America's Divorce Terms

I received this in an email today.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot, and will not, ever agree on what is right. So let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. (You are, however, responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.)

We'll keep the capitalism, corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone free health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe health care is a privilege and not a right.

We'll keep the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World."

We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
And since it often offends you we'll also keep our history, our name, and our flag.

Would you agree to this? In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

The Right.

Who's Politics Do You Follow?

Do you ever feel disenfranchised by politics? Do you often feel that most politicians do not accurately represent your political views? You may be onto something. I have been studying politics for a while now and I have devised these bell-curve charts to show how politics actually is represented.

As anyone who has taken quantitative methods or statistics knows (which means all of you that attended Baltimore City public schools can stop reading right now), all populations fall into a bell curve. The larger the sample, the closer the population will fit into the bell curve.

As you would suppose, with the liberal school of thought on the left and the conservative school of thought on the right (and being correct, in addition to being right), most people will fall into the moderate category. The political party that represents the moderate middle??? None! There are some people who are close - John McCain, Joe Liebermann.The liberal school of thought, however, thinks that most people are leftist thinking. We know this not to be true. Not everyone wants to spend the majority of their waking hours worrying over how to minimize their carbon imprint on nature.The conservative school of thought, on the other hand, says that we need smaller governments and more religious freedom. At the same time, they want to expand the military, the government, and crack down on religious zealots that aren't Judeo-Christians. The main-stream press (think not Fox) thinks that you fall into camp one or the other. There is no one in the middle. If you are a moderate, you are a fence sitter. You're wishy-washy. You have no principals. You need to open your eyes and join the left, which is actually the center.




Martin O'Malley, however, KNOWS that everyone in Maryland is a hard-left-wing liberal extremist and by voting him into office, he had a mandate to propose any wacky law that he wanted because it's for the children.

Kumar Barve Arrested

The House Majority Leader of the Maryland House of Delegates, Kumar Barve, was arrested on Thursday for driving while intoxicated. The 49 year-old drunk from New York was arrested in Gaithersburg near midnight after police spotted his car driving over the center line.

Barve's press office released a statement that he has supported tougher laws against drunk driving. However, they did not mention that Barve intended to follow stricter drinking and driving laws.

Barve, who's no stranger to crime, recently voted in favor of raising the state sales tax by 20% and increasing the state income tax to the middle class, also once voted to allow illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition to Maryland colleges - all considered serious crimes by any free-thinking educated voter. He also voted against slots during the Ehrlich administration, but was more than happy to vote for them now that it was proposed by the liberal O'Malley administration. Additionally, Barve is a Montgomery County Democrat who has never denied being a communist.

Unfortunately for the people of Maryland, the people of Montgomery County will probably reelect this law-breaker and return him to office.

On a side note, I am currently reading P.J. O'Rourke on The Wealth of Nations. The Wealth of Nations, as I am sure you know, is the book by Adam Smith and considered the Bible of Economics. O'Rourke points out that according to Smith, progress required, "little else, but peace, easy taxes, and a tolerable administration of justice."

I got to thinking about this. Is there peace in Maryland? Probably not. Everybody hates each other. Democrats hate Republicans. Baltimorons hate Washingtonians. Blacks hate the white. Women hate men. Everybody hates Dundalk.

How about easy taxes? Hardly, unless, of course, you consider easy taxes as paying more and more of your money to the state so that Martin O'Malley can invest it in your future.

And justice? How many criminals does Baltimore City regularly convict? Not that many. Most are released back on the street and given another chance. We all know that this doesn't work. Once they are back on the street, they get their chrome 45's and pop the next homie that crosses their path. I always say that if Baltimore City would just arrest and convict the 250,000 most violent criminals in the city, it would be a much safer place to live!

So, when Adam Smith writes about progress, one would have to agree that Maryland is the antithesis of progress.

Maryland Special Session II

The Maryland Coalition for Honesty in Radio Ads had their annual awards ceremony last night and there was a clear-cut winner. Sweeping nearly every category in a stunning upset, the Alliance for Tax Fairness, an uber ultra-left-wing liberal organization, took home a handful of awards.

If you're not familiar with the group, they are the ones running the radio ads on WBAL radio 1090. If you listen for 10 minutes, you'll hear it. These ads claim that Governor Bob Ehrlich destroyed the financial health of the state and unless we do something this week, our children will suffer the consequences. We'll all become uneducated, sick, and die. Fortunately for all of us, Governor Martin O'Malley has a magic wand and he'll make this all better.

