The Harder They Fall...

So last night, I'm dead asleep. It's about 12:45 am. All of a sudden I hear the security alarm go off. It's a siren and it's very loud. The next part all transpired in my mind in 0.5 seconds - There's someone in my house. Have they made it up the steps? I need to go down and kick their a$. What do I do when I meet up with this person? I hope my wife is calling the police. What if this guy shoots me? Who will protect my wife and the kids?
I wonder if the neighbors can hear the alarm? This part is what actually happened in the same 0.5 seconds. I jump out of bed. I turn the corner to run downstairs. My heart is racing. My adrenaline is pumping. Goose bumps all over my body. My eyes are tearing as I'm in sheer panic-mode. I'm screaming Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (purely instinctual - not sure what I thought that would accomplish) I start sliding down the steps. I somersault down the stairs. I crash through the baluster. I break the baluster. I get up and after 4 failed attempts I turn off the alarm.

Now I'm starting to wake up. I'm still in a panic-rage. I could have lifted a car at this point. I turn on all the lights. I'm racing through the house with my fists clenched ready to swing. I turn on the search lights outside. I see nothing. The phone rings. It's Slomin's. I tell them that I'm not sure what set if off and to send the police. I race back upstairs, grab a baseball bat and am standing at the top of the landing waiting for some phuquer to come out of hiding in my house.

I'm an absolute crazy person at this point. Now I realize that I'm in pain. I look at my foot. My ankle is bleeding, as are 2 of my toes. The underside of my arm is hurting. My thumb and pinky are bleeding. My thumbnail is bent in half. One of my fingernails is cracked in half. I have a something-degree rug burn running from my wrist to my elbow. I have another on my other arm. My head is hurting, probably from the successive poundings of the steps as my feet were up in the air. My shoulder, back, stomach, and knees are all pounding with pain. Now I'm starting to wonder if I broke any bones.

Meanwhile, my son ran into our bedroom. I heard him scream when I fell downstairs. He went down the stairs half-way, heard the warning alarm (high-pitched beep - you have 15 seconds to disarm the alarm before the siren goes off). He heard the beep, panicked, ran back in his room. Then the siren went off, he screamed, watched my do my imitation of Chevy Chase, then ran into the our bedroom. After calming him down, my wife starts asking him questions. Apparently, he had to go to the bathroom and didn't feel like using the bathroom upstairs.

The state police come. I meet them at the door. I'm obviously pretty banged up. He says (in a very concerned way) "Are YOU okay?" I tell him that I am fine and that it was a false alarm and explain what happened. He then asks me if I am painting my front door, which I am. I was sort of puzzled by this question. I look at the door, then go into an explanation that rust pits were forming on the door, so I sanded it and painted it, but then realized that I missed some of the pits, so I had to resand it and was hoping to repaint it the next day. He smiled, then checked things out around the outside, was very nice, and then leaves.

I was sort of confused by this question. I mention it to my wife the next day. She said that's a technique used by police to take note of their surroundings and then quiz you to see if you're the true homeowner and not the criminal. My wife is so smart. She probably wouldn't fall down the steps in an emergency.

We finally get back to bed and all I can think about is someone is going to break into my house. I was up until 4am. Every noise sounds like someone opening a door or someone walking around downstairs. I'm awake again at 6am. I feel like hell today. Not only did I fall down the stairs, but I think someone took a hammer to every part of my body.

When I went downstairs in the morning, I see that one of the balusters is smashed off the railing. Must have been quite an impact! That, my friends, is the most scared that I've ever been in my life. I think I'll be putting the baby gates back up at the top of the stairs so that no sleep walkers can make it downstairs.

Popular and Fun Comments and Feedback
A coworker asked if I was going to appear on next week's episode of America's Funniest Home Invasions.

My neighbor came over twice yesterday to just laugh at me. She was in tears the whole time. All she would say was, "Aaarrrrruuuuuuaaaaahhhhh!!!!!"

My friend who was in the military said, "Holy cow!! Your e-mail confirmed for me that I made the right decision to get rid of my 9mm Beretta after we had kids. If that had been me, I probably would have been in the same state of panic and unloaded the entire clip into the dark."

My sister said, "And this is part of the reason I *don't* have an alarm."

Another friend said, "Wow!!! You had quite a weekend!!! Don't be surprised to come home and see a cougar in your front yard."