Helicopters

You may think that helicopters are either those flying machines or the spinning seeds that fall from the maple tree in the spring. You would be correct, except that there is another acceptable definition. A helicopter is also a nagging parent in the eyes of the school.

The term can probably be applied to many arenas. Do you have that annoying coworker that won't go away and just hovers over your desk all the time? Helicopter. That pestering neighbor that always seems to show up every time you go outside? Helicopter.

But for the sake of this discussion, a helicopter is the parent that nags the crap out of the teachers. Their objective is for their kids to be the best in their class. First these parents hold their children back so that they can be the oldest, the smartest, and most athletic in their class. When half of the class does this there really is no advantage. Your kid will just be graduating from high school when they are 19, from college when they're 23 (probably later), and thus earning less money over their career. But this is not important. It's up to you to vicariously make yourself a better person.

So here's your survival guide to being a helicopter parent. This is based on events that have transpired at Carrolltowne Elementary School in Eldersburg, Maryland.

1) If you want your child to get good grades, then do their homework for them. Most 1st grade teachers will not realize that your child's journal has no spelling mistakes and contains grammatically correct sentences.

2) If you want your child to get good grades on projects, do those, too. Teachers in elementary school totally expect the children to create carousels of spinning animals, newspapers with professional layouts, and shadow boxes with ornate decorations and scenery.

3) If the teacher moves the students to new seats and your child no longer sits next to his/her friends, call the teacher immediately and demand that your child sit next to their friends because it's just not fair. Adamantly state that despite your child's annoying behavior and inability to quit disturbing the class, your child's fragile emotional well-being, overwhelming insecurity and acceptance in the social network is much more important.

4) If your child is not placed in the advanced or gifted and talented level, immediately demand a conference with the principal. At this meeting express your outrage and inject doubt about the inability of the school administrators to properly test your child. If you still don't get your way talk louder and act more dramatically. This method always works.

5) Once your child is in the advanced or GT classes, be sure that your child is given good grades. If your child's grades falter, insist on another meeting with school administrators demanding that the advanced courses be made easier because your child's needs are not being properly addressed.

6) Contact your child's teacher as often as possible. Use email and phone calls to constantly harass (pronounced ha-rass', not hair'-ess) your child's teacher to ensure that your child is getting the most attention. This will help your child smoothly move to the next grade.

These are proven methods. They will work. Other than all of the teachers hating you and your child there are no downfalls to using these methods. Good luck to you and your above average child!