Open Letter to BGE

Dear BGE,

I am writing in response to the letter you sent me this week. Its title is "Important Information About Your Electric Bill & Rate Stabilization".

First, I am hoping you can clear something up for me. What do you mean by rate stabilization? In the first paragraph, you mention a 50% electricity rate increase. Is "Rate Stabilization" a euphemism for "boning customers in the ass with a huge rate increase"?

Regardless, it is my fortunate position to inform you that my wife voted for Governor Martin O'Malley. As you will recall, Martin O'Malley promised to do something about the rate increase that Governor Ehrlich's Public Service Commission approved. And this rate increase, coupled with the previous 15% rate increase, would make the total rate increase slightly more than the rate increase proposed by the Republican administration, who was apparently "too chummy" with you. Therefore, as I'm sure you will agree, this rate increase does not apply to us.

My best guess is that your letter was inadvertently mailed to your hard-working consumers instead of the big evil corporations that Martin O'Malley warned us about. Nonetheless, I will take no offense by you, BGE, accidentally sending me this letter.

Therefore, since this rate increase does not apply to me, please maintain my electricity rates at their current level. If there is any disagreement with this arrangement, please speak to Martin O'Malley. I am certain that he will pick up the difference.

Sincerely,

Bent Over and Smiling

If you're Sunni, You ain't Shi'ite

Memorial Day Weekend

What an eventful weekend this we just had. From politics to sports back to politics.

Lacrosse

First, on Saturday, Duke defeated #1 Cornell in the semi-finals of the NCAA Lacrosse Championship at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore. Earlier in the day, Johns Hopkins University, who's known for producing doctors and lacrosse players, defeated the University of Delaware, who's not known for producing doctors nor lacrosse players.

The Blue Devils and the Blue Jays met on Monday for the championship. Hopkins led 10-4 at one point, only to face an impressive run by Duke. Hopkins managed to hold them off and win 12-11.

After the game, Duke, who had their season cancelled last year during a pending criminal investigation, dedicated their victories to Durham District Attorney Michael Nifong, who continued to press rape charges against 3 of their players from the previous year knowing that there was no evidence to support the charges, but knew it would help his reelection.

Duke dedicated an earlier victory to Crystal Magnum, the crack-whore prostitute who made up the charges against three of the Duke players, but then realized that she was just trippin.

There was also a shout-out thanks to the left-wing liberal faculty at Duke who wanted to castrate the entire team for their culture of misogynistic violence, despite no evidence to support their claim. The faculty later claimed that they were utilizing their first amendment rights to slander young men.

Where's O'Malley?

Despite being berated by Johnsonville Brats advertising to the contrary, Memorial Day is supposed to be a day to remember our fallen soldiers. VFW troops and MIA/POW groups take this opportunity to hold parades and ceremonies to remember their brethren. Dulaney Valley Memorial Gardens holds a special ceremony each year and flags are placed at the grave stones of soldiers and heroes. Each year, this event is attended by dignitaries and politicians to show their respect. Maryland Governors have attended year in and year out. This weekend, former Governor Bob Ehrlich paid his respects to these fine young men and women. Martin O'Malley, on the other hand, was nowhere to be found. We think he was honoring Memorial Day by firing up some Johnsonville Brats on his new tax-payer funded Fire Magic Regal I gourmet grill.

Cool Hand Lohan

Lindsey Lohan gave everyone a good laugh this weekend when she did her best impression of Britney Spears gone wild and Robert Downey Jr's heroin induced downfall. Lohan, who will probably be rooming with fellow party-girl Paris Hilton at the Beverly Hills Spa and Rehab, may not be able to do the daytime show circuit to advertise her new movie, I Know Who Killed Me. I suspect that the movie will reveal that she did it to herself.

In recent interviews, Lohan is excited to tell us that she is doing her first nude scene hoping that will vault her into the Oscar category. I'm just excited that I'll be able to see the needle tracks up her arm. Lohan, who has performed kid-friendly movies such as Herbie: Fully Loaded, the Parent Trap, and Freaky Friday, has now suffered the fate of the V-Chip block from many families. Good luck with that new movie, Lindsay.

