sad note, 3 Ducks players were hospitalized when trying to practice on a pond in the middle of Los Angeles in June.

A week after the hockey title, the NBA crowns the San Antonio Spurs as Champions over LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron promises to do better when the new season starts next week.

Bob Barker steps down from The Price is Right. He's immediately neutered and put up for adoption.

WWE wrestler Chris Benoit is found dead along with his wife and son. It is suspected that their deaths were caused by rage induced by steroids when they find lots of steroids and rage in the house.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair steps down and M from the James Bond series is appointed the new Prime Minister. He immediately changes his name to Gordon Brown.

Apple releases the iPhone. Philadelphia goes into a panic when Fox News shows the mayor camping out in a lawn chair outside of one of the stores. John Edwards calls him and asks why he didn't just send a staffer like he did.

July

Hong Kong celebrates 10 years of Chinese rule. 4000 journalists and professors are rounded up and arrested for practicing free thought. They are soon put to work applying shiny lead paint to toys to be sold at Wal-Mart.

Dick Cheney becomes acting President for 2 ½ hours while George Bush undergoes a colonoscopy. Cheney went the entire time without shooting anyone in the face, while doctors confirmed that there’s as much shit in Bush's colon as there is coming out of his mouth.

Millions of nerds writhing from the lack of new Star Wars releases flock to book stores for J.K. Rowling's release of the newest Harry Potter book.

August

Boys Scouts of America celebrates its 100^th anniversary since the group was founded, and also celebrates that it's been 2 years since its last sexual predator scandal.

Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's record of 755 home runs. The ball lands in Missouri 4 hours later. Meanwhile, Bonds' eyelids explode while he is denying steroids usage during a press conference after the game.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig is arrested for lewd contact in a men’s room at an airport. He then announces that he will resign, but changes his mind. He then announces his will plead guilty to the charges, then changes his mind, then changes his mind once again. However, amidst the controversy and to the disappointment of Johns in johns, he declares that he’s still not gay.

The Texas Rangers defeat the Orioles 30-3. After the game, Peter Angelos promises to sign better veterans and rid the team of the pesky young talent.

September

The Federal Reserve lowers interest rates by 0.5% to ease the financial crisis that is spurred by the credit crunch caused by the high risk mortgage defaults. Hillary Clinton then announces that she will support legislation that will reward both the lenders who provided these loans to people who didn't qualify and also reward those who didn’t pay their mortgage.

Van Halen announces their reunion concert tour. The band is reunited with Eddie Van Halen's under-aged son Wolfgang and former lead singer David Lee Roth. Gray-haired groupies and fat middle-aged men flock to Ticketmaster to scoop up the hot tickets. The concert tour opens in the small town of Charlotte, NC.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaks to students at Columbia University in New York City. He is greeted with laughter when he announces that there are no homosexuals in Iran, just homicidal bombers.

October

The Boston Red Sox defeat the Colorado Rockies in the World Series. Unfortunately, no one saw the games because football season had already started.

President Pervez Musharref declares state of emergency in Pakistan after he learns Benazir Bhutto may challenge him in the upcoming elections. He later has her killed and declares that election laws in Pakistan do not prohibit candidates from executing their opponents.

The Baltimore Ravens begin a +9 game losing streak. Coach Brian Billick claims that the team continues to show poise and character. Unfortunately, they are unable to show wins. In a related story, the self-proclaimed Goof on the Roof declares to stay on the roof of his house until the Ravens win a game. Many suspect that he will be up there for several years. He is later arrested for failing to pay child support and changes his name to the Dufus on the Roofus.

November

Washington Redskin Sean Taylor is killed in his home in Miami. None of the gang members that were involved in Taylor's previous arrests claim to know anything about it.

The Maryland General Assembly passes a revenue adjustment bill that only affects the rich. Unfortunately, they define rich as anyone who holds a job. State sales tax is raised by 20% along with other tax increases. House Delegates Anne Kaiser and Craig Rice continue to remove this fact from their Wikipedia pages, but diligent editors keep adding it back.

NFL Quarterback Michael Vick begins serving a sentence for running a dog fighting ring. In his defense he claims, “It’s not like I was a major league baseball player taking steroids!”

December

George Mitchell releases what’s come to be known as the Mitchell Report, implicating dozens of baseball players for taking steroids and human growth hormones. The public as a whole releases a calm “duh”, while the press is outraged and shocked at this careless report. 45 year-old Roger Clemens, who is named in the report, continues to deny the claims, as he throws 180 mph fastballs at his critics.

Teenage middle school children go crazy on the MTA buses in Baltimore. Several white people are severely beaten. Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon claims that they are investigating the matter while the attorney of one of the criminals states that the white girl beat her face against the shoes of his client. The crime spree continues to several weeks, encouraging more white middle class people to use public transportation.

New Jersey bans the death penalty. Murderers across the state celebrate. Other criminals decide that they too will run for political office.

The Accident - Day 2

Here are a couple more pictures of the accident. I took these with my cell phone. Yes, Brick, that is my finger.

The doctor said I was going to be sore as hell today. He was right. My neck hurts really bad. My upper back is pretty stiff and sore. My right foot hurts. I guess I slammed on the break. My teeth hurt. I guess I clenched my jaw at the impact.

How I Broke My Cassette Player, OR Why I Didn't Go To Work Today

If you ever watched the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, you know exactly the meaning of that title. I was hoping to write a post about Christmas, but I think that can wait. Today, I had a date with Destiny.

Unfortunately for me, Destiny was the driver of the 2005 Mitsubishi Gallant that spun out of control and slammed into the side of my truck on Liberty Road this morning on my way to work. I have some suspicion that Martin O'Malley learned of this blog and sent her to take me out. He failed.

I have a few photos taken from my cell phone, but I don't know how to get them off of there and into the computer. When my wife arrived to pick me up, she brought the camera so that I could get "evidence" of the crime. (You can click on the photos to get a larger picture of the crime scene.)

I was traveling eastbound on Liberty Road coming up on Old Liberty Road. I saw a car in the left lane of the west bound direction with its turn signal on.

Coming from behind the Gallant I see a silver car flying by going sideways. I realize that she has absolutely no control of her vehicle.

A split second later I realized that she was now coming into my lane as her car was doing pirouette's and spinning tail first right at me.

