Monday, December 01, 2014

November - A Month in Review

November starts with the global All Saints Day holiday.  Bless the saints, and more importantly, I hope they bless us!

The month started off on a sad note as Tom Magliozzi, one of the founders of NPR's car talk, passed away.  This guy was funny.  People don't give NPR enough credit.  There are some good shows on that station and Car Talk was one of them.

Russian President Vladimir Putin continues to guide Russia's economy in a downward spiral in his attempt to reclaim his country's rightful position as a super power.  Massive Russian bank debt, economic sanctions for their hostilities against Ukraine, soaring inflation, and Putin's general incompetence are helping to plunge Russia from a 2nd world nation closer to an nuclear armed third world nation.  That's a deadly combination that's almost as volatile as a Mississippi dirt pie in front of Oprah.

Brittany Maynard, the Death with Dignity advocate and brain cancer patient, gained national notoriety when she announced she was going to legally take her life with the assistance of a prescription medication on November 1st.  As the date neared, she cleverly informed the media that she had changed her mind and they went away.  She then went through with her promise.  Sometimes I'm happy that the media is so naive.

Bad news continues to haunt the Baltimore Ravens.  Molly Shattuck, the former Ravens' cheerleader and wife of former Baltimore-based Constellation Energy corporation Mayo Shattuck, has been arrested for sexual contact with a 15 year old boy.  Some people are condemning her deplorable behavior, while others are saying, "Dude, lucky kid!"  They wouldn't be saying that if the child was a girl.  But somehow because it's a boy some people think it's okay.  Mayo Shattuck responded to the media attention by using company resources and parking a dozen or so of the company trucks all along the street so that the media could park their own vehicles.

Republicans clobbered Democrats in the mid-term elections in November.  In perhaps the biggest upset, Lt. Governor Anthony Brown lost his presumed appointed election for Governor to challenger and Republican businessman Larry Hogan, whose father was once a Republican Congressman for Maryland.

Other interesting results are that Republicans took over Governor mansions in deep blue Massachusetts, and traditionally blue Wisconsin, Michigan, and Iowa, and purple Colorado.  In the Senate, the Republicans took over with key wins in North Carolina and Georgia, subsequently demoting Harry Reid to Senate Minority leader, but not demoting him low enough to match the scheming reprobate that he is.  Republicans also managed to hold onto the House.

Comedian, or is he supposed to be a singer?, Clay Aiken, was one of the big losers in this election cycle, again losing in his bid for a Congressional seat in South Carolina.  His luck may have been better if he was invisible.  Blahahahaha!

In the 'Be Careful What You Ask For" category, former Maryland state delegate and Muslim activist Saqib Ali pushed for Montgomery County Public Schools to recognize Islamic holidays, despite only about 1% of students being Muslim.  Instead of getting what he wanted, he made Facebook's top trending stories list when MCPS stripped everyone of religious holidays.  Now Montgomery County will celebrate Winter Solstice Day, National Fowl Consumption Day, and Rosh Hashanah.

Jose Canceco's finger fell off.  How much more do you need to say?  He accidentally shot it off, the doctors tried to sew it back on, but it fell off during a poker game, which explains it all.  We expect within the next few months his head will fall off.

Continuing with crazy celebrities, famous for no other reason than for being famous Kim Kardashian tried to break the Internet when she released naked doctored photos of herself.  It's obvious that the photos have been modified as her waste is a svelte 15 inches and her ass a voluptuous 72 inches.  Incredibly, she has a perfect golden shiny moist tan and no stretch marks from giving birth.  It didn't take long before the "gotta see it like a train wreck picture" of her full frontal hairless body was released.  Later in the month another picture of her ass was released, however this one looked like husband Kanye West.

Click here to see a totally naked picture of Kim.

Bill Cosby, the 77 year old comedian known for The Cosby Show and Fat Albert, became embroiled in controversy in November in what may become known as the Jell-O pudding scandal.  He's been accused by 157 women of "pudding" his dick in their vagina when they didn't want him to.  Is America's favorite ugly-sweater dad a sexual predator?  I expect the indictment to go like this: "I tell you......a story.  heh-heh-hehhhhh!!!"

Tensions were high in Ferguson, Missouri when a grand jury failed to indict police officer Darren Wilson for the shooting of Michael Brown.  Mass hysteria erupted on Facebook praising love and remembrance to Mr. Brown, who struggled with Officer Wilson while being arrested, then Brown tried to grab the officer's gun, who then got into a position to defend himself and shot the teen.  Apparently a LOT of people think that police officers should not defend themselves when suspects try to take their service revolver.  More hysteria erupted in Ferguson where protesters decided that the best civic protest would be to burn down their town, burn down the places where they work, menace anyone that came across their path, and to destroy everyone else's personal property.  Protesters got even more upset when the police moved in to try to restore order.

In space news, the European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet.  This led to a viral hashtag-posting of #WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant.....  There were such whimsical responses such as:
      convince the self-checkout machine there's nothing unexpected in the bagging area”
get Justin Bieber deported.
Stop feminist double standards
feed the homeless in a park without getting arrested.
stop talking about Kim Kardashian's moon.
get a vending machine to accept a wrinkled dollar bill.
find that malaysian airline plane and the 227 people that were on it
believe it's not butter
get Chic-Fil-A on Sundays
get a nicely cooked steak at Golden Corral.
tell the difference between "your" and "you're"
insert a USB properly without flipping it 3 times.
turn earth back to how it was in the beginning, a cube filled with screaming red skeletons

The world's most famous crack cocaine addict, former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry, passed away in November.  The mayor coined the phrase, "Bitch set me up...I shouldn't have come up here...goddamn bitch", which is now widely used in preteen shows on MTV.

In the "Holy Shit, I Can't Believe It" category, Sesame Street's Ernie got a colonoscopy on a live episode of Conan O'Brien.  They reasoned this medical procedure on a character from a children's show with the fact that Ernie is now 45 years old and needs to start getting regular colonoscopies.  Results show that his ass is filled with cotton and fabric.

Thanksgiving was on the last Thursday of the month, just like it is every year, except in Cleveland, where it is on the 3rd Thursday for years that are divisible by 13.  And like every year, what most people look forward to at Thanksgiving are the Black Friday sales.  This year's sales seemed to be uneventful, with sales down 11% compared to last year.  Apparently people are learning that getting a cheap-ass HD television for $35 is worth getting a television for $35.  Plus, stores are now open all day on Thanksgiving and the sales start on Wednesday, so what's the point?

What's a Black Friday without a stampede at Wal-Mart or a shooting at Nordstrom's?  Chicago, the city that bans guns from everyone except criminals, saw a shopper get murdered in the prestigious anchor store when a gunman went crazy.  In other Black Friday news, a fight broke out in Norwalk over a Barbie at a Wal-Mart, 3 were arrested at a Kohl's in Ocean City, Maryland, and a fight in Annapolis Mall caused widespread panic and pandemonium.  Go here to get all the news on Black Friday fights.

Travelers who called ahead to their airline in Chicago were greeted with tips to arrive 85 hours prior to their flight.  In spite of the generous advice, lines to get through security at Midway Airport were estimated to stretch for 1.2 miles.

November 30th marks the end of No Shave November, or Mowvember.  Thank God, that's over.  I hate people that look like bums.

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