O'Malley, the selfless governor who, instead of wishing to make himself even prettier, has waved his magic wand and will use it to punish corporations and wealthy families that make over $100,000. These heartless people will suffer the wrath of the working class and pay big time to help make our state move forward again. The Alliance for Tax Fairness praises their leader with flowery accolades.

The awards that this organization won last night include:

• Most Deceptive Political Ad
• Radio Ad With Most Inaccurate Information
• Most Condescending Radio Ad of 21st Century
• Most Unfair Tax Commercial
• Best Male Voice in Fraudulent Radio Ad
• Best Female Voice in a Fraudulent Radio Ad
• Best Radio Ad Produced By A Left-Wing Liberal Group
• Best Radio Ad Produced By A Group That Misuses Naive Contributors Money

Republicans continue to lag in communicating the most lies to the public and because of this, they will never win any of these coveted awards. Instead, they seem to focus on the truth and pointing out the flaws of the super-majority's objectives.

For example, O'Malley wants to put the slots bill up for a referendum. For those of you who attended schools in Anne Arundel County of Baltimore City, this means that the legislators are afraid to vote on something because you might not reelect them next time. Instead, they want you to vote on them in the next election.

Unfortunately for the super left-wing liberals that run our state, only ambiguous issues in the Maryland Constitution can be brought up for a referendum. And the last time I checked, the Maryland Constitution wasn't unclear about whether is should allow slots. In fact, I don't think the Maryland Constitution mentions it at all. To me, that's not ambiguous. It's just stupid.

O'Malley to the Rescue!

If you've been keeping up with the news, then you're quite familiar with O'Malley's daily tax proposal. These tax increases include the following:

1) Increase the sales tax by 20% - this is a regressive tax that will slam the poor and middle class hard. However, since O'Malley is so pretty, he knows that you'll still vote for him in the next election.

2) Increase the cigarette tax. As we know, the working poor live and breathe (literally) on their cigs, hon. Now, instead of choosing between eating lunch or buying a pack of cigs, the poor and unintelligent will get to choose between their evening 40 & Funions and their cigs. Unfortunately for O'Malley's rhetoric, most rich people are also smart and know that smoking is stupid - just like O'Malley.

Ironically, their are ads on the radio narrated by a really obnoxious mommy-liberal advocating for the increase in the cig tax because it will reduce smoking and generate more revenue for health care. How can smoking less generate more revenue when you're not buying as much? Oh, yeah. That dumb Law of Supply and Demand is a farce.

3) O'Malley wants to increase the tax on vehicle registration titles by 20%. Again, this is a regressive tax that will hit the poor and working middle class harder than the rich. Consider this - rich people are more likely to pay cash for their vehicles. Therefore, they will cover the 20% increase up front. However, the poor and hard working families of Maryland are more likely to finance the car, including the vehicle tax, thus subjecting the 20% increase to an even bigger increase once they factor in the interest.

4) We caught glimpses of O'Malley whining in some family's kitchen claiming that these "table talks" will help brainwash the voters and convince them that these taxes are a good thing.

Another tax introduced was a gas tax. Since gas isn't already expensive enough (and much higher in Maryland than in many other states), he thought it would be a great idea to charge more for the gas. And who uses more gas - the rich or the poor? Surprisingly, they use the same!!!

So who is more affected? The working poor families. Now families will struggle to decide if they should fill their car with gas or buy food, medicine, or diapers for their children. This is definitely a regressive tax. How are those rich people fairing so far? Not too bad!

5) Marty also wants to increase the income tax. This tax, he claims, will be progressive. Interesting choice of words. How can taking more money from people imply progress? Anyway, the rich have the ability to hire CPA's who can hide their income. Rich people can incorporate and have the company pay expenses for them. They don't have to take a salary and be subject to the income tax.

Furthermore, if you have a lot of money, that doesn't necessarily mean that you have high income. You can be living off of the dividends and account balances of your fortune. And with higher taxes, what's the incentive for investing their money? We all know that investing money helps to create jobs, but that's counter intuitive to O'Malley's new Socialist world order.

So in the end, hard working 2-income families are the ones that are going to pony-up paying for unnecessary services that help get politicians reelected.

6) The Slippery Leprechaun also wants to restructure the "antiquated" tax structure. Currently, only goods are taxed. He also wants to tap that treasure of services. This will help generated millions more in tax revenue that he can use to force more government programs down our throats or send to the Baltimore City School system so that they can lose it again. (please ignore the studies that show that miserable failing city schools receive more money per student than successful schools in the suburbs)

7) Companies are a pain in the butt in the state of Maryland and O'Malley will help change that. He has a plan to drive them to Delaware. He wants to increase the corporate tax from 7% to 8%, an increase of over 14% in that tax.

