February 2014 - A Month In Review

February started off with the Super Bowl, featuring one of the NFL's most dominant teams of the last few years, the Seattle Seahawks, against one of the most dominant regular season quarterbacks of the past decade, Peyton Manning and his Denver Broncos.  Peyton Manning reaffirmed why his nickname is Choke, while the young Russell Wilson proved why he is the new sheriff in town.  The Seahawks won 43-8.  The only real winner of this event was the 40-something people who got to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform.  Bruno Mars?  Who?

February 2nd is Groundhog Day, just like every year.  This year, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning that winter would last until March 21st, when the season would officially return to spring again.

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley, on the other hand, also saw his shadow and promised more months of tax increases.  Maryland Lieutenant Governor Anthony Brown also saw his shadow and predicted that the Maryland Health Exchange website that he manages will still not work and he will fire someone else and that will make the problem go away.

Martin O'Malley made the news again in February when he announced that he will most likely run for President.  Unfortunately for the Maryland Governor, in public opinion polls he trails Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Andrew Cuomo, Bernie Sanders, Brian Schweitzer, Howard Dean, Beavis and Butthead, and Mickey Mouse.

The Winter Olympics started in Sochi.  These games were the most expensive games ever hosted, costing Russian over $55 Billion.  This is the first time a commie nation has hosted the games since, oh wait, China hosted the summer games not too long ago.

Some minor highlights of the games:
     Russian speed skater Olaf Graf unzipped her uniform forgetting that she was naked underneath.  Unfortunately, she realized she was naked underneath before she totally unzipped her uniform.
     Russia was eliminated from hockey after having been declared the the imminent champion.  They settled for wood medals and 33 years in a gulag in Siberia.
     NBC host Bob Costas contracted a rabid eye disease that made it appear as if his burning eye was melting off of his face.  45 million viewers contracted the disease psychologically.  Costas was then replaced with Today Show host Matt Lauer, whom everyone realized really quick knows absolutely NOTHING about sports when he was talking about the bobsleighers and the competition with the illegal assault rifles.

Some things never change in the drug world.  What would be your reaction if you learned a drug addict overdosed on heroin and died and left behind young children?  Would you celebrate this person's life and idolize him?  You would if that person was Phillip Seymore Hoffman.  He's been credited as one of the best drug addicts of our generation.

American night owls celebrated as Jay Leno stepped down from the Tonight Show again, this time being replaced by someone who is funny - Jimmy Fallon.  But let's give Leno credit, we're going to miss endless hours of newspaper mistakes.  "Hey, did you see this?"

February saw many of our iconic actors pass away.

Shirley Temple died.  She's probably best known as the Ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia.  Other people may remember her as a child actress with curly hair.

Coach Calhoun of Grease went to the great Rydell High heaven in the sky joining Principal McGee, Blanche, Cha Cha Degrigorio, and Kenickie.  Coach Calhous was played by Sid Caesar who died at the ripe young age of 91.

Ralph Waite, the father on The Waltons died at age of 45.  Goodnight, Pa.

Famed comedian Harold Ramis also passed away.  The genius behind Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, Groudhog Day, and Stripes was known for the lines, "Don't cross the streams!" and "we're not homosexuals, but we're willing to learn."  Ramis was a true comedian who challenged the intellect rather than today's comedians who see how many potty words they can drop in the shortest amount of time.  I'm talking to you, Danny McBride.

Groupon celebrated President's Day by honoring President Alexander Hamilton.  For those of you who attended Baltimore City public schools, Alexander Hamilton was not a President.  He was the first Secretary of the Treasury under George Washington.  Groupon claimed that they also know that, and that it was tongue-in-cheek.

Protests erupted in the Ukraine during the Olympics.  The protests began peacefully after President Viktor Yanukovich backed out of a plan to join the European Union.  Instead, he declared that he was going to side with Mother Russia and former KGB agent commie bastard Vladimir Putin.  As the protests increased, Dictator Yanukovick declared that he was going to protect Ukraine by killing all of the traitor protesters.  U.S. President Obama declared that he better stop or else.....  Or else what?  We go to Ukraine and have sexy time with gypsy?

CNN fired talk show host Piers Morgan.  I guess they finally figured out that American don't want a cocky-ass Brit jerk telling us what we're doing wrong.  He's a bloody wanker.

There is nothing to report at the end of February in Ukraine.  Especially in Crimea.  There is no truth the the story that Mother Russia is now flying the glorious flag over the airport and other buildings in Crimea.  If they were there, it would be to protect the people and help maintain peace and order.

And that, my friends, is what happened in the 28 days of February.