Dude! Coming to Maryland - Pot! Whoa!

Dude!  College kids and former hippy-like heads in Maryland are totally stoked!  Delegate Curt Anderson is working on a like totally gnarly bill that will allow the recreational use of pot in Maryland. Cuz', like, the current law is totally bogus, you know?  Maryland would be following in the footsteps of those totally radical dudes out in Colorado, you know?  Whoa!

Bobby "Rastafarian" Zirkin previously submitted righteous bills to allow the smoking of the grass, but the dudes in the State Senate were totally like, "no way, dude.  We can't have, like, Mary Jane in Maryland."  But now, like polls show that Marylanders are more mellow, and like, more likely to support such a bill.

If such a bill passes, you can certainly expect to hear more people say, "Dude, I'm learning about Cuba and having some food!"  Seriously, dudes, imagine Martin O'Malley - he could totally be like chillin' with some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and be like totally fine. The bill is sponsored by Duncan Hines Brownies.

Would you support a bill allowing the smoking of some doobie in the Free State?

Sniffy the Dishwasher Saleswoman

Our house will turn 11 years old this year and it is starting to show signs of its age. We put a contract on the house in 1998 and in January of 1999 they started building. We didn't know much about building a house at the time (we were only 26 years old), so we made some decisions that in retrospect were not the best.

For example, thinking we were absolutely strapped and would never get another pay increase in our entire life, we did not bump out the back wall. Now the back wall is creeping inward. It would have been nice to have that extra 2-4 feet.

Another decision we made was to go with builder-grade appliances. I guess that wasn't too bad. Our stove is still fine. However, our dishwasher sucks. And by sucks I mean it is sucking money out of our wallet.

With a control dial and no delayed time option, we are at the mercy of its incapabilities when we want to run the dishwasher in the middle of the night during lower electricity rate times. Additionally, the flap on the inside that opens and dumps the soap at a certain time rarely works anymore. We usually open the dishwasher to find 2 racks of steam-cleaned dishes and a soap dish full of soap.

Last week we had had enough. I went to Harpers in Eldersburg to check out what they have as I'd rather buy from the small retailer first. Their selection was limited as expected and their prices a bit high. We also checked out Home Depot, and while the gentleman was nice, he was not very helpful. When a customer asks you a question the expected answer is not "I think so" or "maybe". I guess this is what happens when a big box retailer jams as much Chinese-made stuff into a store and pays slightly educated people very low wages to sell their wares.

We decided to check out Sears in Westminster in the spacious and glamorous Westminster Mall (or whatever they call it). We reconnoitered to the appliances and were immediately accosted by a heroin\cocaine addict screaming irrational demands at us like, "you NEED this dishwasher!" without even hearing what our requirements were.

Cloaked in black on black on black with loose fitting black snow boots, the 50 year old sniffing and stoned Goth girl showed us some different models and finally led us to an LG model that for some reason unlike the other dishwashers offered free delivery, installation, and removal. Well, not entirely free - we paid $169, but were given a slip for an immediate refund.

Entirely uncomfortable in her element, Sniffy filled our ears with that uncomfortable laugh that you often hear by the crack whores when they get caught on COPS and try to pretend that they were just waiting for a friend to pick them up. And she talked fast. Without taking a single breath she exhaled the following: "This is totally the dishwasher you need because you have wonderful kids and there's no tax on the installation and Sears is the number one dishwasher retailer in the country and Mexico. Is it Friday? Oh, my, this is such a great deal you will be so happy if you buy this because I would be happy. Is it Friday? Did I mention there's no tax when you purchase this dishwasher? That's tax on the installation, hee-hee. Is it Friday?"

One of our primary requirements is that the dishwasher be ultra-quiet. Our current dishwasher sounds like someone jammed a hair dryer, a lawnmower, and a vacuum cleaner into the unit. Kitchen conversation is unachievable during the wash cycle.

We asked Sniffy what the decibel rating was on the new LG unit. I read that we should require around 47 decibels. She said, "Oh, it's low. It's the quality sound package. It's definitely low. You'll love it. Sears is the number one sound package distributor of sound quality dishwashers in the country and Mexico. Is it Friday?" My wife finally told her, "We're not buying this dishwasher unless you can tell us the decibel rating. "Okay, I'll see what I can do." After a 5 minute search and a few lines of blow she returned with her pants zipper half-way down and with her pink glossy eyes proudly claimed that she found it and it was low.

We finally decided to purchase the unit and the one hour process of paying for it was initiated. We saved an additional 5% by opening a Sears charge and there was no interest or payments for 1 year. That sounds good to me! However, the 'computer is acting up' speech then ensued. It took her 4 times to ring it up and she was extremely flustered. The obnoxious uncomfortable "tee-hees" followed. My ten year old daughter then began to laugh behind her back, while the other 2 kids rolled on the floor in extreme boredom next to the dust-caked sewing machines. She finally called the kid from the electronics section to come help her - you know, the kid with the hair so long it was over his eyes, so I'm not sure how he could see if he was helping her or not.