The next thing I know she slams into the side of me and I am now traveling backwards. A split second later, I am down in a ditch looking straight up the wrong direction of the road.
I called my wife to let her know that I was in an accident, but I was fine. People who saw the accident came racing to my truck, sure that I was dead. Fortunately for me, they were surprised to see me cussing at the steering wheel.I tried to open my door, but it was jammed shut. I climbed through the passenger side to get out. By this point, the Maryland State Police were already on the scene and tending to the other vehicle. The officer approached me and asked if I was okay, which I said I was. She said that by the looks of the accident, I was lucky not to be seriously injured.

The ambulance arrived at the scene within a few minutes. One of the EMT's approached me and asked if I was okay, which I again responded that I was. He said that by the looks of the accident, I was lucky that I was not seriously injured. Okay, time to start counting my blessings. Thanks, Big Guy up in the sky.
The paramedics arrived and they extricated the lady from the car. They took her away while the state police gathered information for what happened. I explained my version to the officer. When I finished, he said that my version matches identically with the version provided by the lady that was traveling behind me.

An hour later, the rollback arrives and they take away my car. My wife comes to get me and we go home.

I decided to go to the doctor just to get checked out. When I arrive, I tell them that I was in an accident this morning and wanted to get checked out. The lady at the desk asks, "Were you in that accident this morning on Liberty Road down where it intersects with Old Liberty Road." Yes. "By the looks of that accident, you're lucky you weren't seriously injured." Yes, I already to go Church. But I'll keep going now.

Later in the day I get a call from her insurance company and they arrange a rental car for me. I go to pick it up and I tell the guys that I am here to get a rental car that was called in by the other driver's insurance company. They casually ask if I was in an accident. I said yes, this morning. The one guy says, "were you in that accident on Liberty Road down by Old Liberty Road? Both of those cars were F-d up!!!" Okay, I'm starting to feel like some higher power that's been given a second chance.

So, I am fine. I'm going to work tomorrow. At least that's the plan. I am anticipating waking up in serious pain. If I do, I'll thank God that I can feel pain. After all, I could be in the hospital or worse...

Apples Don't Fall Far From the Tree

On Saturday we ventured to Towson Town Center to finish our Christmas shopping. My wife woke me up at 6:30 am and told me we had to hurry up and get going. To do what? Get there before the people that work there got there?

I dragged my donkey around long enough that we didn't have the kids ready until 8:30-ish. We got to the mall a little after 9am. It wasn't too crowded. I think my wife feared massive hyper shoppers knocking people over laying havoc in their wake.

During one of her scheduled feedings of our 4 month old daughter, I took my son and daughter for a walk around the mall. We ventured over to the Rain Forest Cafe to check out the crocodile in the pond. My son was all excited to go see it ----until we got there. All of a sudden, you'd think I was taking him into a slaughter house, or worse yet, a Democratic Convention rally.

He no longer wanted to eat lunch there. Time passed and we reconnoitered with my wife. It was about 10:30. My wife was now being harassed by my daughter because she wanted to eat lunch there. My son became very anxious. We decided to go there for lunch, but we'd look at the fish tanks for a while to calm him down. He finally agreed to go in. We had a great lunch. He held his fingers in his ears for much of the time, but I think he was surprised that no monster (or Democrats) attacked him.

After we left, my wife told my son that she was very proud of him for being brave and also for not complaining while we were at the restaurant. A few seconds later we passed a cellphone kiosk. He turns to us and says, "Since you're so proud of me you should get me a cellphone!" Seriously? Is this child mine?

Later that day my niece is over at my house. He gets outs his GEOTracks train set. He says, "Hey, Sophia, do you want to play with trains?" "Okay", she says. "Okay, go ahead" and he walks away. Calgon, take him away!!!

Mayor of Baltimore Arrested

On May 25, because of political actions against the government of the United State of America, the Mayor of Baltimore, in addition to the Chief of Police, the Police Commissioner, 31 members of the Maryland State Senate, and judges and newspapers editors were arrested.

Again on September 13-17, members of the Maryland Legislature gathered in Frederick City with devious plans. These traitors were arrested for being disloyal to their government.

Unfortunately, this news is not coming to us in 2007. This news is from 1861, as told by Daniel Carroll Toomey in his book, The Civil War in Maryland. The actions of our current legislature could land many in jail during the 1860's, but not now. Their behavior is endorsed and supported. One could only hope that our treacherous politicians would be facing such charges here in the 21st century.

In addition, election shenanigans are not new to Maryland. We are all familiar with the fraudulent gubernatorial election in Baltimore City when Parris Glendening ran. Lots of dead people voted for him.

In October of 1861, Augustus W. Bradford was elected, with the help of many Massachusetts soldiers that were stationed in the area to keep the peace.

Funny how history keeps repeating itself. And did I mention that history repeats itself?

The Right to Vote

Section 1 of the the 26th Amendment to the United States Constitution reads:

The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.

On December 20th of 2007, the State of Maryland has interpreted this to mean that children who are 17 years old can vote in the primary election. However, the Board of Elections did state that these children must be 18 by the general election.

One must agree that the Constitution is quite ambiguous on the 26th Amendment. It says "18", but is it really 18, or close to 18? What if you are very mature for your age? It clearly does not take this into consideration.

What if you are 17 years old and have a beard and can get away with buying beer at the liquor store? Most people would think this dude is 18. It's so very confusing.

This amendment could be interpreted multiple ways and luckily for us here in Maryland, they have cleared this up. Maryland believes that the Constitution is a "living document", meaning that it can be interpreted any way you want per the circumstances at the time. What the amendment really means is, "If you are close to 18, you can vote."

It is estimated that nearly six 17 year-old's will vote in the Primary Election next year. Most of the eligible 17 year old's in Baltimore City, however, will be in prison, so turnout is expected to be low there.

Who's Politics Do You Follow?

Do you ever feel disenfranchised by politics? Do you often feel that most politicians do not accurately represent your political views? You may be onto something. I have been studying politics for a while now and I have devised these bell-curve charts to show how politics actually is represented.

As anyone who has taken quantitative methods or statistics knows (which means all of you that attended Baltimore City public schools can stop reading right now), all populations fall into a bell curve. The larger the sample, the closer the population will fit into the bell curve.

As you would suppose, with the liberal school of thought on the left and the conservative school of thought on the right (and being correct, in addition to being right), most people will fall into the moderate category. The political party that represents the moderate middle??? None! There are some people who are close - John McCain, Joe Liebermann.The liberal school of thought, however, thinks that most people are leftist thinking. We know this not to be true. Not everyone wants to spend the majority of their waking hours worrying over how to minimize their carbon imprint on nature.The conservative school of thought, on the other hand, says that we need smaller governments and more religious freedom. At the same time, they want to expand the military, the government, and crack down on religious zealots that aren't Judeo-Christians. The main-stream press (think not Fox) thinks that you fall into camp one or the other. There is no one in the middle. If you are a moderate, you are a fence sitter. You're wishy-washy. You have no principals. You need to open your eyes and join the left, which is actually the center.




