More Fun With iPhones

You'll recall that in May of this year I got my first iPhone, which the industry deceptively identifies as "smart phones".  Then, in early August I got a new iPhone 3GS, though with some frustration.  Well, things got fun again.

One morning about a week and a half ago I was leaving for work and the new iPhone 3GS was dead.  I had forgotten to plug it in to the charger the night prior, and if you've ever owned an iPhone, you know that you have to charge them 8 times per day, otherwise the battery will die.  When I got to work I plopped it into my charger.  At about 10am I grabbed it to go to the gym and go for a run.  It has the MapMyRun app and my music.  Can't run without it.  Much to my chagrin, the phone was still dead.  What the heck?!!!

I ran without the phone.  It's not much fun running without my tunes.  You end up thinking too much.  When I got back to my massive corner office overlooking the park, I went through the normal process of trying to hold the two buttons and shutting it down and restarting.  Nothing.  Plug it into iTunes.  Nothing.  Ugh.  It's like déjà vu all over again!

I call AT&T.  They run me through the same processes that I just did.  They tell me they can't help me, but transfer me to Apple.  Apple runs me through the the same process, again!  Nothing.  They tell me to schedule an appointment with my conveniently located Apple store and it will get resolved, and I won't leave there without a phone.



My buddy Duckman is an iPhone Phanatic, except that he doesn't actually own an iPhone.  He wanted to go with me, so we went to the conveniently located Columbia Mall, which isn't really convenient.  The store is packed.  Granola-looking people are walking around with iPhones and iPads helping people.  After about 15 minutes past my appointment time, someone finally helps me.  I tell them that it's really crowded.  He looks around and gives me a smug smile.  "It's not crowded today.  Most days are worse."  Wow.

He takes my 3GS to the back and runs through a bunch of tests.  He said he took it apart and put it back together without any success.  When he returned he had that look of disappointment.  He said that he couldn't fix it and he had no replacements.  And since I already upgraded a week ago, he couldn't upgrade me.  So that means - I left without a phone.

The next day I called AT&T and told them my sob story.  I was really disappointed with Apple and couldn't believe they told me that I would not leave without a phone and yet they were unable to resolve my problem.  I asked if I could turn in my 3GS, cancel the upgrade, and get an iPhone 4S.  The customer service representative told me that he couldn't do that because I had already upgraded. I grunted and snarled and breathed heavily for a while.  Finally he relented and said he would talk to his supervisor.  He returned 7 1/2 minutes later and said that they were going to cancel my upgrade and I was free to get a new phone as if my upgrade never occurred.

In a matter of a few weeks, I owned 3 different iPhones.

I then asked what it would take to get an iPhone 4S.  He said I could order it online, but I wouldn't get it for a few days.  Or I could go to the nearest conveniently located AT&T store and buy one for $199.  I asked if he matched prices, and he said that Apple demands that they sell it for $199.  I told him (correctly) that Target was selling iPhone 4Ss for $149.  "Fantastic.  Go there and buy it."  I thought his response was a bit dismissive, but you know, I wanted a phone today, so I hung up and and called Target.

I spoke to a young man and told him my intentions.  He said he'd check to see if they had any 4Ss in stock.  He came back and said that he had one phone left, but it was white.  I was fine with that.  I worked a few more hours, then went to Target.  When I got there I saw a young man in the electronics department and approached him.  I told him I was there to buy an iPhone.  He asked if I was the one that called earlier in the day.  In a matter of a few minutes, Michael had me hooked up with a phone and it was already charged.  He was really cool  and I appreciated his help and told him I'd give him a shout-out for his awesome service.

So, if you're getting an iPhone, check out Target in Owings Mills.  And take your favorite Duckman with you.

ATT Wireless - When is an Upgrade Not an Upgrade?

Catastrophe stuck Eldersburg on Friday last week.  My iPhone 3 GS stopped working.  At first I thought the battery just needed to be charged.  I put it in my docking station at work.  When I was ready to go to the gym I picked it up, it made no noise.  I did the hard boot, pressed both buttons and the same time and held them, but to no avail.  I ended up running in silence, not knowing my time, not jamming to the Bulletboys.

