2009 - A Year In Review

This is way late, but like Martin O'Malley, I think we should just keep moving forward.

January

Chesley Sullenburger successfully lands a Charlotte-bound United Airlines Airbus A320 in the Hudson River after a double bird-strike over New York City. No passengers were injured and Sully is hailed as a hero. No word from United Airlines if the Hudson River will be a permanent layover stop for North Carolina-bound flights.

Americans saw the 43rd different man who was raised by a white woman to be sworn in as President of the United States. Obama quickly stated, "remember all those promises I made? Psych!!!"

Blogger Eludius goes under the knife to repair a hernia. He is forced to stay home from work for nearly 2 weeks, sleep, and watch dozens of movies. Eludius then spends the rest of the year trying to get additional hernias.

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon is indicted on 12 counts including perjury, theft, and misconduct. She ducks the critics and gives the O'Malley-esque ambiguous rhetoric that she needs to keep the city moving forward. Meanwhile, hundreds of poor children go without the toys as Mayor Dixon buys thousands of dollars worth of bling for herself.

Nadya Suleman, an only-child better known as the Octomom, gives birth to 316 babies at one time. She already has 75 children and hopes to have more. Her goal is to house an entire elementary school in her vagina.

February

The hated Pittsburgh Steelers won the 43rd Super Bowl defeating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23. Fortunately for viewers, half-time performer Bruce Springsteen did not have any wardrobe malfunctions.

Former Congressman Tom Daschle withdrawals his name for Secretary of Health and Human Services after it is revealed that he doesn't like to pay taxes. However, Timothy Geithner, who also didn't pay his taxes, is nominated and confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury, the cabinet position that is in charge of money, without question.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez admits to using performance enhancing steroids, but Major League Baseball declines to punish him because of his continued collapse in the playoffs.

President Obama announces that he is setting a date to end the war in Iraq. By 2752 all American soldiers will be out of the country.

March

President Obama quickly follows up his target date to end the war in Iraq by declaring a surge in the war in Afghanistan. Throngs of cheering liberals suddenly fall silent.

Later in the month President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declare the U.S. will spend $40 million to ensure that the elections in Afghanistan are free, safe, just, and that our guy gets elected.

April

World leaders at the G20 conference rally and commit to spending $1.1 trillion to fix the financial crisis. AIG gets most of that and promptly uses the money to pay their top executives million dollar bonuses.

North Korean President Kim Jong-Il is elected to his 5th term as President by the North Korean Parliament. Kim claimed that the entire North Korean army being inside Parliament at the time of the election in no way influenced the voting.

Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich is indicted on 16 felony counts of corruption for selling Obama's U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. Blogojevich is forced out of office and into a career in reality television shows, but the winning bidder, Roland Burris, is allowed to stay in office.

The University of North Carolina wins the men's NCAA Basketball Championship. I have nothing funny to say about it, other than my wife is making me put this on the list as she is a 1994 Tar Heel graduate.

The United States declares a public health emergency over the swine flu. Though some people die, millions of others get a mild flu-like symptoms that include temperatures and a sore throat, so they stay home from school or work and are forced to watch Drew Carey destroy what was The Price is Right.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announces his retirement after he fell off of the left-side of the bench. You may recall that the Socialist-sympathizing Souter wrote the opinion that the government has the right to confiscate your property and use it for other purposes if it will generate more tax revenue.

Unemployment reaches 8.5% while General Motors announces that it will scrap Pontiac. Instead, GM will focus on producing geriatric-centric vehicles like Buick and Chevrolet. GM then continues to lose ground in the auto industry and has no idea why.

May

The United States Senate passes tough new credit card laws designed to regulate the industry. Eager to beat the deadline before the law goes into effect, credit card companies dump millions of deadbeats and jack up interest rates to 75% on all of the other chumps.

June

Several days away from summer, the hated Pittsburgh Penguins won Lord Stanley's Cup in the NHL championship, defeating the Detroit Red Wings 4 games to 3. Sidney Crosby considered the best hockey player ever by ESPN, continued to prove that he is the 2nd best player on the team after Evgeni Malkin who totaled 36 points in the playoffs. It was 30° on the ice, but 80° outside. Several delusional Pittsburgh fans start cheering "Pittsburgh, city of champions!", but fortunately the Pirates still suck.

Also in June the Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in the NBA championship. In a pre-tournament meeting the NBA referees decided to let the Lakers win after a 5 gave series and that Kobe Bryant would be allowed to foul as much as needed in order to get enough points to earn the MVP award. The referees and the NBA denied any wrong-doing.

Men who were teenagers in the late 1970's and early 1980's mourned the death of actress and poster-model Farrah Fawcett who passed away from anal cancer. Perhaps best known as Jill Munroe on Charlie's Angels, she was once married to Lee Majors, the Bionic Man, and was in a domestic partnership with Ryan O'Neal. She was 62.

Not to be outdone my Fawcett, Michael Jackson allegedly died the same day, the story being broken by TMZ, after being put to sleep by an anesthesiologist per MJ's request. However, critics claimed that Michael Jackson's soul has been dead for years and his body has only been functioning because of robotics and experimental cosmetics. Millions of emotionally unbalanced people swarmed Los Angeles to mourn his loss.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admits to lying to everyone and having an affair with an Argentine woman. A staunch critic of Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, Sanford refuses to step down because, as he stated, at least his girlfriend wasn't chubby.

