Monday, February 26, 2007

Register Your Dangerous Weapons

Over the weekend, there was a brawl at Mount Hebron High School in Ellicott City. Apparently someone showed up at a fist fight with a baseball bat. This brawl of 20 people ended up putting several in a hospital and unfortunately, one of them died.

Immediately after the incident, an anonymous staff member reported that Martin O'Malley is going to submit a bill to the General Assembly requiring all baseball bat be registered with the newly formed Weapons Registration Department. This department will help protect our children and reduce crime and get Maryland moving forward again.

It is rumored that Maryland State Comptroller Peter Franchot released a statement that his office vigorously opposes baseball bats and is in the process of suing Louisville Slugger and Rawlings for producing objects that are used in violence. He later mentioned in the memo that he is still pro-abortion for any girl over 10 years old, to be given at will with no parental consent, he is absolutely against the death penalty, especially for serial killers - they still need their dignity, and he wants Maryland to stop global warming. I drove down to Annapolis in my 4WD and idled in the parking lot for 5 hours waiting to catch him leaving the State House so that I could get a quote, but I never saw him. I had to return, making 4 stops to refill my gas tank.

Each baseball bat that his owned will require the owner to submit a several page form, which will be kept on file. Bat prints will be made and registration numbers will be inscribed in all bats. When purchasing new baseball bats, the owner will be required to have a background check and go through a 24 hour "cooling off" period.

It is rumored that the Baltimore City Police department will sponsor events where baseball bat owners can turn in their baseball bats, no questions asked. Constitutionalists and libertarians are already fearing that this is one step closer to an all-out ban on baseball bats.

Elementary schools are already taking proactive steps and have banned baseball on their facilities to protect our children and eliminate the risk of a spontaneous baseball game breaking out where someone could get seriously injured. Baseball will be replaced with games where students sit on the floor and tenderly roll a large sponge-like Nerf ball back and forth. All children will wear safety gear such as helmets, gloves, wrist bands, and knee pads. Breaks will occur every 5 minutes where children can get some organic water and share hugs with each other. No one will lose. Everyone wins. It emphasizes the team spirit and has been proven to boast morale and self-esteem in super wienies.

Major League Baseball games will be added to the parental view chip so that the games can be blocked. We would not want our children to watch overgrown men swinging dangerous weapons. Incidents, such as the one shown in this picture where sissies are fearing for their life, will be prevented.

No comments:

Who links to my website?
Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites Add to Technorati Favorites