These evil companies are making too much money and the government wants its share of it. Disregarding all those millions of people that these companies have on the payrolls, it would be best if the state could get them to leave and we could transition these workers to government payrolls where they could keep a better eye on things.

We all know that the government is much more efficient in running services and companies. Just think about it. They could more easily calculate projected income taxes on their $45,000 calculators while sitting in their $75,000 chairs.

8) I heard that while he was sitting in the garage smoking dope with his naked guy friends, O'Malley came up with a great new idea - let's introduce slots in the state of Maryland!

O'Malley made this announcement the other day as one of his new plans. When WBAL's Scott Wychoff asked him why he opposed slots when he ran against Governor Bob Ehrlich, who was in favor of slots, O'Malley quipped, "That's political history. We're only interested in the future."

O'Malley reportedly then continued removing jars of KY jelly from the shelves of local stores.

One person even stated that he mumbled under his breath, "This is going to hurt the middle class so bad that it'll bring tears to their eyes and they won't be able to sit down for month!!! Moo-Ha-ha-ha!!!"

However, there is always a silver lining in every grey cloud. Unfortuantely for the people of Maryland, this silver lining is the toxic heavy metal called mercury. O'Malley states that he wants to reduce property taxes for the average families. His liberal math, though, is suspicious. The property tax will be reduced for 70% of the people, but it will be increased for the other 65%. This middle class is getting stiffed for this bill and you know it.

People who voted for O'Malley, you're getting what you deserve. Hold on tight to that bed post when you get your next tax statement.

Rosie O'Donnnell After the View

My team of photo-terrorists have been scanning Los Angeles and New York to find out what Rosie O'Donnell is up to now that she took a publicity whooping from Elizabeth Hasselbeck. We finally found her and she is not doing well at all.

This photo was taken of her at a McDonald's off of the 410 (that's C.H.I.P.S. lingo for Interstate 410). She was caught digging through a trashcan looking for Value Meal leftovers. It's apparent that she hasn't shaved her chest in over two weeks.

We tried to organize a group that could get help for Rosie, but we soon learned that no one cares. This fat obnoxious liberal extremists who wants to rid the world of religion and self-protection will just have to ply away at life on the streets of shame. Too bad!

Rosie - The Price is Right?

Bob Barker has demonstrated to America why he is retiring. Sadly we have all learned the Bob Barker is senile.

On Friday, the host of The Price is Right for 35 years has announced that he endorses Rosie O'Donnell to succeed him. This also clearly indicates that his vision is totally gone, too.

Rosie O'Donnell, the fat obnoxious liberal extremist who got her ass kicked by Elisabeth Hasselbeck, was recently fired from The View when she implied that American soldiers are terrorists. As stated previously, Rosie has never denied that she is funding Al-Quaeda efforts in the United States. Purportedly, many of her neighbors have also stated that she has parties every time she learns that additional soldiers were killed in Iraq.

There have even been rumors that this Joseph Stalin-lovin lesbian has a massive gun collection, despite her repeated rants that the only people that should own guns are criminals. Though I'm not sure that she has ever been convicted of a crime, she may secretly be an outlaw and fits into her own category as a legit gun owner.

The logistics of Rosie taking over the show are being discussed. Currently, the stage is set 3 feet off of the ground. However, if Rosie takes over the show, the stage will have to be reinforced with 2 ft wide reinforced steel I-beams on concrete footers. The sound system, obviously, would need to be muted.

Also, the number of seats in the audience would naturally be reduced. There are only a limited number of brain-washed left-wing lunatic stay-at-home mothers that would take time away from taking Timmy to his play date so that she be a contested who could 'Come on down!'.

There are also rumors that instead of the Showcase Showdown, she would replace this segment with an open forum (open meaning you sit and listen and she speaks) where she attacks Christians, men, heterosexuals, and Republicans. Additionally, she will praise and pontificate the benefits of obesity, bestiality, mental illness, liberal totalitarian systems of government, and gay marriage.

Hopefully, the brass at CBS will dismiss these rumors and replace Mr. Barker with the best new host possible. Though Todd Newton and Mark Steines are leading candidates as the new host, all of unemployed America (including college students) want Mario Lopez. Mr. Lopez is beloved by all Americans who grew up on Saved By The Bell. However, to seal the deal, Mr. Lopez should officially change his real name to A.C. Slater.