I came home and immediately jumped on the Internet (pretty much like I do everyday) and searched for answers.  Do this.  Do that.  Nothing worked.  I sent alerts to my tech-savvy friends.  Conclusion - it was dead.  D.E.A.D- dead.  Tarter sauce!

I looked online for a new one as I know I'm eligible for a new phone.  I could get one for 99 cents, but it would take a few days to get here.  I decided that I could tough it out for a day and get a new one in the store on Monday.

On Monday I went to the AT&T store in Owings Mills near the Crossroads Medical Center on Reisterstown Road.  I didn't realize it, but that place is a former shoe box converted into a store.  And they didn't have the 3GS, just $199 4S's, and I didn't want to spend that much money.  He recommended that I visit the store in Pikesville in the Woodholme Shopping Center near Trader Joe's.

I got there and used the that wasn't made of plywood.  I would have posted a picture of it, but alas I didn't have an operating cellphone camera with me.  I asked the lady if she had any 3GSs.  She said they did and went to the back to get one.  She returned with a sassy lip and apologized and said they did not have any.  She looked in the system and the closest store with a 3GS was in Montgomery County.  No thanks.  She recommended I try online.  Then she tried to sell me a new cover for my phone.  They cost $49 for a piece of rubber shaped like the outside of the phone.  If the phone is 99 cents, then the rubber cover costs 4,800% more than the phone.  Ridiculous?  I think so.

I got back to work and went online to order the 3GS.  Then I got to a screen and it said that the 99 cent phone would be $37.05 after Martin O'Malley gets his taxes and AT&T got its upgrade fee.  An upgrade fee?  Is this really an upgrade?  I'm going from an Apple iPhone 3GS to an Apple iPhone 3GS.  Doesn't seem like an upgrade to me.

I called the customer service and asked the lady about the upgrade fee.  She said it applies.  I reminded her that upgrade means something that is enhanced or improved, to raise to a higher standard.  Since I'm trading the same phone for another, it's not technically an upgrade.  She disagreed, though with no defining reason.  I asked what was different between the 3GS that I was ordering and the one I was replacing (other than the obvious point that the new one would work).  She was confused.  I then asked her if AT&T was misusing the vernacular of the word 'upgrade'.  Silence.  Never mind.

Am I out of line?  Or is this not really an upgrade? If they want to charge me $36, that's fine.  Call it a replacement fee.  But don't call it an upgrade fee when there's no upgrade to be had.

My New iPhone 3GS - Welcome to 2009!

I've always been a latent technology adopter.  This is evident when coming in my house and looking at my new VCR, my new project screen television, and my new MP3 disc player.

My daughter dropped her cellphone last week - a Samsung Flight.  The keyboard still works, but the screen is dead.  She asked if she could get a new phone.  I had a better idea - I'll get a new phone and she can have my old cellphone.  She wasn't too keen on the idea and even sassed a little bit about how it wasn't fair.  But I reminded her that (to paraphrase the cliche), '12 year olds can't be choosers'.

We shopped a little bit and it seems that nearly all of the phones are now data plan phones.  I refuse to call them smart phones, because they're not smart.  They're just programmed to do what they do.  And I wasn't thrilled with having to pay $100 for a new phone.  The free upgrade phones were all crap.

We went to my in-law's for Mother's Day and I was discussing our phone situation with my brother-in-law and he offered my his old iPhone 3GS.  Sure, it's three years old and the screen is slightly goopy.  The rubberized cover is faded on the corners and torn.  But you know what?  Cheapskates can't be choosers.  I'm very grateful for to him for letting me have his phone.  Thank you!

I called AT&T and added the required data plan.  There was no activation fee since it is not a new phone.  Now I have my own iPhone!  Yay, me!

Still trying to figure it out and I'm still transferring my contacts from the old phone.  I thought the SIM card contained your contacts.  Apparently not?  I told you I'm not a tech gadget kind of guy.  I can replace the master cylinder on the corrugator at work and reprogram the XML output.  But I have no idea what my cellphone can do.  And I don't really care that much.

How do you like your phone?