Woman of the Year

So, I'm not talking about Hillary Clinton, Suzie Orman, or Sheila Dixon. I am talking about Elizabeth Hasselbeck. The cute talk-show co-host has done what very few have accomplished over thousands of years of entertainment - she pissed off Rosie O'Donnell so much that she decided to end her contract with The View earlier than expected.

The obese Rosie O'Donnell, the cancer of decency, has been shoveling her brand of elitist homo-agenda rhetoric down the throats of stay-at-home mom's and unfortunate early afternoon gym members for several years. Several attempts to stifle her by forcing Goodyear tires into her mouth were averted when she jumped on some ropes and hung upside down. She claims she performed this buffoon activity so that she wouldn't be sad about thinking that Tom Selleck owns a gun.

Rosie O'Donnell and the cute Hasselbeck started arguing after communist and fascist sympathizer Joy Behar got diarrhea of the mouth and accused Republicans for all that is wrong in the world. She supported her rhetoric with unsubstantiated propaganda and rhetoric. Hasselbeck, the conservative on the show and outnumbered 300-1 (when considering the weight of the Twinkies and ho-hos stored in the asses of the show's others hosts), began defending the war and President Bush.

O'Donnell later inferred that the U.S. troops were the terrorists. O'Donnell, who has never denied that she donates money to Al-Quaida, started ripping into "little innocent Christian Elizabeth". The remaining dialog is about as important as David Hasselhoff's drunken video - everyone is interested, but it doesn't make much of a difference in life. However, Hasselbeck's heated defense resulted in the greatest victory since the Normandy Invasion. Rosie has removed her Birkenstocks and over-sized stirrup pants and will run and hide into seclusion with her wife.

This is why Elizebeth Hasselbeck has earned my vote for Woman of the Year!!!!

New Netflix Conspiracy?

Anyone have the movie "Bobby" in their queue? I've had it at the top of my queue, as have several of my friends, since its release several weeks ago. The status of the movie has been "Very Long Wait" since the day it was released.

I think there is a wide conspiracy going on. I suspect that the FBI and the CIA have cornered the market on the movie and have no intention of returning it. Are they trying to hide something? Does the assassination really have a tie to Cuba, the mafia or perhaps even the KGB? Or maybe it was an inside job from the FBI or the CIA. Does this movie spill the beans?

The only benefit of such movie cornering action is that they wouldn't be subjected to watching Pan's Labyrinth if that's the next movie in their queue.

New BGE Rate Hike

The Governor O'Malley-appointed Public Service Commission (PSC) has approved a 50% increase in electricity rates for Baltimore Gas & Electric (BGE) customers. Stupid liberal Marylanders across the state are outraged and befuddled. This clearly is in conflict with O'Malley's campaign promise when he said that he would appoint competent people to be on the PSC and that he would look out for the consumers rather than the evil corporate chums that Ehrlich befriended.

O'Malley promised to keep low standards and he has not failed to disappoint. His first campaign promise was broken when, instead of appointing competent members of the PSC, he appointed his friends and people that provided mirrors and beer to him on the campaign trail.

O'Malley has promised to break more campaign promises and he's holding to that promise. Now his second campaign promise has been broken. The 72% rate increase that he claimed was an outrage to the hard-working consumers, is now a 72 1/2% increase that sticks it to the consumers, especially the poor hard-working consumers. How does a 50% increase in electricity rates help the poor and the elderly who are on fixed incomes? I wonder if he's going to provide a broom handle for this ram-job.

But let's give him a little bit of a break. He said that he would fight the rate increase, and he did fight it, all the way through the campaign. Now that he is Governor (Governor Teflon Leprechaun), he's all tuckered out from the good fight.

O'Malley wouldn't be O'Malley, though, without blaming his lies on Ehrlich. O'Malley made a public statement yesterday that he was, "disappointed that we weren't able to undo what 4 years of deregulation had done." And since the deregulation was started 8 years ago under Mike Miller's Senate bill and approved by far-left liberal extremist Governor Glendening, it's Ehrlich's fault for allowing the law the be enforced.

O'Malley, who has yet to deny that he was drunk during the entire gubernatorial campaign, said he would apologize to Ehrlich for making him look like a schmuck and for lying to the Maryland public. Oops. Looks like my keyboard just got stuck. What I meant to type was, "O'Malley hopes that the hard-working voting citizens of our great state will forget about these broken campaign promises and lies by the time the next election comes along."

