Sniffy the Dishwasher Saleswoman

Our house will turn 11 years old this year and it is starting to show signs of its age. We put a contract on the house in 1998 and in January of 1999 they started building. We didn't know much about building a house at the time (we were only 26 years old), so we made some decisions that in retrospect were not the best.

For example, thinking we were absolutely strapped and would never get another pay increase in our entire life, we did not bump out the back wall. Now the back wall is creeping inward. It would have been nice to have that extra 2-4 feet.

Another decision we made was to go with builder-grade appliances. I guess that wasn't too bad. Our stove is still fine. However, our dishwasher sucks. And by sucks I mean it is sucking money out of our wallet.

With a control dial and no delayed time option, we are at the mercy of its incapabilities when we want to run the dishwasher in the middle of the night during lower electricity rate times. Additionally, the flap on the inside that opens and dumps the soap at a certain time rarely works anymore. We usually open the dishwasher to find 2 racks of steam-cleaned dishes and a soap dish full of soap.

Last week we had had enough. I went to Harpers in Eldersburg to check out what they have as I'd rather buy from the small retailer first. Their selection was limited as expected and their prices a bit high. We also checked out Home Depot, and while the gentleman was nice, he was not very helpful. When a customer asks you a question the expected answer is not "I think so" or "maybe". I guess this is what happens when a big box retailer jams as much Chinese-made stuff into a store and pays slightly educated people very low wages to sell their wares.

We decided to check out Sears in Westminster in the spacious and glamorous Westminster Mall (or whatever they call it). We reconnoitered to the appliances and were immediately accosted by a heroin\cocaine addict screaming irrational demands at us like, "you NEED this dishwasher!" without even hearing what our requirements were.

Cloaked in black on black on black with loose fitting black snow boots, the 50 year old sniffing and stoned Goth girl showed us some different models and finally led us to an LG model that for some reason unlike the other dishwashers offered free delivery, installation, and removal. Well, not entirely free - we paid $169, but were given a slip for an immediate refund.

Entirely uncomfortable in her element, Sniffy filled our ears with that uncomfortable laugh that you often hear by the crack whores when they get caught on COPS and try to pretend that they were just waiting for a friend to pick them up. And she talked fast. Without taking a single breath she exhaled the following: "This is totally the dishwasher you need because you have wonderful kids and there's no tax on the installation and Sears is the number one dishwasher retailer in the country and Mexico. Is it Friday? Oh, my, this is such a great deal you will be so happy if you buy this because I would be happy. Is it Friday? Did I mention there's no tax when you purchase this dishwasher? That's tax on the installation, hee-hee. Is it Friday?"

One of our primary requirements is that the dishwasher be ultra-quiet. Our current dishwasher sounds like someone jammed a hair dryer, a lawnmower, and a vacuum cleaner into the unit. Kitchen conversation is unachievable during the wash cycle.

We asked Sniffy what the decibel rating was on the new LG unit. I read that we should require around 47 decibels. She said, "Oh, it's low. It's the quality sound package. It's definitely low. You'll love it. Sears is the number one sound package distributor of sound quality dishwashers in the country and Mexico. Is it Friday?" My wife finally told her, "We're not buying this dishwasher unless you can tell us the decibel rating. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." After a 5 minute search and a few lines of blow she returned with her pants zipper half-way down and with her pink glossy eyes proudly claimed that she found it and it was low.

We finally decided to purchase the unit and the one hour process of paying for it was initiated. We saved an additional 5% by opening a Sears charge and there was no interest or payments for 1 year. That sounds good to me! However, the 'computer is acting up' speech then ensued. It took her 4 times to ring it up and she was extremely flustered. The obnoxious uncomfortable "tee-hees" followed. My ten year old daughter then began to laugh behind her back, while the other 2 kids rolled on the floor in extreme boredom next to the dust-caked sewing machines. She finally called the kid from the electronics section to come help her - you know, the kid with the hair so long it was over his eyes, so I'm not sure how he could see if he was helping her or not.

Finally the pain ended as the transaction was completed, we all quickly departed and we raced to the car. We grabbed some ice cream at Hoffman's and headed home. The new dishwasher will be here on Wednesday, but the hysterical memories of Sniffy will last forever.