2007 - A Year in Review

January

In January, China started the new year by conducting anti-terror raids in Xinjiang. The raids were conducted by terrorizing the residents of the town.

Not to be outdone, Democrats in the House of Representatives do their own terrorizing by selected Nancy Pelosi as the new Speaker of the House. Soon after, the Doomsday Clock is set to 5 minutes to midnight, though they declare that Pelosi's promotion was not related.

Later in January, in a show of good faith, Israel releases $100 million in frozen assets to President Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the Palestinians. He immediately purchases $100 million in suicide bombing packages.

On January 30^th, Microsoft releases Microsoft Vista and Office 2007 to little fanfare. Patches were available later in the day to fix severe securities flaws.

On the last day of the month, Delta Air Lines, which is in its 17^th bankruptcy, rejects U.S. Airways' hostile takeover. Apparently U.S. Airways bankruptcy terms’ were not as good.

February

The Indianapolis Colts defeat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Despite only have 1 Super Bowl ring to Tom Brady's 3 rings, Peyton Manning is immediately declared the best quarterback in the history of the universe.

Illinois' junior Senator Barak Hussein Obama declares his candidacy for President. Oprah immediately endorses him and Stedmen mysteriously disappears.

The 49^th Grammy Award Show was held in the Staples Center in Los Angeles. To raise ratings, the event is held during a Lakers’ game. Kobe Bryant fails to win an award, or score a triple double.

In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il agrees to shut down their nuclear facilities after the United States agrees to provide the complete series of Knight Rider on DVD.

March

Van Halen is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, none of the current members of the band showed up to receive the award. David Lee Roth claims he wasn't sure if he was still the lead singer.

Major League Baseball player Ugueth Urbina was sentenced to 14 years in prison for attacking employees on his farm with a machete and pouring gasoline on them. In his defense, he declared, "it's not like a took steroids or anything!"

April

In early April, the Greek cruise ship M/S Sea Diamond strikes a reef and sinks within 24 hours. It was said that the ship sank almost as fast as Christopher Dodd's presidential campaign.

Nappy-haired Don Imus calls the Rutgers basketball team a "bunch of nappy headed hoes". Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson demand Imus' immediate execution. Imus is fired from CBS, but starts another show, but this time he actually hires a nappy headed hoe as a co-host.

Dennis Kucinich introduces articles to Congress to impeach Dick Cheney. Unfortunately for Kucinich, he later sees UFO's and goes on record stating confirming the sighting and saying that even Jimmy Carter saw a UFO, so he must be normal.

May

Rupert Murdoch, the CEO of News Corp and owner of the Fox News Channel, announces plans to purchase Dow Jones, publisher of the Wall Street Journal. Left-wing liberal editors across the nation criticize the purchase saying that Murdoch’s libertarian influence will affect the neutrality of the editorial staff.

18,000 Mexicans pose nude for photographer Spencer Tunik in Mexico City. After the photo shoot, they get dressed and illegally immigrate to the United States. They now work at the McDonald’s in Glen Burnie.

DaimlerChrysler announces that it has sold most of Chrysler to a private equity firm. Originally paying $35 billion for Chrysler, Daimler sells the company for $7 Billion, and some beads and trinkets.

June

The Anaheim Ducks defeat the Ottawa Senators to win the NHL Stanley Cup. On a sad note, 3 Ducks players were hospitalized when trying to practice on a pond in the middle of Los Angeles in June.

A week after the hockey title, the NBA crowns the San Antonio Spurs as Champions over LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron promises to do better when the new season starts next week.

Bob Barker steps down from The Price is Right. He's immediately neutered and put up for adoption.

WWE wrestler Chris Benoit is found dead along with his wife and son. It is suspected that their deaths were caused by rage induced by steroids when they find lots of steroids and rage in the house.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair steps down and M from the James Bond series is appointed the new Prime Minister. He immediately changes his name to Gordon Brown.

Apple releases the iPhone. Philadelphia goes into a panic when Fox News shows the mayor camping out in a lawn chair outside of one of the stores. John Edwards calls him and asks why he didn't just send a staffer like he did.

