Sunday, February 02, 2014

January 2014 - A Month in Review


January seemed to start off on a sad note with the death of Uncle Phil.  Everyone remembers him as Will Smith's uncle on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  It was one of our favorite TV themes of the time.  In case your forgot it:

Now, this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

Baltimore crime picked up where it left off 2013.  On the first day of the year the city recorded 2 murders.  A father and son no less.  At its current pace, the city should expect 730 murders in 2014, which I believe is still less than the number of murders during the Schmoke and Martin O'Malley administrations.

Another death in January was the incandescent light bulb.  Starting in 2014, it is now illegal to sell them.  In 2015, it will be illegal to possess them.  Criminal possession of these light-bearers will subject the owner to life imprisonment, which is harsher than manslaughter, but the crime of incandescent light bulb ownership is obviously much worse.

Florida State won the last (and first) BCS Championship in January beating the Auburn Tigers of Alabama and the SEC.  It was the first time a team from the SEC hasn't won the championship since 2005.  The Southeast Conference immediately protested the game.  Florida State decided to be proactive and reconcile with the SEC by misprinting the results of the game on their championship t-shirts.  Next year, Division 1 will go to a playoff format where the Yankees and New England Patriots have already clinched playoff spots.

The year's first "Stop the Presses" moment came in January when TLC sensation Honey Boo-Boo was in a car accident.  Other than being sore and morbidly obese, she said that Mama June, Sugar Bear, and Pumpkin are okay.  Interviewed after the accident, the police and press had no idea what they said.  TLC expects to show subtitles for the audience so that they can understand the conversation, which may include references to the Manper and the secret sketty recipe.

The Baltimore City Police Department lost Bishop Robinson, the namesake of their new office building downtown.  Bishop Robinson was the first African-American police commissioner in the city when he was appointed in 1984 by then Mayor William Donald Schaefer.  The city was then and still is controlled by Democrats and unions.  This is the same political party and same union that prohibited African-American officers from patrolling predominantly white neighborhoods and they also prohibited them from driving police vehicles anywhere.  My that sounds racist, doesn't it?

Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon (pronounced Sha-ROAN) passed away in January after being in a coma for 8 years.  Some pundits would argue that his policies were comatose for decades.  Mr. Sharon's weight was the joke of many, purported to be be 250 pounds on a 5'7" frame.  His nickname was 'The Bulldozer', though not for the amount of food he could shove in his mouth, but the machine that he used to remove Palestinian settlers off of land.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was formerly suspended from baseball for the 2014 season.  It is estimated that the Yankees would save $8 billion this season with his suspension allowing them to buy all of the best players in baseball, a model they have been following for nearly 100 years.

Russell Johnson, the actor who portrayed Dr. Roy Hinkley passed away. Don't know Dr. Roy Hinkley?  You probably remember him as The Professor from Gilligan's Island.  He was 89.

First Lady Michelle Obama turned 50 years old on the 17th.  Mrs. Obama is often criticized for lacking the elegance and gracefulness of a First Lady.  Purportedly when asked about it, she told the reporter to 'shut the F**K up and mind his own G** D***** business'.

The Oscar nominations were released in January.  The nominees are de la Hoya, The Grouch, Wilde, de la Renta, and Robertson.
The Seattle Seahawks will be facing the Denver Broncos in the Super Bowl in February after both teams won their respective conference championships.  This will be the first Super Bowl match-up between the two former division rivals.  Fortunately for the media, the wins were overshadowed by Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman who went all gangsta in an interview with dancing naked girl Erin Andrews.  Sherman claimed he was the best corner in the league, then said calling him a thug was the same thing as calling him the N-word.  Yeah, okay.  Richard Sherman - fine upstanding role model of today's youth.

The New York Yankees made the news again when they signed Japanese pitcher phenom Tanaka to a $155 million contract.  Tanaka, the former police detective on Magnum, P.I., is 24 years old and was 24-0 last year.  The Yankees payroll now exceeds the GDP of the state of Delaware.

Pre-teen pop idol Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami for DUI and drag racing.  We haven't been able to confirm if he was racing cars or transvestites.  Bieber's new song "I'm a Big Immature Douch Bag" will be released later this year.

The South was crippled by a giant snow and ice storm during the last week of January.  Up to 2 inches of flurries left motorists stranded on the Interstates for days and left grocery stores empty.  The Mayor of Atlanta said the city was taken by surprise by the storm, despite that the globally recognized Weather Channel resides in.....Atlanta.  Residents feared walking in the strange white precipitation, unaware of any potential consequences.  Southerners took to Facebook to defend themselves saying that they don't get snow that often, sort of like how the North doesn't get BCS Championships.  Northerners quickly gave the rebuttal that we don't need BCS Championships as we have Super Bowls.

Left-wing socialist Texas Congressman Henry Waxman announced his upcoming retirement.  After 400 years in Congress, he said he has had enough of right-wing extremism.  He seems to imply that he endorses left-wing extremism, both of which, when coupled together, bring our government to a screeching halt.

Cable new channel MSNBC reaffirmed that it is a left-wing media terrorist organization when they posted this Tweet stating that conservatives are racists:

MSNBC later apologized for being a left-wing media terrorist organization, but made no mention of changing their dogma.

Corrupt Foreign Politics for $4,000, Alex.  She was convicted of the same crime twice in Italy.  Who is Amanda Knox?  Correct! Italy reconvicted Amanda Knox for murder.  Apparently Italy is all about double Jeopardy.  Too bad the Italian economy is more about the Wheel of Misfortune.

Baltimore finished January with 26 homicides in January.  Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley is mum on the crime rate in the largest city in the state he governs.  Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake is fighting the crime with harsh words.  I recommend that she start using harsher words.

Finally, the national news media, when not occupied with breaking news about Justin Bieber, spent the entire month doing its best to chip away at New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's Presidential run.  The media perpetuated the use of "gate" after every scandal, this one involving the closing of the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan as possibly a politically motivated event.  The media is rightly doing its best to bring down the candidate most closely associated with the center of the political spectrum, where 80% of the voting public actually resides.  It's kind of funny how much attention Christie is getting for closing a bridge.  Will this ruin his presidential aspirations?  This is clearly worse than when another presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, ignored pleas from the Libyan ambassador that they were under attack and needed help, dismissing the event as a protest against a Youtube video.  Ambassador Stevens was murdered and dragged through the streets of the city.


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