2008 Election, In 2007

Troop Surge

There is much talk of a troop surge in Iraq. Senator John Kerry, aka "Flip Flop Doc Can We Rock", Delaware Senator Joseph Biden, (what-u hidin'?) and Senator Harry Reid, (who repeatedly denies that he is not related to Ross Perot), have been suggesting for several years that the only thing that can save Iraq is more troops. According to the Washington Times, Kerry said so in an interview with Tim Russert Potato in 2004. Harry Reid called for the surge a little over a month ago. Delaware Senator Biden has been making the request for years. And on a different note, despite the supporting logic that Biden has continuously submitted legislation that is destroying the state of Delaware, the rumors that George Thorogood kicked Biden out of the Delaware Destroyers is unfounded.

So why the flip-flopping from our perennial flip-floppers? Because when Bush argued against troop surges, political logic for the Democrats stated that they had to argue against his thinking. Now that Bush supports the troop surge, those Senators' adamant arguments are null and void. Now they are vehemently against the troop surge. Not only is their contrasting opinion required in Congress, but they have rejected the idea as not in the national interest of their reelection campaign. And we all know that getting reelected has higher moral ground over protecting a country from terrorists while it is rebuilding its government.

Joe Biden, What-u hidin'?

January's winner of the "What the Hell Was He Thinking Award" goes to former and current Presidential candidate Joseph Biden. Recently when asked about Barack Obama, Biden commented, "he is the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.

That's quite an eyebrow-raising statement. Let's analyze this. He's the first mainstream African-American who is articulate? Is to infer that other historical prominent black people like Thurgood Marshall, J.C. Watts, Michael Steele, Walter Williams, Bill Cosby and M.C. Hammer are not articulate? Why is the NAACP not jumping all over this?

Second, he says that he is bright, tying in with the "first". He's the first bright African-American? See previous list.

Clean? Yeah, okay. Most mainstream African-Americans do not bathe. Come on now! What a ridiculous thing to include in that statement. I like Joe Biden because he gets haircuts and brushes his teeth. He's the first mainstream person from Delaware to do that!

Finally, Biden says that Obama is a nice-looking guy. Sure. Most politicians from Delaware have their homosexual tendencies, especially ones that have plagerized speechess during their previous Presidential campaigns. And relating to that topic, how can someone who previously ran for president, but withdrew because it was revealed that he plagerized a speech from Neil Kinnock, a member of the British Labour Party, run for president again? He obviously thinks were are more stupider than him be is.

Now, let's talk realistically about what he said. No one points out these generalization traits when speaking of others (articulate, clean...) unless it is your (the speaker's) opinion that the others from the same group lack these traits. For example, if I said I liked a Baltimore City graduate because this graduate can read at a 12th grade level, I would be indirectly generalizing that most city school students cannot read at a 12th grade level, which is true - over 80% of Baltimore City School students who start 9th grade drop out. And they're not dropping out because they're so smart that they're entering college early. Therefore, it is of the opinion of many political experts and smart people (they are 2 distinct groups of people) Joseph Biden has indirectly indicated that he is a racist.

Dook Sucks

Duke University is one of the premier colleges when it comes to basketball. They are constantly a ranked team and have been to the Final Four many times. When it comes to recruiting and attrition, most schools go through the phases of building and rebuilding as good players come and go. To quote Duke Vitale, Duke doesn't rebuild - they reload.

Now being the greatest has not come without a price - to other teams that is. Take Duke's game against Clemson University earlier this year. With 1.8 seconds left after a Clemson layup that tied the game, it appeared that the game was going into overtime. However, Mike Krzyzewski argued that only 0.4 seconds had elapsed during the last play. The ACC officials agreed and gave Duke 4.4 seconds, which was enough time for them to do a full-court play and win the game.

Now to the Virginia game a week later. With time winding down and the game close, the camera pans the crowd. A girl is holding up a sign that reads, "SportsCenter is next, unless Duke needs more time." Classic!

Speed Cameras

Washington D.C. has installed dozens of speed cameras. Their government officials state that they have been installed in the name of safety. They are there to help save the children. However, they happily pointed out that the cameras have helped generate $31 million. These cameras have proven to be so profitable, I mean, increase safety so much, that they plan to install dozens more. Their profits, sorry, did it again, safety, has proven to be so good that many other cities will be following suit.

Mitt Romney
The election is only a year and a half away, so the candidates need to hurry up and line up so that they can begin the rhetoric battles against each other. Osama Obama and Hillbilly Hillary are already in the lead in Camp Hate, much to the chagrin of John Edwards and Joseph Biden.

The Republicans, on the other hand, are slightly in disarray. McCain and Guilliani have been mentioned as favorites, but many believe that these centrists, though electable in a general election, would not make it out of the primaries, which are dominated by the Christian right.

Out of Massachusetts, little known Republican Governor Mitt Romney is starting to turn heads. Now that you've fallen out of a chair, yes, the People's Socialist Utopia of Massachusetts has a Republican governor. What not many people realize, since most people have no idea who he is, is that Romney is a Mormon. Why does that matter, you ask? Because everyone knows that if Romney is elected President, he will be taking orders from Utah. Look in your history books. Kennedy, the only Catholic ever elected President, took orders from the Pope in Rome. And if Obama is elected, he'll be taking orders from Mecca. And if Hillary Clinton is elected, she'll be taking orders from Mesostopheles.