Martin O'Malley, however, KNOWS that everyone in Maryland is a hard-left-wing liberal extremist and by voting him into office, he had a mandate to propose any wacky law that he wanted because it's for the children.

Winthrop lost to who????

Winthrop, the former powerhouse in Division I basketball, lost a tough game last night to Mount St. Mary's University. It's the second game I have seen since graduating from Winthrop a couple of years ago. Okay, I graduated 13 years ago, but that's not the point.

Anyway, a game which was expected to be a blowout by Winthrop didn't go so well. Chris Gaynor sat out half way through the second half with 4 fouls. Neither team could hit a basket. All 85 fans were getting really frustrated. A good thing was that you could sit anywhere you wanted. Oh, well. At least I got to see them.

But how can a team that beat Georgia Tech earlier in the year, and the same team who played a close game with Mississippi last week, lose to the Mount? The Mount!!! I just don't understand. Maybe it was the crowd noise.

Fortunately, there were no fights, there were no ejections, no screaming, and no cursing at the officials. I think held my composure pretty well. And the players and coaches behaved well, too.

After the game, the mass of people filed out of the Knott Arena, which is just a little bit bigger than the Bel Air High School gymnasium, and headed home. We traversed through the metropolis of Emmitsburg, both acres of it. I didn't realize that Emmitsburg was so far out in the middle of nowhere. It took us over an hour to get there. Ugh. Getting up this morning was tough.

And I feel hung over, but all I had last night was a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Diet Coke. Though I think the Quarter Pounder was made from deer meat, you know, the kind that you see in pictures of hunting magazines where little 8 year old girls are holding up the head of their latest kill? Awesome!

New Jersey Endorses Crime Part II

As you may have read, New Jersey revoked the state's law that allows the death penalty. Good news for criminals! This law was signed by New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine.

However, should a Governor who sustained a recent head injury be passing such a liberal crime-tolerant law? Corzine, as you may remember, was critically injured when his driver swerved off of the road while travelling near 100 MPH and Corzine was not wearing his seat belt. Now he's passing laws favoring criminals. Yeah, this is the guy I want running my state. Psych!

Speaking of crazy governors, Martin O'Malley said he wants to tackle rising electricity rates. This is like de ja vu all over again. The last time he tackled electricity rates he stuck it to us with a 72% increase. I think I prefer that he stay out of it this time.

And speaking of crazy, Maryland Senate President Mike Miller said that citizens requesting that the Maryland General Assembly follow Maryland law is "bungled legal reasoning". A lawsuit was filed by the Maryland Republican Party outlining how the new tax package that sticks it to the middle class is unlawful.

First, the Maryland State Constitution prohibits revenue generating laws from being put to voter referendum. O'Malley and his jesters have put the Slots Bill to referendum (in November of 2008!) that will generate revenue for the state coffers. I'm sure that it will now be sold as an entertainment and freedom of choice law rather than a revenue generator.

Also cited in the lawsuit is that neither the House or the Senate can adjourn for more than 3 days without the approval of the other. The Maryland Senate adjourned for over a week when the House passed the bill. Mike Miller said this is "frivolous". I'm glad that these lawmakers have such a high respect for the laws that they pass. I guess what they mean is that they follow the spirit of the law, but only when it's convenient. At the other times, it would harm the children if we didn't make the tough decisions that Republicans are trying so hard to undo.

The Worst of the Worst

Depsite not having the worst record in the NFL, the Baltimore Ravens proved on Sunday that they are the worst team in the league. The winless 0-13 Miami Dolphins defeated the Ravens in overtime, sending the embarrassing team home to scrutinizing fans and media.

This was, perhaps, their last chance for a win this season as they now face the 9-5 Seattle Seahawks in Seattle and the 9-5 Steelers in week 16. This now brings the Ravens' losing streak to eight games. This has prompted Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley (no relation to Satan O'Malley or Hitler O'Malley) to propose a losing tax - an excise tax to be paid to the state for each loss they suffer, regardless if the loss is in Maryland or abroad.

To make matters worse (or better depending on your point of view), Ravens quarterback Kyle Boller suffered a mild concussion on a big hit in the fourth quarter. They took him to the sidelines and were asking him questions to determine his mental awareness. The Ravens trainer asked Boller what his favorite candy bar is and Boller replied, "Almond Joy", so its obvious that the injury is more serious than they thought.

Furthermore, Ravens cheerleader Ray Lewis suffered what was thought to be a broken finger, but turned out to be a dislocated finger. When asked about the injury, Coach Brian Billick said that "Ray showed a lot of character and that he is poised to return, make some adjustments, and hopefully play to his full potential."

The worst part of the game was the comments from my 5 year-old son after the game. "Why does the black team lose all the time?" and "look at all the white players jumping on each other" (meaning the Dolphin players celebrating). It's a good thing he hasn't started watching Orioles baseball yet. He'd really hate Baltimore sports.

What Do You Read?

I'm constantly reading. I read the Baltimore Examiner everyday when I get home from work. I also read the local papers - The Eldersburg Eagle, The Advocate, The Gazette. We used to read The Sun, but you know how that is. They don't like anyone who's right of the far left - that includes the 99% of the people in the middle.

I am always reading a book. Right now I am reading P.J. O'Rourke's book - P.J. O'Rourke on A Wealth of Nations. He's a libertarian and he's really funny. Check out some of his other books. I mean, how can a book titled like this not be funny: All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty .

My next book will probably be 1984, at least that was the plan. I'll have the current book read by this weekend. But my 1984 book is 2nd in the queue at the library, so I may have to find another quick book to read. Perhaps something by Hemmingway or Steinbeck. They read fast.

Since I work in technology, I try to stay up on what's new in the IT world. Here are some of my favorite websites:

http://www.eweek.com/
http://www.informationweek.com/
http://www.pcworld.com/

And I'm a news junkie. I cannot live without these sites:

http://www.wbal.com/
http://www.wbaltv.com/
http://www.cnn.com/
http://www.washingtonpost.com/
http://www.washingtontimes.com/
http://www.news.google.com/ - and you can put in your favorite topics

And I have to check out the stories linked by Ron Smith everyday:

http://wbal.com/shows/smith/

For my political fix, I check out these regularly:

http://www.gazette.net/politics/ - read Blair Lee of the Montgomery Gazette. And for kicks, read Barry Roscovar. He's in Martin O'Malley's pocket and thinks our clown governor can do no wrong. It's definitely a good laugh.

