My Funny Brother

I'm 35. I'm the thinnest person in my immediate family, which is amazing considering that I'm fairly stocky. I weigh 166 and I am just shy of 5'5" tall.

My brother is 34 and my sister will be 33 this month. No, my mother was not a crack whore and all three siblings have the same last name. But at one point, she had 3 kids in diapers. What in the world was she thinking?

Anyway, my brother is 5'2" and weighs (says he weighs) 210 pounds. He used to have a HUGE red beard and looked like Gimli from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He shaved it off recently. He hasn't had any form of health or dental insurance in 18 years and it shows. He has about 2/3 of his teeth and the ones that he still has are mostly yellow or grey. Or black. And crusty. It's amazing that he doesn't have 6 girlfriends.

So I called him yesterday to remind him that the credit card for his Netflix account expires at the end of the month. I handle all of his Internet activity to help keep him in line. I asked what he was doing for the 4th of July. He informed me that he is going to a nudist beach in New Jersey. You're doing what? You know, just to kind of check it out. You're going to ogle at naked women, aren't you? No, I think it's a great way to be free of the hassles of clothes and just be yourself. You're going to ogle at naked women aren't you? No. Yes you are, I've know you. You're going to ogle at naked women.

So then he informed me that for his preparation he bought a nice new bathing suit and a Speedo. He'll wear the Speedo under the bathing suit so that he can undress in layers until he's comfortable. Yeah, he's that guy. I told him that if he popped a boner he needed to leave. Oh, boy. And we're related? Impossible.