Random Quips

On Harry

Harry Reid was given honorary status as a French citizen this week after stating that the United States has lost the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and that we should retreat and accept defeat. An anonymous French spokesman said, "As a former member of the French military, we can fully relate to the wimpy opinions of Mr. Reid and his spineless cohorts." In related news, Reid has been diagnosed with an acute case of highly evolved diarrhea of the mouth. Losing the next election is his only hope for recovery.

Who Should Be Fired?
Was anyone else excited when they heard pundits demanding the resignation of Paul Wolfowitz, only to realize that you thought they were talking about Wolf Blitzer?

No Need To Vote
As I've mentioned before, Martin the prairie dog O'Malley (only sticks his head up when it's safe) signed the bill changing the voting method for presidential elections in Maryland. Maryland will no longer count the votes in the state and instead will cast its votes for the national winner of the popular vote. If not a single person in the state of Maryland casts a vote for Pat Buchanan in the next election, but he wins the popular vote, then the history books will show that Maryland voted for Buchanan.

The other side of this is that this law doesn't go into effect until a certain amount of states pass similar laws, totally nullifying the electoral college. This is sort of like me saying that I'm going to marry some hot 24 year-old blond when I'm 45, bald and gray, provided that all of my friends do the same.

My Second Grader is Older Than Your Second Grader
So what's the deal with everyone holding their kids back in school these days? There are kids in my daughter's second grade class that are nine. One of them is a boy who is about 5 feet 4 inches tall and he's in the highest reading group. His parents must be so proud. I wonder how smart he'd be if he was in the correct grade.

And as far as the sports recreation councils are concerned, they need to stop grouping kids by their grade and start grouping them by age again. Nothing irks me more than having parents brag about how great their kid is at soccer. Sure, that 5 ft 4", 9-year-old really stuck it to those 7-year-olds. He'll be driving to school when he's in the 8th grade and be of legal drinking age when he's a freshman in college. On the other hand, by the time he graduates from college, his real peers will have been in the workforce for several years. He'll be an entry-level data entry person at age 24. That's awesome!

On Weddings
Nothing says that "I'm drunk, loose, and ready to mate" more than a girl at a wedding, wearing a dress that's too short and too tight for her physique, walking onto the dance floor with her drink in one hand, throwing her fist in the air like John Carlos, and yelling, "Whoooo-yeahhhhh!!" For the sober couples who will return home to their children, this is very amusing. For the hormone-raging 30-year-old guys that still think Budweiser is as good as it gets, this is the territorial cry that they're looking for.