Definitely check out Ben Stein. You know the guy from The Wonder Years and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He's actually really smart and really funny.

http://finance.yahoo.com/expert/archive/yourlife/ben-stein/1

And another favorite is Walter Williams. He hates the NAACP and doesn't seem to care too much for Jesse and Al. Only thing is, Mr. Williams is black, or African-American if you're politically correct.

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/walterewilliams/archive.shtml

A Funny Day in Baseball

Who says that the Mitchell Report implicating players of drug use is a black day in sports? Are you kidding?!!! It's freakin' hysterical! How can it not be funny seeing the faces of Bud Selig and Donald Fehr shocked to learn that Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds took drugs.

You have to be pretty F-in stupid to be surprised by this. Come on. Clemens in nearly 50 years old and throwing harder than he did when he was 26? Barry Bonds has hit more home runs in the past 6 years than in his first 9 years in the major leagues. Not only that, but he's mistaken for a life-size bobble-head all the time. How can a human's head grow 7 sizes from when you turn 37 years old?

And for Orioles fans - both of you, they were hit hard. Greg Zaun, Kent Merker, Miguel Tejada, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Kevin Brown, Todd Williams, Howie Clark, Jay Gibbons, Jason Grimsley, Gary Matthews, Jr., Larry Bigbie, Jack Cust, Tim Laker, Brian Roberts, David Segui, and Raphael Palmeiro. All were in the report. And for the most part, these guys sucked!!! Didn't see Brady Anderson's name on the list, but he hit 50 home runs in 1996 after averaging 7 per year for the previous years.

Sports writers, however, are crying foul. Jeff Pessan says, "Mitchell Report provides gossip, not solutions." Sean Deveney sobs, "Mitchell report is unfair, full of false hopes." Boo-hoo. Let these players rot in hell, I say.

What will come of this? I think the Bud Selig will issue the sternest pointed finger warning in the history of baseball. All of these men deserve a harsh time-out. Players will be forced to pay fines totalling hundreds of dollars. The no-name players may even face a game suspension.

He followed up the presentation of the report by saying that Major League Baseball has the toughest drug testing in all of sports. What the hell does that say? No one else is testing? Open message to Mr. Selig - You're a baffoon!!! Don't dish out the crap when we can see before our eyes that what you producing stinks!!! Selig needs to be fired. And until the players' union and the management of MLB actually crack down on this problem, they will continue to shrink into oblivion while the NFL soars to new and higher heights.

New Jersey Endorses Crime

New Jersey voters and lawmakers sent a bill to the governor ending the death penalty. They want to send a clear and stern message to terrorists, criminals, and domestic violence abusers - "it's okay to kill people in our state. We won't do anything to you!"

Especially thankful is Jesse Timmendequas, the lunatic that raped and murdered 7 year old Megan Kanka, whose rape and murder inspired "Megan's Law". Now other lunatics can live in comfort knowing that when they rape and murder 7 year old girls, they will get a warm prison cell and television and fried chicken for the rest of their life rather than live in fear of the day of their execution.

Expect the next version of the Sopranos to totally be located in New Jersey. Thug husbands will cross from Pennsylvania and Delaware to beat the crap out of their wives.

Other pansy states, like Maryland, also want to end the death penalty. In fact, Maryland wants to allow criminals in jail to vote. Mostly because criminals vote overwhelmingly Democratic. And if you execute a child predator who raped and murdered a 6 year old girl, then you won't get his vote.

Maryland Democrats have searched frantically for ways to increase votes. The court system cracked down on them during the Glendening administration when over 35% of the dead people in Baltimore City voted for Glendening. Now they are pulling for voting criminals and illegal aliens.

While You Were Out...

Who said I am not handy around the house? Well, besides all of those people...

The toilet in my bathroom on the first floor had been leaking, and apparently leaking for some time. The hardwood was discolored and I knew I had to do something about it.

Now, my neighbor, Mr. Michael, is an electrical engineer and builds everything himself. He finished his basement by himself. He partially completed an addition to the house. I think he even built his own car. So I asked if he could come over and "supervise" me. I didn't want him to do the work, but I'm certainly not the guy you want fixing it by myself.

So on Sunday afternoon he comes over and we start the demolition. I pull out the toilet. The wood underneath is wet. We chisel out the hardwood. Much of it is soft, like President Bush's stance in illegal immigration. There's also some mold.

Once we pull up the hardwood, we can see the sub-floor. This is the plywood that is the floor. There's some damage on that, too. This isn't good. I picture us taking a circular saw to the floor and removing a section of the floor, adding some cross-bracing from the basement to support the new wood, and starting from scratch.

However, Mr. Michael says that we don't need to do that. He gave me some homework for the evening. I have to chisel out the rotten part of the sub-floor, which I do. Later we add some Floor Leveler. I've never heard of this, but it's like cement that fills in the holes and uneven sections of the floor. I think it's really just cement. We smooth it out and wait a couple of days for it to dry.

Meanwhile, Mr. Michael's wife comes over and asks why the house smells like a sewer. Apparently you're supposed to block up the pipe that goes to the sewer when you're working in bathroom. I now smell like poop. Yum!!! At least I found a use for that pretty sky-blue t-shirt I got at the company picnic.

Yesterday, we start installing the floor. It actually goes really well. The floor boards go in nice and tight, the way the walrus likes his seals. We install the screws, apply the bees wax ring to the toilet, and install it back on top of the drain pipe. Unfortunately, I forgot to get new bolts to attach the tank to the toilet, so it is not yet operable.

However, as you can see from the pictures, my work looks pretty good. And Mr. Michael didn't even have to do it all. Yet he did sneak into the bathroom every time I went to the garage to get a tool and tried to take over the project. We forgive you, Mr. Michael!

And for fun, my son informed me that he wants to be a Chippendale dancer because he likes chipmunks (read as Chip & Dale). He also heard that ladies like chipmunks, so what better way to win their attention? I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. Attracting the ladies is fine. His method may be flawed.

Beat the Whitey!!!

Hi, welcome to Beat the Whitey!! I'm your host, Bob Ewebark. We have several contestants here today, so let's get started!

The strategy of the game is simple. All you have to do is beat a whitey. Now here's the trick. There are more points for different kinds of beatings.

