If You Buy a Mouse a Cookie

For those of you who are parents I am sure that you are familiar with the Laura Joffe Numeroff book titled If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. In the story a young child gives a mouse a cookie. However, after you give the mouse a cookie, he'll want a glass a milk. And then it goes on an on about what he'll need next as a result of the previous item. This story is true to life.

My wife and I have been watching television on our 300 pound 32 inch RCA cathode ray television since we bought it back in 1999. To accompany our young dinosaur we purchased a mission-style oak entertainment cabinet for many dollars.

Fast forward 11 years. I have been perusing the advertisements looking for a new television. Just out of curiosity, of course. I'm no tech gadget kind of guy, so I wasn't quite sure what I should be looking for. LCD or LED or plasma? 46" or 47"? 120hz or 60hz? Fortunately my friends on Facebook were there to lead the way, except for one poor soul who was my classmate in private school 24 years ago. He recommended a 13" Westinghouse with the handle on top.

I had decided on getting a 47". They were about $700-$900. That seemed to be about what I wanted to spend for a new television. Then my wife got involved. We visited Best Buy. We visited BJ's Wholesale club. Not being one to tolerate hours of reading reviews, I let her do the legwork. Finally she tells me that she wants to go visit the Big Screen Store in Westminster.

We rally the kids and head up there. We are greeted by a young man named Chris who appeared to be out of high school by about 45 minutes. Spiderman is playing on all of the televisions, which I'm not sure was appropriate given that it is Rated PG-13. But if I could plop them down on those leather chairs to watch the movie while the missus and I shopped then all the better.

Chris showed us the differences between some of the televisions and clearly explained what our expectations should be. He then showed us a Mitsubishi with 16 speaker built-in multi-directional surround sound. He first showed us what it was like with 2-speaker sound. Not too bad. Then he turned on the 16 speaker sound. Holy mother of decibels!!! After I picked myself up off of the floor he says, "but if you're going to spend $XXX on this 47", then you might as well spend $200 more and get this 52". My wife was sold. "This is what we're getting!"

What a role reversal. The woman is telling the man that we are getting the phat-jammin television. Don't get me wrong. I loved it. But the money! Fortunately, slightly-post-pubescent Chris informed us that we could get 18 months no finance charges on a new Big Screen Store credit card. Sounded good to me! Plus it's a 3 year warranty and life-time tech support.

So Chris tells us that the television will be delivered next Wednesday (the week leading up to the Super Bowl). He asks us how we plan on mounting the television. I was set on getting a mission-style credenza to replace our Godzilla entertainment center. My wife disagreed. She wanted to mount it on the wall - above the fire place. Of course, this will prevent us from using the fire place. So we buy a mounting kid.

Another friend then informs us that since we're getting an HD TV, we need to upgrade our cable service to HD. What? So we had to get a new box. Another friend informs me - 'if you upgrade you're cable box, you'll need to get an HDMI cord. What? Another friend informs me - 'if you upgrade to HD, you'll need to get a Blue-Ray player to take advantage of the HD capabilities. What? All I wanted was a cookie!

The television finally arrives on Wednesday and the Eludius family officially enters the 21st century. We haven't buried the cords so they are still draped over the sides of the fireplace. Wii is a little interesting since the television is so high. The response time is slightly delayed thus rendering my old-bone abilities useless against other finely crafted Mii characters.

Two weeks later we still do not have a Blue-Ray player, but my wife is still shopping around. We still don't have an HDMI-compatible cable box because Comcast refuses to get more. Instead they are providing their customers with inferior composite cable boxes. But we'll call them every week until we get one. And once we have that, I'll get a glass of milk.

Companies That Suck

People often ask me, "What companies should I avoid when I'm looking for good services or products?" Keeping a tight pulse of the market, here is my response:

1. Cingular (now At&T Wireless). I have been a Cingular customer for about 6 years. Their commercials are true - they really do have the most dropped calls and the worst coverage. Oh, wait, they advertised that they have the best. Well, that doesn't seem to

Sorry, I got cut off. And on top of that. When I upgraded my phones last year, they decided that it would be better if I converted my Family Plan to 2 separate plans at $80 a piece. And on top of that, they wanted me to call them 25 times and speak to 25 different people to get it resolved. And if that wasn't enough, they decided that I didn't qualify for the rebates that I was offered when I got the phone. If you ever hear some guy holler, "Cingular doesn't honor their rebates!" when he walks by the kiosks at the mall, that's probably me.

