Back To Work

I have some catching up to do. On Friday of last week I had an appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Frankenstein (and it's not pronounced Frahnk'-in-steen). This was a follow-up to my surgery and I fully expected him to remove the stitches.

I arrived at the doctor's office on time and was greeted with great hostility and irreverence. The nurse was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. She's lucky I don't file a complaint with the medical board.

She took back to the examining room and told me the doctor would be right in, which he was. He instructed me to drop my britches and lay down. I had an operation when I was 12 and I recall the stitch removal was not a pleasant process. So I braced myself this time. I grabbed hold of the elastic band around my sweatshirt and pulled it over my head. I'm not sure exactly the details because I had my eyes closed at this point, but I think Dr. Frank then pulled out the Garden Weasel and used that to remove my stitches. Ahhhhhh!!!!

He asked what I do for a living. I tell him that I'm the President of the Maryland Republican Party. "Ha!", he laughs. "The Maryland Republican Party is dead. There's no such position." I laughed and told him I was kidding and that, in fact, I operated the computer that controls the hot beef injector over at American Amalgamated Conglomerates of America in the au jus department. "Ah", he says. "You can go back to work right away. Just don't lift anything over 10 pounds." To be sure not to damage myself, I am being extra precautionary and not lifting anything over 4 ounces, which includes my finger.

Fortunately we had off to celebrate Martin Luther King's Birthday on Monday giving me an extra day to recuperate. I celebrated by lounging all day on the couch and releasing nauseous gases.

On Tuesday I returned to work. "Feeling better?" "Take it easy." "Don't over do it." "How was the recovery?" Shut the hell up! My supervisor celebrated my return by giving me 3 more projects, 2 of which were due last week, but given the extenuating circumstances they extended the deadlines to the day before my return.

Additionally, I received an award yesterday. I was recognized for my performance last quarter when we were developing the new flux capacitor. We actually figured out how to power it with corporate rhetoric. "Work smarter, not harder." "We need to continue to streamline operations to make the organization more efficient." "Learn to multi-task utilizing your core competencies." And there's the high octane "Think outside of the box." Well, don't put my chair and computer in a box and I might be able to think outside of the box.

Recovery continues to go well. I am shuffling along now at the speed of a 60 year old on Viagra, rather than an 80 year old on morphine. Pain and discomfort still settle in the groin area and occasionally it feels as if rubberbands are wrapped around joy stick, which isn't too pleasant. I'm happy to report that there's new growth in the jungle, mostly underbrush and weeds. I wonder if the forest itches like hell when new plants start growing after a fire.

Going For A Walk

My wife decided today that it was time for me to get out of the house. I was hoping that it would be to walk to the mailbox and back to be followed by another movie and a nap. But that was not in her plan.

My oldest daughter had an appointment at the orthodontist and I was going. It is really cold here in Carroll County. So cold, in fact, that the county superiors decided to open school 2 hours late. I think this person may be from Miami or another point south. The temperature this morning was about 22° with a wind chill near 15°. If this person was in charge of Minnesota the schools would be closed from October through May.

So when we arrive at the orthodontist and the wind is billowing, I flop out of the car and waddle to the door. Since I can't carry children, I feel no need to stick around and offer moral support. However, half way to the door my family comes flying by me leaving me to waddle the rest of the way in the cold by myself. Can you believe that?

Once in the office, the regulars who were there when I got my braces in 2001 were there and were pal'ing it up with me. 'Did you take off today?' Nope, I'm off because I had surgery for a hernia. 'Oh, get well soon. Stay off of your feet. Get some rest. Don't over do it!' Shut the hell up!

Once my daughter is done we drop them off at school. Ahh - peace and quiet. We then head over to Kohl's, much to my chagrin. You see - my chagrin hates Kohl's. This is the store that has the entire merchandise on sale for 60% off at ALL times. How this is possible I don't know. 'Was $59.99, now $19,99!' When was it full price? One hour in November?

My wife starts by looking at women's clothes. I'll meet you somewhere else. Where you going to be? Not too far. I can't walk too fast.

I made the crazy 8's all the way around the store - twice. Mothers are everywhere. I'm looking for a dude 0r a hottie. Can't find any. There's a dude! Oh, he works here. More women. And these aren't even MILF's or hotties. It's kabitzin' biddies. They're all into everyone's business. Some 40 year-old with 2 toddlers let's them run in the aisle. One of the employees goes off on the kids. 'Hey!!! Stop running in the store! Or we're going to shoot you!"

A few more rounds. And no wife. I check the bras and panties section at least nine times. Can't find her. But I did find a pair of grrrrr panties that I think about buying for her. Move along. And I can't find a chair anywhere. I call her on her cellphone. Where are you? In women's clothes. Still?!!! I finally find her. Another few more rounds of crazy 8's and she finally concedes that we can go.

Now it's off to Shopper's Food Warehouse, Shopper's for short. As I'm hobbling along my wife asks me, 'what are you going to do if there's a fire?' Run like hell! They can always redo the surgery, but they can't unburn me.

Martin's is the main grocery store in Eldersburg. There are four in our bucolic town. Food Lion, where there is one line open sometimes, but it takes 30 minutes to get through. And Safeway, where a Coke 12-pack is on sale for $8.99, save $6!!!! Both parking lots are empty. Then there's Martin's. Always crowded. So we go to Shopper's. These people ain't from around here. Some of them are talking to themselves. Other's are keeping an eye on you hoping you don't recognize them from Saturday's episode of America's Most Wanted.