July

Hong Kong celebrates 10 years of Chinese rule. 4000 journalists and professors are rounded up and arrested for practicing free thought. They are soon put to work applying shiny lead paint to toys to be sold at Wal-Mart.

Dick Cheney becomes acting President for 2 ½ hours while George Bush undergoes a colonoscopy. Cheney went the entire time without shooting anyone in the face, while doctors confirmed that there’s as much shit in Bush's colon as there is coming out of his mouth.

Millions of nerds writhing from the lack of new Star Wars releases flock to book stores for J.K. Rowling's release of the newest Harry Potter book.

August

Boys Scouts of America celebrates its 100^th anniversary since the group was founded, and also celebrates that it's been 2 years since its last sexual predator scandal.

Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron's record of 755 home runs. The ball lands in Missouri 4 hours later. Meanwhile, Bonds' eyelids explode while he is denying steroids usage during a press conference after the game.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig is arrested for lewd contact in a men’s room at an airport. He then announces that he will resign, but changes his mind. He then announces his will plead guilty to the charges, then changes his mind, then changes his mind once again. However, amidst the controversy and to the disappointment of Johns in johns, he declares that he’s still not gay.

The Texas Rangers defeat the Orioles 30-3. After the game, Peter Angelos promises to sign better veterans and rid the team of the pesky young talent.

September

The Federal Reserve lowers interest rates by 0.5% to ease the financial crisis that is spurred by the credit crunch caused by the high risk mortgage defaults. Hillary Clinton then announces that she will support legislation that will reward both the lenders who provided these loans to people who didn't qualify and also reward those who didn’t pay their mortgage.

Van Halen announces their reunion concert tour. The band is reunited with Eddie Van Halen's under-aged son Wolfgang and former lead singer David Lee Roth. Gray-haired groupies and fat middle-aged men flock to Ticketmaster to scoop up the hot tickets. The concert tour opens in the small town of Charlotte, NC.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaks to students at Columbia University in New York City. He is greeted with laughter when he announces that there are no homosexuals in Iran, just homicidal bombers.

October

The Boston Red Sox defeat the Colorado Rockies in the World Series. Unfortunately, no one saw the games because football season had already started.

President Pervez Musharref declares state of emergency in Pakistan after he learns Benazir Bhutto may challenge him in the upcoming elections. He later has her killed and declares that election laws in Pakistan do not prohibit candidates from executing their opponents.

The Baltimore Ravens begin a +9 game losing streak. Coach Brian Billick claims that the team continues to show poise and character. Unfortunately, they are unable to show wins. In a related story, the self-proclaimed Goof on the Roof declares to stay on the roof of his house until the Ravens win a game. Many suspect that he will be up there for several years. He is later arrested for failing to pay child support and changes his name to the Dufus on the Roofus.

November

Washington Redskin Sean Taylor is killed in his home in Miami. None of the gang members that were involved in Taylor's previous arrests claim to know anything about it.

The Maryland General Assembly passes a revenue adjustment bill that only affects the rich. Unfortunately, they define rich as anyone who holds a job. State sales tax is raised by 20% along with other tax increases. House Delegates Anne Kaiser and Craig Rice continue to remove this fact from their Wikipedia pages, but diligent editors keep adding it back.

NFL Quarterback Michael Vick begins serving a sentence for running a dog fighting ring. In his defense he claims, “It’s not like I was a major league baseball player taking steroids!”

December

George Mitchell releases what’s come to be known as the Mitchell Report, implicating dozens of baseball players for taking steroids and human growth hormones. The public as a whole releases a calm “duh”, while the press is outraged and shocked at this careless report. 45 year-old Roger Clemens, who is named in the report, continues to deny the claims, as he throws 180 mph fastballs at his critics.

Teenage middle school children go crazy on the MTA buses in Baltimore. Several white people are severely beaten. Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon claims that they are investigating the matter while the attorney of one of the criminals states that the white girl beat her face against the shoes of his client. The crime spree continues to several weeks, encouraging more white middle class people to use public transportation.

New Jersey bans the death penalty. Murderers across the state celebrate. Other criminals decide that they too will run for political office.