Pain in the Neck, Day...27???

So, today is almost 4 weeks since I saw my doctor about my neck. I called that day to make an appointment with Advanced Radiology and it has been all downhill ever since (or uphill? Or both?). Still haven't had an MRI.

I called AR yesterday and asked them what the hell is going on. They said they're still waiting on University of Maryland to release the records. Great. They must be run by the government.

The lady at AR recommended that I call my doctor to see if she could put the hammer down on them, so I called her. I left a message with the receptionist and, surprisingly, she returned my call a couple of hours later rather than ignoring my call like everyone else or calling back weeks later. The doctor changed the order to get an x-ray instead.

I informed my wife of this change and she told me that I'm a retard, just like those people that made Tropic Thunder. She says that an x-ray will not provide ample imagery of neck muscle, only bone. If the problem is not a bone problem, then I'll still need an MRI. Ugh.

So today I decided to write a scathing blog post about the inadequacy of the medical system, especially the bureaucratic nightmare at the University of Maryland. And I'm going after the guy or gal that's in charge. I'm putting his name on there and everything. If (s)he does a Google search on their name, they will find my fury. If they really cared about their patients, they wouldn't make them wait several weeks to find out if they are going to die 2 weeks ago. So I started doing some Internet searches.

University of Maryland Hospital Medical Records - nothing.
University of Maryland Hospital Medical health records - nothing.
University of Maryland Hospital patient medical records- nothing.
University of Maryland Hospital record request form - nothing.
Dumb shit that is in charge of medical records at the University of Maryland - oh, here it is. Just kidding.

So I call them. After about 10 minutes I get a warm body. She tells me that the Health Information Management department retrieves the records and it usually takes up to 21 business days. I tell her it's a good thing I'm not dying. Silence. She does, however, offer to look up the status of my request. AR requested it last week. What???!!!! I spoke to them more than 2 weeks ago and they said they requested it. Somebody's an F-in liar. She then tells me that there's no status change for my records, but offers to resubmit the request. She actually remembers submitting my request the first time. Ok. That's fine, I guess. You got me by the balls, so you might as well pretend to stroke them while your twisting them in your clenched fist with that stupid grin on your face.

So anyway, I go back to Google and look up UMD Health Information Management. Nothing. It's ridiculous that we know more about the secrets of the Freemasons than we do about the patient medical records at your hospital!!! I found plenty of links to career websites for jobs in the department, but nowhere is it identified on the University of Maryland website.

So if you're listening, Mr. Department Head of Health Information Management (whoever you are) - you're an asshole and your department sucks!!! If someone's life depended on you they'd be dead and you don't seem to F-in care. I get better service from the Wendy's in Owings Mills - and that sucks! Perhaps the high school drop-out that takes my order who can't tuck his shirt in properly or say, "Hi!" ought to have your job. At least he gives me extra fries, you jerk.