2. Adelphia Cable - they just got bought by Comcast, but before that - they sucked huge wankers. My Internet connectivity was intermitant. To call and complain, they wanted me to call long distance to an office in Westminster, Maryland. I opted to call the toll-free number and ask to be transfered, then wait on hold for 20-45 minutes at a time. Plus, they tripled my rates in the last couple of years, while simultaneously advertising that I as receiving the best entertainment package available and I now have more choices. You've heard the argument. I don't need WE, and Bravo!, and CSPAN42. That'd be like celebrating that you now get to choose from 10 different kinds of Brussell Sprouts for dinner. Who the hell wants it?

3. Len Stoler Ford - located in diverse suburban Owings Mills, Maryland, this dealer has cornered the market on crack-smoking customer service reps. I took my car there once because I needed to replace the serpantine belt. I called ahead, told them what I wanted, identified the part that was needed, scheduled an appointment, and promptly dropped off the car. I get a call later that afternoon and he said that I needed $1300 worth of repairs. I'm like, "How do you figure? Were you able to determine this when you replaced the belt?" I think it was more like, "Pass the crack pipe, dude, I think we got another sucker. Tell him he needs an engine flush." What's that? It's like a super oil change where we drain the engine and refill it. You mean, like a regular oil change? No, not really. We really flush it real good. Fantastic. You're not only dumb, but you're also stupid.

4. Liberty Ford - not looking good for Ford. My car received another recall notice once. (I've only received 2 notices in the 12 years that I've owned my hot-rod Mercury Mystique) Again, I call ahead, tell them the what I needed, identified the part that was being recalled, scheduled an appointment. I take the day off to get this done. However, I also feel like crap. My head is pounding, my body aches. I feel dizzy. It feels like strep coming on. I go in anyway. I drop off the keys to the guy at the service desk. I tell him that I'll be in the waiting room. An hour passes. I finished reading the magazine that I brought as I wasn't too interested in reading Field & Stream. An hour and a half passes. I'm burning up. My head hurts more. I go into the service area and look at my car in the shop through the windows. I go back to the waiting area. Two hours pass. I start to doze in the seat. At almost three hours, I've had enough. I go back in there and ask for the status of my car. He pulls out the paperwork. Here's the ensuing conversation:

"We called and left you a message at home over 2 hours ago. We ain't got that part in stock."
"I told you I was going to be in the waiting room."
"Sorry, I didn't write that down."
"What? And why don't you have the part? I told you when I made the appointment what part was being recalled?"
"Well, we don't like to order the parts until we know that's what we need"
"But the recall notice said you had to replace it."
"You know how those things go. Sometimes they're fine."
"Get my car please."
"Would you like to reschedule my appointment"
"Sure, with a different dealer."

4. Wal-Mart We all know that Wal-Mart is an idiot magnet. You have to be an idiot to work there. You must be an idiot if you shop there. I live in a fairly affluent area. When I see '83 Chevy Malibu's in the parking lot with no hubs and the rear door held on with duct tape, I have to wonder, "Where are they coming from???" Try finding something in Wal-Mart that's not made in Communist dictatorship-goverened China. American-made? What's that? What's even better are the American flags that they sell. Yes, they're made in China, too. Oh, yeah, and that idiot. Yes, he's me.

5. Advanta - (formerly Colonial National Bank) I got a credit card from Colonial National Bank. It had no annual fee and no other fees to speak of. Then they got bought or merged or something, but they became Advanta. That's when all hell broke loose. Like all companies, they send out the terms of the new contract in an undescriptive pamphlet written in a 2 point font that no one reads. One of the new terms introduced me to the new annual fee of $35. When I got the charge, I promptly called to complain. Not their problem they tell me. I should have read the terms. Then I want to cancel the card. Okay, there's a $25 cancellation fee. What???? Okay, then I'll hold onto the card and never use it. Oh, by the way, sir, there's a $15 no-usage fee. Fight fire with fire, I say. For three months, I charge 14 cents worth of gas to my Advanta credit card. It would have been less, but I couldn't click the gas nozzle any quicker. I figured it cost them 27 cents to mail the bill, plus the paper, the return envelope, then they had to pay some poor schmuck who couldn't get a job at Wal-Mart to process the check, etc... I called them after the third month and asked if they would find it favorable if I cancelled my card without charges. They politely agreed.