Finally we leave. She asks if I want to go to the library. No! I want to go home and sleep. It's been a rough day for me. How are you supposed to go to work next week? I have no idea. So now she is taking me out of the house every day. Tomorrow is the library and the doctor. I feel like an old man who just had hernia surgery. How pathetic am I?

Eludius DL - day 6

My surgeon told me not to lift anything over 10 pounds for 4 weeks. I thought that would be easy enough. Make my wife and kids do all the work? Sure!!! My wife has been great. She's been waiting on me hand-over-fist, to the point where I feel guilty.

It isn't helping that our 17 month old daughter has decided to wake up every evening at 3am and holler for her pacifier. The problem is if you go in to get her, she usually jumps up and wants to get out. On the other hand, if you don't go in there, she keeps hollering. A vicious circle. To make matters worse, my daughter tosses her pacifiers at night, so they're usually hiding under the crib, which is impossible to find at 3am. And of course her other 10 pacifiers can never be found.

So on Tuesday, my wife and daughter are sound asleep. I took a nap, but awoke before them. I later heard my daughter wake up and hollering, "Na-na", which is baby talk for pacifier. I didn't want my wife to wake up since she needed to catch up on her sleep. And I've been feeling pretty good. It should be okay, right? I mean - if I lower the side rails and just roll her over the rail and let gravity take her to the floor she should be okay.

I succeeded in getting her out. No problem! Then as I'm walking out of the room with her hand-in-hand, my wife opens the door from our bedroom and wants to know how the hell I got her out. I told her that Baby climbed out all by herself. Whatever, she says. She's really mad at me. And for good reason.

Now, later in the day, I'm not feeling too well. Some minor pings and pangs of pain in my lower abdomen. Not good. I go back to taking the pain medication on the shorter intervals. My wife knows I'm not comfortable. She gives me the old, "I told you" spiel. Today is the same thing. Ugh. If I messed up the fix, I'll need to have it redone. Dear Lord in Heaven help me!

So in other recovery news....I realize that when I wrote the original post it was much longer than I expected and half doped up I know that I missed half of my story.

When I met with the surgeon he told me that after the surgery no work for a week. And no physical activity for 4 weeks. I asked him to define physical activity. He said no lifting anything over 10 pounds, which is like a gallon of milk. I said, "What about sex?" Well, nothing for a week, but after that it should be okay, just don't do anything crazy. Good enough! You should have heard the way he emphasized "Crazy".

My neighbor calls later and she asks how long I am restricted from physical activity. I say 4 weeks. She kids and says, "Ha, no sex for a month!" I correct her and say I'm only restricted on that for a week. "How is sex not a physical activity?" Not the way we do it, I tell her. She laughs hysterically for a good minute.

I had called the day before the surgery and asked if there was anything I needed to do prior to the operation. The nurse told me nothing other than not to eat after midnight. I tried to subtly ask her about grooming. She tells me they will take care of it. Is this good or bad? I'm not sure.

When I awoke after surgery and gained my senses, the nurse sent my wife to get the car and said she'd dress me. Cool enough. It could have been the drugs, but instead of the 23 year old hot svelte blond chick with really big boobs, the nurse looked more like a late 40's mother of 3 who was really tired and had given up on finding the fountain of youth. She removes my gown and to my horror half of the jungle was gone! What in the world?! Couldn't you have done the whole thing or shaped the rest into a heart or something? Now I'm only half sexy!

When I returned home from surgery I flopped myself on the bed upstairs and never came down until the next day. However, that night when my kids came home from school they all came to see me. My lovely older daughter asked if I needed anything. I told her I needed a 12" Cheese steak sub from Frank's pizzeria. She goes downstairs and tells my wife, "Papa wants a cheese steak!" My daughter returns with the bad news. I tell her that instead of the cheese steak, I'll take a chicken marinara sub. She goes downstairs and says, "Papa said he'll take a chicken marinara sub instead!" My wife just screams in agony.

For the most part the discomfort has been at the point of incision. However, by the looks of me, it should be all over. I woke up on Saturday to find a fat barrel black and purple whiffle bat in my shorts. And the purple Easter eggs? Did the anesthesiologist give my groin a beat-down with a wooden spoon while the doctor performed the surgery? Fortunately, that looks better today.

What else is going on? My dreams are totally crazy. Is this a result of my medicine or my wife's cooking? Someone was walking around in my family room while I tried to sleep last night and I couldn't open my eyes and scream to chase him out. Then a dog was wrapped around my leg as I tried to walk out of Baltimore City in the middle of the night. And I chose to walk home through the bad neighborhoods. What? They're all bad? Good point.

Then, a fighter jet had landed on a highway near the city and a big flatbed truck was hauling it away, but the pilot decided to fire up the engines and fly out himself, only to crash into my old building on Pratt Street sending the building into a fiery collapse, right onto Def Leppard who were performing on the upper deck of the parking garage. To make matters worse, getting out of the city was terrible because of all the traffic, let alone the fire and falling debris. This is when I decided to wake up and finish watching Blazing Saddles, which is actually closer to reality than my current dreams.

That's all for now. I'm starting to fade into another reality that's not controlled by me.