Tuesday, April 01, 2014

March - A Month in Review

So what happened in March?

Russia continues to show its support for the Ukrainian state of Crimea by rolling in thousands of soldiers and tanks to help maintain peace.  The Ukrainian military bases should be especially peaceful as they have been surrounded by peace-loving tanks.  Fortunately for military oppression, Russian Czar Vladimir Putin waited until after the Olympics were over in Socchi and all of the journalists and photographers went home.  If it will change the outcome of this, I suggest that Robert Kraft tell Putin that he can keep the Super Bowl ring.

The Republicans won the first election of the year when David Jolly beat out his Democratic challenger Alex Sink for the Florida 13th district.  As best we know, there were no hanging Chad's and Al Gore is not expected to sue for a recount.

College basketball geared up for March Madness, which officially ends in April.  Is there April Madness?  Mid-Majors, as always, have their tournaments early.  Mid-Majors consist of mostly small schools, leading to the question of why don't we just call them Small Schools?  Or Small-Majors?  But that would be oxymoronic, sort of like athletic scholars.

Locally, Mount St. Mary's won their conference championship, albeit the only way for this type of "mid-major" to make the tournament.

Maryland pretty much sucked this year.  Fortunately, they'll be moving from the ACC to the Big Ten where they can suck against different teams, but somehow make more money.

Wichita State, coached by Gregg Marshall, the coach that no major school wants because he's too young, he's too old, he's too experienced, yet has a .706 winning percentage (Bobby Knight .705, Jim Calhoun .696), led Wichita State to a perfect 34-0 season and a #2 rank despite being the only unbeaten team in the country.  I expect them to get a #5 seed.  (Surprisingly, he ended up getting a #1 seed.  ESPN has filed a formal complaint, requesting that another Big 10 school be give their #1 seed.)

Finally, our beloved Winthrop University lost in the Big South Championship to Coastal Carolina, ending their Cinderella story season.  Or was it an Ariel story?  What's the Disney story where the mom dies and the girl is raised by her father?  Oh, wait, that's EVERY Disney story.

The murder trial of Oscar Pistorius continues in South Africa.  Some experts thought that the Olympian had a leg up on the prosecution, only to change their tune when they realized their error.  Some say he's got one foot in the prison door, while courtroom observers say he seems to be defeated.

President Obama continues to tackle the tough issues challenging America.  In March he traded barbs with heroin addicted Hollywood star Zach Galifianakis on his show Between Two Ferns.  That's certainly a good use of his time.  Especially if it makes it on to The Daily Show, where most Americans get their news.

On television, America was SHOCKED to learn that ABC's The Bachelor leading man Juan Pablo turned out to be a mesagnionist jerk who was only on the show to hook up with hot women.  He hoped that his tan skin, nice muscles, and hypnotizing Spanish accent would woo the girls to sleep with him, which it did.  I'm shocked that America is shocked.  I actually thought that was the point of the show.

A 4.4  earthquake hit Los Angeles in March.  It was determined that the quake centered around the lines in the sand that Obama kept drawing in response to Russia's actions in the Ukraine.

General Motors announced a major recall.  They recalled 26 billion cars, nearly every car they've ever produced, after consumer advocate groups came to the realization that all GM cars suck.

President Obama tended to pressing matters in the 2nd half of March.  He filled out his NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament bracket on ESPN.  As predicted, he had Russia crushing Ukraine in the semi-finals.  In the championship, he predicted that the United States wouldn't show up and Russia would win by default.

The nearly month-long search for the missing Malaysian airliner seems to have come to an end after debris was found in the Indian Ocean, thus ending hopes at ABC that the plane got caught in a time vortex and the passengers were left on a remote island trying to survive against smoke monsters.

The lead singer of death metal band Gwar was found dead in his Richmond home.  His last words were "gwhaaaah-wah-wah-wah, grgrgrahhhh!  gah-rah-rah-ah-rahlahhhhhlll!!!"

World leaders and Obama decided to throw down the hammer on Russian President Putin for his "invasion" of Ukraine.  Russia has been kicked out of the G8, a group of industrialized countries that meet to discuss topics of global concern.  It must be noted that Russian membership has also be suspended from OECD (Organization for Economic Cooperation), and the WTO (World Trade Organization) is now questioning Russian membership.  Let's also not forget that Russia has been kicked out of the Society of Innovative Automobiles , the Open and Benevolent Government Forum, the League of Nations Against Corruption, and the West Side Kickball Tournament.

Global satellites from many countries indicated that they may have spotted the wreckage of the Malaysian airliner.  Unfortunately, the wreckage that they spotted were the bills that were passed by the Maryland General Assembly this session.

Actress Gweneth Paltrow showed her loving public her ass this month.  Unlike the many movies where she has actually showed us her ass, this month it was merely a figure of speech.  In an interview with E!, Paltrow said that working moms with office jobs have it so much easier than she does. Clearly we don't realize how stressful it is to be a multimillionaire movie actress who jest from France to London to New York  She's got nannies to consider, has to book limos and private jets, she has to coordinate days at the spa at the various Mediterranean villas.  I now have a totally new respect for actresses like Gweneth Paltrow.

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