First, if you beat a whitey on a Baltimore City street, you only get 5 points. However, if you put him in a coma, you get ten points.

The next way to get points is to beat a whitey on public transportation. If you beat up a white girl on an MTA bus, you get 25 points. If you beat up 2 white guys, you get 50 points!!!

Now, don't worry about getting in trouble! Baltimore City Mayor Sheila Dixon only gets outraged when the alleged crime is against African-Americans, such as the 2 incidents at the Baltimore City Fire Department this year, even though both crimes were proven to be constructed by African-Americans. Instead, Mayor Sheila Dixon will calmly sit on the sidelines and tell reporters that officials are looking into the matter.

And don't worry about the NAACP accusing you of committing hate crimes. They are only outraged when the crime is against African-Americans, such as the 2 incidents at the Baltimore City Fire Department this year, even though both crimes were proven to be constructed by African-Americans. NAACP president, Doc Cheetham will stand firmly silent against other racially-motivated hate crimes.

And finally, don't worry about the MTA getting you in trouble, like the last incident where a bus full of young kids beat the crap out of 2 guys, they will look the other way while simultaneously informing the press that, "we are investigating the matter".

As you can see, you are free to commit crime in Baltimore, especially against white people! Now go out there and get your points! First one to 100 points wins!!!

(This blog does not endorse the game show that has just been presented.)

Nancy Grasmick Gets Contract Extension

The Democrats have been flying high recently. With the nearly $2 BILLION tax increase that was shoved down our throats, they have been gallivanting around town strutting their stuff.

However, the condescending left is all up in arms today. After the State Board of Education announced that it has extended the contract of State Schools Superintendent Nancy Grasmick for another 4 years, State Senate President Mike Miller and House Speaker Mike Busch announced that there will be hell to pay.

Normally, boards are meant to be independent of the organization which they oversee. This independence helps balance the power that can be abused. Board members should feel free of threat and retribution to make tough decisions that are in the best interested of the people that they represent, not politically motivated.

It's no secret that Prince Martin O'Malley does not like Nancy Grasmick. She called him out when he was Emperor of Baltimore City and said his school system sucked ass. She demanded to take control of schools where only 17% of students were passing (though he claims that the numbers were closer to 100%).

In an effort to replace her, Mike Miller and Michael Busch sent a letter to the State Board of Education requesting that they delay the vote until Martin O'Malley can replace the board members with his own stooges in July. Mrs. Grasmick's contract was to expire in June. The board acting in true independence and deciding that it was best for Maryland extended her contract.

Now, Miller and Busch, both of whom have never denied that they wish Hugo Chavez could be the next governor of Maryland, said that they will propose to remove the independence of the board by allowing the board (read as 'governor') to remove the state school superintendent at will. Additionally, they stated that they may even sue the board for following its charter and not bowing to the Democratic Party Machine.

Let it be known that at the end of the O'Malley regime, there will be no independence. Those who go against the machine will be punished. You will have no rights. You will have no money. And this will be done in the name of progress!!!

It's All In the Numbers

My daughter started learning multiplication in her math class this year. Tonight, she had an assignment to come up with items that are arranged in numeric groups. For example, soda can come in packs of six, yogurt generally comes in packs of 4, there are 7 days in a week, etc. You get the idea.

I tried to help her with some ideas, but my wife objected to my contributions. Here they are:

0 - the number of public debates held by the Maryland General Assembly concerning Martin O'Malley's recent record-breaking tax increase.

1 - the number of political parties that actually have a say in the government in the state of Maryland

2 - the number of Republican governors in the state of Maryland over the past 40 years.

3 - the number of Baltimore City Public School students that can actually read

4 - the number of people that have confidence in Baltimore City School Superintendent Dr. Andres Alonso after he said that students in middle school are Constitutional people. (What the hell does that mean anyway???)

5 - the number of times the average Maryland resident wishes he could punch Martin O'Malley in the nose for being such a condescending, lying, snake in the grass.

6 - the percentage of the new sales tax that Martin O'Malley arrogantly somehow thinks only affects the rich people.

7 - the average number of days in a week that someone is shot in Baltimore City

8 - the number of months Martin O'Malley hoped that the State Board of Education would delay the vote for the State Schools Superintendent so that he could replace the board members with his own schlepps and he could then fire Nancy Grasmick. Instead, they voted to extend Nancy Grasmick's contract by another 4 years. He got so mad that he broke his looking glass on his desk.

9 - the number of middle school students that beat the crap out of a 26 year-old woman on a safe Baltimore City bus.

Maryland Bumper Sticker

To celebrate Maryland's newfound revenue sources, they are issuing this new bumper sticker. You can pick them up at the MVA.

Superbad is Superbad

We watched Superbad, compliments of Netflix, the other night. Let me tell you, the movie lives up to its name. If you like hearing the F-Bomb as every-other word, by all F-ing, means, go f-ing watch this f-ing movie. It's f-ing for you. There were some funny parts, but nothing that would make me say that this is a funny movie.

About 20 minutes into it, my wife said, "Let me know when this movie gets started. Yeah, it starts off really slow. So, all in all, Superbad is super bad. Don't waste your time.

In other movie critiques, I watched The African Queen with Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn last night. Not too bad. If you have ever seen any other Humphrey Bogart movies (Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon, Sabrina, Key Largo), then you would be impressed with his role as Charlie Allnut. He plays a not-too-intelligent small boat captain on a river in Africa during World War I. If you haven't seen the other movies, definitely see them. Casablanca is a classic. If you watched Bugs Bunny as a kid, it will all make sense.

MTA Crime

I often criticize the MTA for their lack of crime control on their system. It's not uncommon to have roaming gangs of hoodlums harassing the commuters.

In fact, several years ago, I was on the subway coming home from work. It was an especially crowded train - standing room only. I stood on the far end of the train with my tote bag on the ground at my feet. At one stop I hear a gang of 12-16 year old Baltimore City elementary school kids get on the train screaming and hollering and general rambunctiousness. They harassed the commuters and they pushed their way from one end of the car to the other, being totally obnoxious.

Finally, they get to me. An especially tall and intimidating 12 year old stands on my bag, gets within inches of my face and yells, points his finger at me and says, "I'm standing on your shit, bitch! Whatcha gonna do about it?!!" With my eyes nearly popping out of my head and my coworkers standing there speechless, I said that I would move the bag if he would like me to.

You see, most 12 years olds in Baltimore City are usually packing heat. You never know what they have - chrome 45's, Saturday Night Specials, whatever. And most will not flinch to cap you one. Cuz' whitie's got it coming!

