Going For A Walk

My wife decided today that it was time for me to get out of the house. I was hoping that it would be to walk to the mailbox and back to be followed by another movie and a nap. But that was not in her plan.

My oldest daughter had an appointment at the orthodontist and I was going. It is really cold here in Carroll County. So cold, in fact, that the county superiors decided to open school 2 hours late. I think this person may be from Miami or another point south. The temperature this morning was about 22° with a wind chill near 15°. If this person was in charge of Minnesota the schools would be closed from October through May.

So when we arrive at the orthodontist and the wind is billowing, I flop out of the car and waddle to the door. Since I can't carry children, I feel no need to stick around and offer moral support. However, half way to the door my family comes flying by me leaving me to waddle the rest of the way in the cold by myself. Can you believe that?

Once in the office, the regulars who were there when I got my braces in 2001 were there and were pal'ing it up with me. 'Did you take off today?' Nope, I'm off because I had surgery for a hernia. 'Oh, get well soon. Stay off of your feet. Get some rest. Don't over do it!' Shut the hell up!

Once my daughter is done we drop them off at school. Ahh - peace and quiet. We then head over to Kohl's, much to my chagrin. You see - my chagrin hates Kohl's. This is the store that has the entire merchandise on sale for 60% off at ALL times. How this is possible I don't know. 'Was $59.99, now $19,99!' When was it full price? One hour in November?

My wife starts by looking at women's clothes. I'll meet you somewhere else. Where you going to be? Not too far. I can't walk too fast.

I made the crazy 8's all the way around the store - twice. Mothers are everywhere. I'm looking for a dude 0r a hottie. Can't find any. There's a dude! Oh, he works here. More women. And these aren't even MILF's or hotties. It's kabitzin' biddies. They're all into everyone's business. Some 40 year-old with 2 toddlers let's them run in the aisle. One of the employees goes off on the kids. 'Hey!!! Stop running in the store! Or we're going to shoot you!"

A few more rounds. And no wife. I check the bras and panties section at least nine times. Can't find her. But I did find a pair of grrrrr panties that I think about buying for her. Move along. And I can't find a chair anywhere. I call her on her cellphone. Where are you? In women's clothes. Still?!!! I finally find her. Another few more rounds of crazy 8's and she finally concedes that we can go.

Now it's off to Shopper's Food Warehouse, Shopper's for short. As I'm hobbling along my wife asks me, 'what are you going to do if there's a fire?' Run like hell! They can always redo the surgery, but they can't unburn me.

Martin's is the main grocery store in Eldersburg. There are four in our bucolic town. Food Lion, where there is one line open sometimes, but it takes 30 minutes to get through. And Safeway, where a Coke 12-pack is on sale for $8.99, save $6!!!! Both parking lots are empty. Then there's Martin's. Always crowded. So we go to Shopper's. These people ain't from around here. Some of them are talking to themselves. Other's are keeping an eye on you hoping you don't recognize them from Saturday's episode of America's Most Wanted.

Finally we leave. She asks if I want to go to the library. No! I want to go home and sleep. It's been a rough day for me. How are you supposed to go to work next week? I have no idea. So now she is taking me out of the house every day. Tomorrow is the library and the doctor. I feel like an old man who just had hernia surgery. How pathetic am I?