Unemployment in the United States reaches 9.4% while Bernie Madoff swindled billions of dollars from investors in a Ponzi-scheme. Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in prison, at which time he plans to reopen his investment company and form an alliance with Morgan Stanley and turn a new leaf on life.

July

Alaskan Governor and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin resigns from office stating her desire to be the manager of her son-in-law's nude modeling career.

Three New Jersey mayors are arrested on corruption charges. Their names are Tony Soprano, Tony Gambino, and Tony Castellano. No one saw it coming.

Unemployment reaches 9.5% as Goldman Sachs reports a profit of $3.44 billion, most of the profit coming from the $3.44 billion in bailout money received from the Treasury. The company uses profits to pay its executives huge bonuses for their hard work.

August

Former Louisiana Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is convicted of bribery, racketeering, and money laundering. Investigators found money stashed in his freezer. Jefferson claimed it was safer in his freezer than in the stock market.

The great promoter of socialism for the common people, millionaire Senator Ted Kennedy, the drunken brother of former President John F. Kennedy and former Attorney General and Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, passed away after a valiant battle with brain cancer. Fortunately for Mr. Kennedy he didn't drown in a river after some drunk driver drove him off of a bridge and walked away and didn't report it to the police until the next day. Only common people go to jail for such things.

Obama pushes the Cash for Clunkers program to invigorate the economy. Used cars are required to be destroyed by filling them with deadly toxic acid and dumping them in junk yards. Liberals praise the program as a way to clean the environment. Meanwhile, millions of Americans by Japanese cars in August, but no one buys any cars for the rest of the year, sending car makers into an even greater depression.

Blogger Eludius celebrates his birthday while simultaneously being nominated by various anonymous readers as the best political blog in the universe.

September

Serena Williams loses her temper at the U.S. Open on a questionable call and excoriates the line judge by telling her she will shove her sister Venus down the judge's throat.

President Obama speaks to children across the nation via a special webcast. Initially created as a quick way to indoctrinate impressionable minds to the advantages of tax and spend liberal propaganda, parents riot and burn down schools and refuse to bring extra boxes of tissues to school until Obama changes his tune, which he eventually does. The new webcast is a 10 second blip of him telling kids to stay in school.

South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson yells out, "You lie!!" at Obama during a speech promoting socialized healthcare. Congressman Wilson is quickly rebuked for pointing out the Obama lies, but Wilson claims that he will refrain from speaking the truth in the future.

The Center for Disease Control announces that a swine flu vaccine will be available later in the year, just in time for the disease to have already infected everyone. In related news, the pork industry lobbies health officials to stop calling it the swine flu because pork sales are way down. The name for the disease will now be Rosie O'Donnell.

October

The New York Yankees purchased their 27th World Series title. Critics say that their $8 billion payroll is the reason, but General Manager Brian Cashman argues that he bought the World Series fair and square.

Federal employees are officially banned from texting while driving. The message was sent to the Blackberries of all federal employees during rush hour so that they could read the message while they were driving.

President Obama declares that his economic recovery plan has saved millions of jobs in the United States. He points to millions of people with jobs as evidence to support his claim.

General Motors announces that it will also discontinue the Saturn line after they finally realized that those cars are ugly as crap. The company will focus on subcompacts while sales continue to fall for the once thriving American car company, but executives still have no idea why.

Unemployment in the United States surges to 9.8% as Obama demands banks stop paying executives huge bonuses. Several bank executives suffer from sever joint strains while giving the President the finger.

November

Best known as the D.C. Beltway Sniper, John Allen Muhammad was executed in Virginia by lethal injection. Neighboring Maryland Governor and raging anti-death penalty advocate Martin O'Malley condemned the execution and stated that we need to do more to protect the lives of mass murderers.

A shooting at Fort Hood in Texas claim the lives of 13 people with 31 injured. Self-proclaimed al-Qaida terrorist Army Major Malik Hasan is a prime suspect after he announced for months that jihad was necessary and he would kill everyone. Military officials continue to question him to find out if he is really the shooter and whether or not it is politically correct to imprison him.

Obama announces expanded government aid to people that are unable to pay their mortgages. Those that are nearly bankrupt, but have been making their payments are ineligible for aid. Those that have been having rave parties, driving Hummers, and spending what cash they have like a prostitute at a slot machine will continue to be eligible to receive tax-payer-backed funding.

December

GM Chief Executive Fritz Henderson resigns as he is tired of the government telling him what to do. As the largest shareholder, the government is pushing GM to produce tiny economy cars that seat 2, are made of plastic, and get 40 miles per gallon. Unfortunately for GM, Americans continue to buy Honda Accords that weigh 2000 pounds and get about 28 miles per gallon. Sales of GM cars continue to slide and no one has any idea why.

Police are called to the scene of an accident in Florida only to find Tiger Woods' vehicle smashed into a tree with Tiger lying on the ground with a 3 iron wrapped around his neck. Tiger's wife, Swedish model Elin Nordergren admits that Tiger went down 5 seconds into an ultimate fight club match with her after she found out that he was hooking up with trashy New Jersey waitresses. Tiger officially changes his name to Cheetah.

And that is 2009 as I remember it.