Which brings us to today. Two people in their 20's were harassed and finally beaten on a Baltimore City MTA bus. The 9 middle school kids who were being real, were 6 boys and 3 girls between 14 and 15 years old. One of the victims suffered 2 broken bones. This is such a ringing endorsement to use public transportation!

We, as citizens, need to stand up and start kicking the donkeys of these middle school punks. I propose the following: when a Baltimore City child finished elementary school (assuming s/he's between the ages of 10 and 17), they will take a test. Pass the test, you go to middle school. Fail the test, you go to jail. You know they're just going to be criminals anyway. Lock them up early. This steadfast and hard approach to reducing crime will, no doubt, have an immediate and positive impact. What are your thoughts?

The White Death Is Upon Us

Yesterday, that state with gripped with absolute fear when strange cold white flakes starting falling from the sky. Stay-at-home mother's fraught with mental illness began speed-dialing their children's schools to find out if they were leaving early to come home to the safety of their coddling parents. Indeed, many schools got out 2 hours early. Much to the delight of the kids, all of this snow presented the opportunity to run home and play video games in the basement.

Meanwhile, the state was scrambling to develop an emergency plan. 20-ton dump trucks were loaded with salt and chemicals, while 1 ton plows were mounted to the front of the trucks. It wasn't long before a convoy of these behemoths were parading around the state scraping up over an inch of slush and dumping tons of the melting mixtures onto the roads.

Working moms panicked and left work early, hoping to avoid their annual spinning and sliding on the roads. However, it was not to be. Mercedes SUV's slid off of the road. Soccer mom's in their Dodge Caravan's slammed into cars at intersections while passing eco-friendly Civics that were able to traverse the inch of snow gawked at the accident scenes.

This morning will be no better. Now black death is upon us. Unsuspecting multitasking moms will be forced to travel at high speeds and spin off into trees and fences. Fortunately, they can blame black ice. This phenomena only came to being a few years ago. Before that time, there was no black ice. There was just ice. And it was shiny. Again, the state will spend millions and has dropped an additional 80 thousand tons of salt and chemicals on the roads with the hopes of making them safe.

In related news, the Chesapeake Bay Foundation this week gave the bay a grade of D. They claimed that there are too many chemicals in the water that are killing off plant and animal life. If this is not reversed, the bay will a flowing dead zone. The state said it will spend millions to investigate why there are all of these chemicals and salts in the water.

Mayor Sheila Dixon

If Sheila Dixon becoming the mayor of Baltimore is a sign of the times, it is also a sign that anything in life can be accomplished - even the perceived impossible. If Sheila Dixon can get elected mayor, my hopes of a naked encounter with Reese Witherspoon are still alive and very realistic.

Sheila Dixon was sworn in as the first female mayor of Baltimore on Tuesday. She was sworn in as the first elected female African-American mayor of Baltimore. (Clarence Du Burns was the first African-American mayor in Baltimore, but he was selected to replace Donald Shaeffer when he was elected Governor. Burns was subsequently overwhelmingly defeated by Kurt Schmoke in the next election, who some claim wasn't really black.)

In addition, Sheila Dixon was sworn in as the most uneloquent mayor in Baltimore's history. She was sworn in as the most dumbest person to ever hold the office. She was sworn in as the first woman who knows all about how Maryland won the 2002 NAACP Championship. She was sworn in as the first mayor who knows all about swinging at the ball above the rim.

Not to belittle her accomplishments, she should also be recognized as being sworn in with a heaping of ethics violations, more than most mayors could ever aspire. This includes the recent raid of her office and the Baltimore Development Corporation. She called the raid a witch hunt, but when asked the substance of the raid, she said it was none of our business. If you don't think that Mayor Dixon is a fraud and a crook, read these 33 articles compiled by The Sun.

When asked to comment about the investigations, a reporter claims that he overheard Dixon reply, "Deez investigatations will pwoove dat it's a witch hunt and I've done noffwing wong. Deez cwimes could have been pweven'ed. We will cowopoate fullwy and when it is over, we will get back to the budniss of tacklwing the tough issues of our city."

However, in her defense, she claims that she's the most misunderstood elected official in Baltimore. I would have to agree. I don't understand what the hell she's saying.

Finally, in a press release from her office, they announced that they expected former mayors D'Alesandro III, O'Malley, Schmoke, and Du Burns to attend the festivities. Du Burns, who died in 2003, actually called at the last minute to inform Mayor Dixon that he would not be able to attend. Her office had to re-released the press statement.

Baltimore Sun Loses Further Grip on Reality

I wasn't going to write anything about the death of Sean Taylor, the punk football star for the Washington Redskins who was shot and killed in his Miami home last week. I mean, for real - a sucka' gets popped every day of the week. This time the sucka' was more prominent than normal, but he was still a criminal, and it's usually not nice to speak bad of the dead.

So I'm not going to speak bad of the dead. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm not going to speak bad of Sean Taylor. I'm speaking about The Baltimore Sun, which in many people's opinion, is dead.

On December 2, slightly post-pubescent Rick Mease, a sports writer for The Sun, wrote his own article about Sean Taylor, as this was a mandatory assignment for all sports-writers for the week. Here are some quotes:

"To far too many, hearing phrases such as "black-on-black crime" is like an assignment of responsibility, a presumption that the epidemic is confined to a single race - and so the solution should be, too."

"We must stop fleeing Baltimore at 5 p.m. each workday and pretending life there ceases to exist when the sun goes down."

"In communities across the nation, we all have blood on our hands. Regardless of your race, your neighborhood or your bank account, we all must accept some culpability for allowing this culture of death to flourish."

So, in case you didn't know it - Sean Taylor's death is actually your fault. Because you go home to your family after work at 5pm, Sean Taylor is dead. Because you moved to the safety of the suburbs, it's your fault that Sean Taylor is dead. Because you are white, it's your fault that Sean Taylor is dead.

Is Rick Mease out of his freaking mind??? We moved out of Baltimore City in 1986 when my neighbor was murdered. My parents moved us to the suburbs where it was safe, where we could get a better education. A side effect of this move was we got a bigger house, a bigger yard, and we never got robbed again. In the last 3 years of our life in the city, my motorcycle was stolen, my bike was stolen, our car was vandalized in our driveway, and someone broke into our house while we were sleeping. Is this any way to live? Should we have stayed in the city for the greater good of society? F-society! We're getting out of here!!!

So Rick Mease, who exposed his bleeding liberal heart in a sports article is now the laughing stock of the entire nation. Check out the feedback page of his article. No one thinks he's sane.