This is assuming that he makes it to the next election. He'll either die of vanity or be selected by that hard-left-wing liberal extremist Hillary Clinton to be her boy-man, I mean Vice Presidential running mate. This would give him a great opportunity to show the nation how pretty his smile is. I've been asked by many readers how many hot male model contests O'Malley has won at the Hippo in Baltimore. I have no idea.

How many more days until the next election?

Preakness Special

Maryland Slots

In what had been a fierce battle of political wills, both Martin O'Malley and House Speaker Michael Busch are now receptive to having slots at horse race tracks. Martin O'Malley even went as far as to say that he had an epiphany that if the tracks do not get slots, then the horse racing industry will continue to rot and eventually die in the state of Maryland.

Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah, the previous governor, Bob Ehrlich. Why is it different this time? Because the hard left-wing liberal extremist who's better at rhetoric is now running the State House. Previously, O'Malley (who has earned the nickname of the Teflon Leprechaun by WBAL Radio) was not a supporter of the slots legislation because he said that gambling is philosophically bad, except for the state government-sponsored Maryland Lottery, which is good.

Let's temporarily ignore the fact that most of the revenue generated by the Maryland Lottery is from the poor uneducated citizens of our great state. Slots, as we know, brings people from surrounding states and they bring their money. We know this by the number of people driving to Delaware and West Virginia, and soon to Pennsylvania. I say, why allow slots in Maryland when there are plenty of places to take our money, including our surrounding neighbors that have slots? They seem to want our money as much as Peter Franchot, but they want us to have fun giving it to them, whereas Tricky Pete just wants to pry the money from us.

Michael Busch, who has been the biggest obstacle to the slots legislation, let along the biggest obstacle when he walks down the hall, went on WBAL Radio over the weekend and said that raising taxes in Maryland is inevitable. The liberal socialists just don't feel like cutting any more of the budget because if they do, the people that get free money and services will no longer vote for them, and their votes are way more important than making the responsible changes to make the budget balance.

So what new taxes can we anticipate? First, the state will raise the sales tax by 20%. "Oh, it's only a penny" they will say. Yes, but these pennies will add up to millions of extra dollars that the Maryland Legislature can use to send illegal immigrants to college for free. Or they could spend this money to house murderers who get light sentences, like John Gaumer, who beat a girl to death whom he had met on MySpace.com. He then cut off her finger tips and removed her jaw and her teeth. Hopefully he gets a nice cozy cell and suffers no emotional discomfort from being incarcerated. He's very sorry I hear.

Going back to horse racing, the Preakness is this weekend. All eyes around the country will be focused on Baltimore. Fortunately, the national TV cameras will not be focused on the blocks surrounding the track. The track is located in a crime-ridden ghetto. Travel in packs. Do not look anyone in the eye. If you do, you will get shot. Lots of people get shot and die in Baltimore. In fact, there have been over 100 people that have been killed in Baltimore this year.

And let's not forget about that infield party. Compare that to the boring events in Church Hill Downs and Belmont Park. There, women wear spring dresses and bonnets, talk politely among the well-dressed men, and enjoy the afternoon at the exciting event. Down Baltimore, the Preakness features the local radio station, 98 Rock, enticing drunk sluts to show their boobs. Guys do beer funnels, show their guns, get into fights, and generally make asses of themselves. One year, we were lucky enough to see one of these donkeys run out onto the track during one of the races and almost get killed by a horse. Make us proud! Show the nation what a bunch of morons we are in Baltimore!!!!

Teacher Retention

A recent article in the Charlotte Observer (the newspaper for Charlotte, NC) noted that they are having a teacher shortage in high schools. It appears that some of the schools were not meeting the standards set by the No Child Left Behind Law. A judge then demanded that the scores go up.

Charlotte, pictured to the right, in their infinite wisdom, took that to mean getting rid of bad teachers, hire better teachers, and then the quality of the education would then be reflective of the better teachers. However, this method backfired. Dozens of bad teachers were fired, which is amazing in itself. Where's the ACLU when you need them to stand up for mediocrity or failure? Anyway, since many teachers were fired, this decreased morale within the school system, causing good teachers to quit. Now the school system cannot hire enough teachers to fill the vacancies left open by the quitters.