Finally the pain ended as the transaction was completed, we all quickly departed and we raced to the car. We grabbed some ice cream at Hoffman's and headed home. The new dishwasher will be here on Wednesday, but the hysterical memories of Sniffy will last forever.

Pat Jessamy Hates White Victims

This may not be the case, but her office is sure giving this impression. In an recent interview, Margaret Burns, a spokeswoman for Baltimore City State's Attorney Patricia Jessamy, was trying to explain why her office decided to plea bargain with the criminals and basically let the murdering bastards go lightly. She stated that:

"The truth of the matter is, Zach's injury was on one side of this face, and he looked like a sleeping baby when he arrived" at the hospital. "The injuries were not consistent with this horrible pummeling. ... We know he was kicked, he fell and hit his head, he fell between two cars. He probably injured something in the fall or he had a pre-existing condition. There was no evidence of the vicious beating, no evidence of stomping."

This is not coming from the public defender. This is coming from the prosecution! Sadly, Anna Sowers' comments about her first encounter with Zach after the beating:

"He did not look like a sleeping baby," she said. "I saw him in the hospital. He looked like a used pinata. His eyes were the size of golf balls. His head the size of a basketball. He was wrapped in bandages soaked in blood. I didn't even recognize him."

I guess this is why they call it the "Criminal" Justice System and not the Victims Justice System. There is no justice for victims. In Patricia Jessamy's eyes, it appears that justice is when criminals get out of jail early. If I ever get elected to a position of prominence, the 2 tallest buildings in Baltimore City will be Central Booking and the Baltimore City SuperMax Prison. Lock all the funkin' bastages up and don't let them out. There won't be much crime on the street if criminals are in prison. And if 85% of the city is locked up - so be it!!!

It's time for the current gang of incompetent city leaders to go. It is obvious that they have no intention of doing the "right" thing to help reduce crime. Patricia Jessamy has been a barrier to prosecuting criminals for years. And Sheila Dixon's answer to the recent spike in shootings in the city? "We need tougher laws." Tougher laws???? WTF is that supposed to mean? "Yo, Dogg. Don't be shootin' that bitch. There's a tough law against that!" "Homie! We better get off the drugs! Da' Mayor has some new tough laws against drugs. I don't want to get in trouble!"

Tougher laws are BS rhetoric coming from an incompetent mayor who has no freakin' clue about what to do about the thousands of shootings that occur on a yearly basis in Baltimore City. You have to be an absolute fool to live in Baltimore. Look at Martin O'Malley. Even he was smart enough to leave the city!

Oh, Baby, where's that baby?

My wife is now 38 weeks pregnant. We're (mostly she) is at the point that we just want the baby to be born. My son was almost 9 lbs when he was born. My wife, who is 5'2" and 105 lbs with her shoes on, practically got stretched inside-out giving birth to him.

When she went to the doctor after she got pregnant, the doctor told her that she probably wouldn't want her to go much beyond 37 weeks because the baby would be too big and she didn't want her to go through another tough pregnancy.

Well, here we are at 38 weeks. My wife went to the doctor yesterday, fully expecting them to schedule an induction later this week. However, the doctor was like, "Looks like you're doing fine. You're 6 cm dilated. See you next week. Oh, can you pass me that crack pipe?"

My wife was furious, and not about the crack pipe. She explained her concerns - having a large baby, tough labor, her absolute misery in trying to get around, not being able to sleep comfortably. The doctor's reaction was something like, "I understand, can you please pass the crack pipe?" Seriously, the doctor said if they induce they can get in trouble? Trouble? With who? The insurance company? Are we letting under-paid accountants make medical decisions again? I thought we learned our lesson when they invented HMO's. They're going to be in more trouble if they determine my wife needs a c-section because the baby is too big. I'm sure Steven L. Miles would like to sue them for negligence and malpractice. Let's talk about it.

Anyway, my wife gets angrier. She says she's going to schedule next week's appointment for late in the week, because what's the point of coming every 7 days if all the doc is going to say is, "That's nice, have you seen my razor and mirror?"

So last night, she starts to have several bursts of contractions. However, nothing came about. She woke up this morning, several pounds heavier, a few hours less sleep, interupted by several dreams of the doctor stealing spoons and lighters out of all of her patient's purses.

Will keep you updated!

Al Gore Arrested for Drug Possession and Speeding

It's being reported that former Vice-President Al Gore's son, Al Gore, was arrested for drugs on the 4th of July. The drugs part shouldn't surprise anyone. If you've seen that movie "An Inconvenient Truth", then you know there's a lot of dope-smoking going on in Tennessee.

Reports also go on in say that he was busted after being pulled over for driving 100 mph in a Toyota Prius on the San Diego Freeway. I was absolutely shocked when I read this. Who could believe something as ridiculous as this could happen? Is it possible??? A Toyota Prius can go 100 mph??!!!

This is not the first time that Al Gore III has been arrested for smoking mother nature's wonders. He was arrested in 2003 outside of Washington, D.C. However, this is the first time that a report of a Toyota Prius having gone 100 mph.

Calls were made to confirm the information, but neither Al Gore's probation officer, nor Toyota would comment on the claims of this story.