Here are some of the comments:

• Hey Reality Check:Whattya say we meet in West Baltimore about 5:15 on Monday. We'll just hang out together and hold hands. Maybe it'll do some good. After all, we're all culpable.
• Beachbum,We'll light candles. That should end the violence.
• You remind me of the kid in college who states, "People who eat ice cream are more likely to receive a snake bite." Of course they are, snakes only prowl in the summer and most people eat ice cream when it's warm.
• Hey, Rick Maese:You are a POS.I am sure your PC crap pleases your SUN bosses.
• Hey, Rick Maese:You are a POS.P is for PILE, not just a piece!!!

And this is just the comments on page 37 of 37 pages of comments. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if Baltimore City would just arrest and convict 250,000 of the most violent criminals in the city, it would be a much safer place to live.

So, while the death of Sean Taylor is tragic and senseless, let's get a reality check. Crime is not the fault of the people fleeing from it.

Kumar Barve Arrested

The House Majority Leader of the Maryland House of Delegates, Kumar Barve, was arrested on Thursday for driving while intoxicated. The 49 year-old drunk from New York was arrested in Gaithersburg near midnight after police spotted his car driving over the center line.

Barve's press office released a statement that he has supported tougher laws against drunk driving. However, they did not mention that Barve intended to follow stricter drinking and driving laws.

Barve, who's no stranger to crime, recently voted in favor of raising the state sales tax by 20% and increasing the state income tax to the middle class, also once voted to allow illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition to Maryland colleges - all considered serious crimes by any free-thinking educated voter. He also voted against slots during the Ehrlich administration, but was more than happy to vote for them now that it was proposed by the liberal O'Malley administration. Additionally, Barve is a Montgomery County Democrat who has never denied being a communist.

Unfortunately for the people of Maryland, the people of Montgomery County will probably reelect this law-breaker and return him to office.

On a side note, I am currently reading P.J. O'Rourke on The Wealth of Nations. The Wealth of Nations, as I am sure you know, is the book by Adam Smith and considered the Bible of Economics. O'Rourke points out that according to Smith, progress required, "little else, but peace, easy taxes, and a tolerable administration of justice."

I got to thinking about this. Is there peace in Maryland? Probably not. Everybody hates each other. Democrats hate Republicans. Baltimorons hate Washingtonians. Blacks hate the white. Women hate men. Everybody hates Dundalk.

How about easy taxes? Hardly, unless, of course, you consider easy taxes as paying more and more of your money to the state so that Martin O'Malley can invest it in your future.

And justice? How many criminals does Baltimore City regularly convict? Not that many. Most are released back on the street and given another chance. We all know that this doesn't work. Once they are back on the street, they get their chrome 45's and pop the next homie that crosses their path. I always say that if Baltimore City would just arrest and convict the 250,000 most violent criminals in the city, it would be a much safer place to live!

So, when Adam Smith writes about progress, one would have to agree that Maryland is the antithesis of progress.

Presidential Candidate Quiz

Who do you support for President? Take this quiz and be surprised who most likely matches up with your views. Let me know who you got!

http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460

Interestingly, I gave me John McCain.

O'Malley and Bill Clinton Conversation

K-Mart Fire in Eldersburg

A fire was reported on Monday at the K-Mart in the Carrolltown Center in Eldersburg, Maryland in Carroll County. Fortunately, no one was injured. Unfortunately, the fire did not consume the entire mall and burn it to the ground.

Fire companies from Sykesville/Freedom, Gamber, Winfield, Liberty Road VFD in Baltimore County, and a company from Howard County arrived to put out the fire that caused $2000 in damage. Having 5 fire companies respond, however, cost tax-payers $20,000.

There was speculation that the fire was caused by Chinese-made toys tainted with phosphorous and lead which were placed too close to a light bulb. These reports have not yet been confirmed.

The mall, which is not frequented by anyone from Carroll County, is also anchored by Peebles, Dollar General Stores, Big Lots, and a Dungeons and Dragons-type store for nerds. Several times in the past year, state highway employees arrived to board up the mall thinking it was abandoned.

However, Dixon Harvey, the owner of Black Oak, a development company, has fought off pressure to improve the mall and hopes to turn Eldersburg into Carroll County's version of Randallstown. Houses surrounding the mall have decreased in value and have brought in undesirables who contribute to the noise and graffiti that blesses the mall.

Vice President O'Malley

Sports Update

Yesterday, Winthrop defeated the lowly East Carolina Pirates from the lowly Conference USA in men's basketball, 72.-57. It obviously wasn't much of a game.

In other news, the Maryland Terps, who at 5-2 have one of the worst records in the A.C.C., defeated Illinois in the ACC/Big Ten (11) Tournament. Thus far, the A.C.C. has won 2 of the 4 games, with North Carolina and Boston College winning the other games. Unfortunately, N.C. State got crushed by Michigan State and the hapless Hokies of Virginia Tech were defeated by the hapless Penn State Nitney Lions.

In hockey, the horrible Washington Capitals continue to lose. They have the worst record in the N.H.L. at 8-15-2. They were defeated by the Hartford Whalers last night, 2-1. The Whalers continue to play under the guise of the Carolina Hurricanes. It is unknown when this practical joke will end, but it has been going on for some time now.

Van Halen Coming to Baltimore

In what perhaps could be the greatest news Baltimore has received since over 300 criminals were murdered during the Schmoke administration, Van Halen has announced that they are adding nearly 30 stops to their reunion tour. For the first time in years, Baltimore will feature a major music artist, let alone the greatest rock and roll band in the history of the world.

Though tickets are not yet on sale, Van Halen has a date of March 9th to appear at the 1st Mariner Arena, (aka Baltimore Arena, or the Civic Center).

Green Light Bulbs

Go Green! Everyone is going green. We're going green on so much that sometimes we don't stop to think about what we're doing or to consider the fact that there may be unintended consequences of our good intentions.

Take compact fluorescent bulbs (CFL's). They are advertised as using 75% less energy and last 8-10 times longer than normal incandescent light bulbs. San Francisco, in their infinite wisdom, is seeking to ban incandescent light bulbs (in addition to plastic bags).

The problem that people fail to realize with CFL's lies right on the label of the box. "Lamp Contains Mercury" or for the people in Montgomery County, "La Lampara Contiene Mercurio". "Manage in Accord with Disposal Laws". Disposal laws? You mean you can't just throw these things away when they die? You got it.

