Monday, January 22, 2007

O'Malley Reorganizes the Imperial Senate

O'Malley on Emissions

O'Malley is beginning to make changes. We've always known that Marty is fascinated with Hollywood. While Ehrlich battled with the brain-challenged Maryland legislature, O'Malley gallivanted down Rodeo Drive soliciting donations for his beauty pageant, I mean election. This week, he pushed his plan to make Maryland more like California (Ca-lee-full-nee-ah if you're Governor Arnold) by submitting his agenda to pass car emissions similar to the California emissions standards, you know - the ones that Rob Roddy always mentioned when someone could win a new car on the Price is Right. "Comes complete with automatic transmission and California emissions."

On Education

Darth Martin also will request a freeze on tuition at the University of Maryland. That leaves the open question as to whether Gary William's salary will stay at $2 million or whether it can still go to $3 million next year. Moreover, this almost certainly means that the school budget will go into deficit next year and courses will need to be cancelled and teachers fired. Emperor Martin will spin this by saying that he is helping to streamline the bloated system developed by greedy corporate interests.

Task Forces

Fearless O'Malley has also created several task forces to help him make decisions, because as an honest politician, he admits that he doesn't know crap. The first task force will study how the state buys vaccines. A Republican stated that he could ask Peter Franchot since he is now the Comptroller, sits down the hall, and he signs the checks that pay the bills. However, fearing that the dark side of the force is strong with young Petie, it would be best to do this with a newly formed committee, which, coincidentally, will help create jobs for hard working Marylanders. The new task force will be called the Vaccination Troopers, clones created on Kamino.

More Education

Always eager to help city children, 5,000 Baltimore City school students had their dream come true when they were kicked out of school on Monday for not meeting the state's vaccination requirements. This brought the number of students actually in school to negative 352. Martin O'Malley stated that had his task force of cloned troopers been in place earlier to study the issue, this crises could have been averted. He suspects that the previous governor, Bob Ehrlich deceptively left this situation hidden so that it would rear its ugly head right as O'Malley's new administration was starting. Reached on a golf course in Florida, Ehrlich stated that all evil liars eventually get what they have coming to them.

And Football

The Chicago Bears made it to the Super Bowl for the first time in 20 plus years. This was the catalyst for the expert ESPN analysts to again call for the benching of Rex Grossman because the Bears will not get any further because Grossman is too inconsistent, too prone to errors, and not a competent player. The Bears' abysmal 15-3 record is evidence that something must be done and must be done fast.

On the other side of the league, the Colts formerly known as the Baltimore Colts put a spanking on the New England Patriots. When asked why the Patriots stopped playing in the second half, quarterback Tom Brady commented that, "I have too many damn Super Bowl rings. They are really starting to weigh my hand down." Also providing comment, deceased owner Bob Irsay commented that he will never move the Colts out of Indianapolis, especially in the middle of the night. Unless of course Oklahoma City was willing to give them a domed stadium and money.

Oh, yeah, and Hockey

For uneducated sports fans from Baltimore, you can stop reading now. For the rest of you, the NHL All-Star game is on Wednesday. The games was going to be played on ESPN8, the ocho, the obscure sports channel. However, they will preempt the game with 5 guys sitting around a table playing Texas hold'em. Like anybody freakin' cares. It's now going to be on Versus. What's that???

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