Now, if this had happened in Baltimore, the outcome would have been different. If a judge had demanded that the test scores increase, former Baltimore Mayor and Socialist advocate, Martin O'Malley, would have returned to the judge 20 minutes later showing that the test scores were now higher and that graduation rates were up, too.

How is this possible? The solution is simple. Once you redo the grading scale, someone who previously was failing is now getting a C or D. Someone who was average is now getting A's and B's. The students are not anything differently. They didn't need to retake any tests. (For God's sake, he only had 20 minutes!) And the wonderful thing about this method is that it can be applied retroactively. So 19 year old kids who thought they failed the 7th grade again suddenly find themselves in the 8th grade with their peers.

And since we're making up grades, let's enhance our graduation rates. Now Baltimore, pictured to the right, shows graduation rates near 70%. That's kind of funny when you look at the classrooms and see 11 seniors in it. Did only 12 seniors start their freshman year in this class? Of course not. Prairie Dog O'Malley just changed the graduation calculation to say, "How many kids started their senior year divided by how many graduated." This is a clear bastardization of the calculation method used by everyone in the industrialized world, but O'Malley wanted to be Maryland's first Socialist governor, so he had to do something and he had to do it fast. He wasn't going to allow some educated Republican to see the poop through the forest. Official graduation rates for Baltimore City, as calculated by organizations outside of the Socialist State of Maryland, are closer 24%.

So, Charlotte, NC, what can your town learn from this? Stop trying to do the right thing for the children and obeying the law and start doing what will make you look good in the short-term so that your politicians can bask in their glory and wisdom. It worked for O'Malley, it can work for you!

Random Quips

On Harry

Harry Reid was given honorary status as a French citizen this week after stating that the United States has lost the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and that we should retreat and accept defeat. An anonymous French spokesman said, "As a former member of the French military, we can fully relate to the wimpy opinions of Mr. Reid and his spineless cohorts." In related news, Reid has been diagnosed with an acute case of highly evolved diarrhea of the mouth. Losing the next election is his only hope for recovery.

Who Should Be Fired?
Was anyone else excited when they heard pundits demanding the resignation of Paul Wolfowitz, only to realize that you thought they were talking about Wolf Blitzer?

No Need To Vote
As I've mentioned before, Martin the prairie dog O'Malley (only sticks his head up when it's safe) signed the bill changing the voting method for presidential elections in Maryland. Maryland will no longer count the votes in the state and instead will cast its votes for the national winner of the popular vote. If not a single person in the state of Maryland casts a vote for Pat Buchanan in the next election, but he wins the popular vote, then the history books will show that Maryland voted for Buchanan.

The other side of this is that this law doesn't go into effect until a certain amount of states pass similar laws, totally nullifying the electoral college. This is sort of like me saying that I'm going to marry some hot 24 year-old blond when I'm 45, bald and gray, provided that all of my friends do the same.

My Second Grader is Older Than Your Second Grader
So what's the deal with everyone holding their kids back in school these days? There are kids in my daughter's second grade class that are nine. One of them is a boy who is about 5 feet 4 inches tall and he's in the highest reading group. His parents must be so proud. I wonder how smart he'd be if he was in the correct grade.

And as far as the sports recreation councils are concerned, they need to stop grouping kids by their grade and start grouping them by age again. Nothing irks me more than having parents brag about how great their kid is at soccer. Sure, that 5 ft 4", 9-year-old really stuck it to those 7-year-olds. He'll be driving to school when he's in the 8th grade and be of legal drinking age when he's a freshman in college. On the other hand, by the time he graduates from college, his real peers will have been in the workforce for several years. He'll be an entry-level data entry person at age 24. That's awesome!

On Weddings
Nothing says that "I'm drunk, loose, and ready to mate" more than a girl at a wedding, wearing a dress that's too short and too tight for her physique, walking onto the dance floor with her drink in one hand, throwing her fist in the air like John Carlos, and yelling, "Whoooo-yeahhhhh!!" For the sober couples who will return home to their children, this is very amusing. For the hormone-raging 30-year-old guys that still think Budweiser is as good as it gets, this is the territorial cry that they're looking for.