Another thing I noticed the last time I went to Home Depot is that they no longer carry GE light bulbs. Instead, most of their light bulbs are made in China. This is reassuring because everyone knows that China is the global leader in product safety. None of their toys are tainted with lead, mercury, cadmium, and the blood of political dissidents, except for the products that they sell in stores, like Wal-Mart. (And isn't it amazing that Wal-Mart is able to carry any toys considering EVERYTHING sold in Wal-Mart is made in China?!!!)

If you have to properly dispose of these bulbs, how does that indicate that they are perfectly safe? If they were perfectly safe, you'd just drop them in your trash can. What possibly could be the problem with these bulbs?

According to http://www.lamprecycle.org/, there has been no significant adverse affect of ingestion, inhalation, skin or eye contact from broken bulbs. No "significant adverse affects"? I think I heard the same thing coming from the Russian government in the wake of the Chernobyl nuclear plant explosion. "There is no news to report today....especially in Chernobyl."

Signs of mercury poisoning, not that it's possible after being exposed to these safe bulbs, are profuse sweating, increased heart rate, hypersalivation, hypertension, loss of teeth, hair, and nails, transient rashes, muscle weakness, kidney dysfunction, emotional lability, memory impairment, and insomnia. Fortunately, these symptoms seem mild.

On the Environmental Protection Agency's webpage, they provide some helpful tips for handling damaged light bulbs:

Fluorescent light bulbs contain a very small amount of mercury sealed within the glass tubing. EPA recommends the following clean-up and disposal guidelines:
1. Open a window and leave the room for 15 minutes or more.
2. Carefully scoop up the fragments and powder with stiff paper or cardboard and place them in a sealed plastic bag.
· Use disposable rubber gloves, if available (i.e., do not use bare hands). Wipe the area clean with damp paper towels or disposable wet wipes and place them in the plastic bag.
· Do not use a vacuum or broom to clean up the broken bulb on hard surfaces.
3. Place all cleanup materials in a second sealed plastic bag.
· Place the first bag in a second sealed plastic bag and put it in the outdoor trash container or in another outdoor protected area for the next normal trash disposal.Note: Some states prohibit such trash disposal and require that broken and unbroken lamps be taken to a local recycling center.
· Wash your hands after disposing of the bag.
4. If a fluorescent bulb breaks on a rug or carpet:
· First, remove all materials you can without using a vacuum cleaner, following the steps above. Sticky tape (such as duct tape) can be used to pick up small pieces and powder.
· If vacuuming is needed after all visible materials are removed, vacuum the area where the bulb was broken, remove the vacuum bag (or empty and wipe the canister) and put the bag or vacuum debris in two sealed plastic bags in the outdoor trash or protected outdoor location for normal disposal.

Wow. Based on this list of frightening intrusive and demanding instructions, I agree with Al Gore that these things are perfectly safe. I bet he tells all of his servants not to worry about cleaning up these broken bulbs.

So where do you dispose of your used compact fluorescent bulbs? You're lucky. There is a facility in Maryland. Though there is only one. It is located at:

Environmental Preservation Associates

dba USA Lights

3408 52nd Avenue

Hyattsville, MD 20781301-699-6244

Please drive to this facility near Washington, D.C. in your SUV and spend $30 in gas to get there. It is located in the dangerous ghetto neighborhood of Hyattsville. Properly dispose of your used bulbs. It's the environmentally friendly thing to do!!! Yeah!!!

Your Money is THEIR Money

Christmas is approaching and what a joyous time it is. It's when families gather to exchange gift cards, because as a society we've become too damn lazy to make those educated purchases. Though it makes a parent proud to hear their children talking, "which gift cards did you get? I got..."

However, don't forget about those old gift cards and gift certificates. Hurry up and spend them. Otherwise, State Comptroller Peter Franchot will come 'a knockin'. You see, in the Special Session, some sneaky Democrats slipped in House Bill 30. What is House Bill 30 you ask?

It reads as follows:

Establishing the Maryland Education Fund; providing that after a specified date, the balance remaining on a gift certificate shall be presumed abandoned; requiring a person that sells or issues a gift certificate in the State to remit to the Comptroller the remaining balance on gift certificates on or before a specified date each year; etc.

For those of you that attended Baltimore City public schools and don't understand this bill, it means that the if you do not spend you gift certificate after 4 years, the State of Maryland will confiscate the balance for their own use. It is no longer your property. It is no longer the property of the company that issued the gift certificate. It is the property of the State.

Have you ever read 1984 by George Orwell? You might want to do so. The State of Maryland is watching you.

Who submitted this bill? You can pretty much bet that if you live in Montgomery County, Prince George's County, or Baltimore City, you delegate voted to confiscate your personal property.

Here are the sponsors of the bill. Do you know your delegate?
Delegate Joseline A. Pena-Melnyk, District 21 - Prince George's County - Laurel
Delegate Ben Barnes, District 21 - Prince George's County - Laurel
Delegate Aisha N. Braveboy, District 25 - Prince George's County -
Delegate Rudolph C. Cane, District 37A - Dorchester / Wicomico County
Delegate Frank M. Conaway, Jr., District 40 - Central Baltimore City
Delegate Barbara Frush, District 21 - Prince George's County
Delegate Tawanna P. Gaines, District 22 - Prince George's County
Delegate Cheryl D. Glenn, District 45 - east Baltimore City
Delegate Peter A. Hammen, District 46 - South and southeast Baltimore City
Delegate Marvin E. Holmes, Jr., District 23B - Prince George's County
Delegate Tom Hucker, District 20 - Montgomerty County
Delegate Jolene Ivey, District 47 - Prince George's County
Delegate Anne R. Kaiser, District 14 - Montgomery County
Delegate Susan C. Lee, District 16 - Montgomery County
Delegate Gerron S. Levi, District 23A - Prince George's County
Delegate Maggie McIntosh, District 43 - north central Baltimore City
Delegate Dan K. Morhaim, District 11 - western Baltimore County - (Owings Mills, Pikesville, Reisterstown)
Delegate Peter Murphy, District 28 - Charles County
Delegate Nathaniel T. Oaks, District 41 - northwest Baltimore City
Delegate Craig L. Rice, District 15 - Montgomery County
Delegate Barbara Robinson, District 40 - central Baltimore City
Delegate Justin D. Ross, District 22 - Prince George's County
Delegate Melvin L. Stukes, District 44 - west Baltimore City
Delegate Veronica Turner, District 26 - Prince George's County
Delegate Michael L. Vaughn, District 24 - Prince George's County
Delegate Jay Walker, District 26 - Prince George's County